Beautiful
by kek123452003
Summary: Sequel to At Last
1. Chapter 1

Title: Beautiful Author: Kelley Rating: R Pairing: J/D Category: A/U Disclaimers: Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, NBC, they all own it. I'm just doing what all great writers do, according to Sam Seaborn: stealing other people's ideas and calling them my own! Feedback: Feedback is my heroin, so please give me a fix! Notes: This story is the third in my "Love" series. It follows Smile and At Last. If you don't want to read those, the basic premise is that Josh and Donna are now married. Donna had a daughter before she joined the Bartlet campaign named Emma that now lives with them and is five. Josh and Donna also have a baby girl named Natalie, who is about two months old. Donna has an older sister named Nicole and a younger brother named T.J.. T.J. is married to Ellie Bartlet and Nicole is in a relationship with Toby. Abbey died of a brain aneurysm about a year ago, which is causing the President to resign soon. Josh is going to run for Senator in Connecticut and this caused a rift to develop between him and Sam. This story starts off at Thanksgiving of 2003, at Josh and Donna's Connecticut home, Langley House.  
Langley House: Thanksgiving, 2003  
  
"She's here! She's here! She's here!" Emma shouted as she ran from her room down the staircase, her black Mary Jane shoes clicking against the marble loudly. She skidded up to the front door and swung it open. "Lily! Lily's here!"  
  
"Yes, my little walnut, Lily is most definitely here!" the woman screamed along with the child, scooping her up into her arms and kissing all over her face. She pulled back and looked at the girl, confused. "But who on earth are you, child?"  
  
"I'm Emma," she giggled to her silly, British godmother.  
  
Lily gasped dramatically. "No, no, no," Lily shook her head, "you are most certainly not my most precious godchild, Emma. Emma is a little girl who is always a mess and is as little as a thumbnail. You, on the other hand, are a beautiful, tall, and very clean young lady. Now what have you done with her?" Lily demanded mischievously, shaking Emma a little, not noticing Josh walk into the foyer from the living room.  
  
"We traded her in for this one," Josh winked at Lily as he walked to the open door to bring Lily's bags into the house, kissing his daughter's head on the way there.  
  
"Ah, I see," Lily nodded before giving Emma another big kiss. "Well I suppose this one will do for now." She set Emma down and went over to Josh, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. He did the same and pulled back to look at her.  
  
"You look good," he commented. "For a British chippy that is. New hair, new clothes," He noted her once long brown locks had been sheared to her shoulders and her stylish new wardrobe. He leaned in and whispered in her ear, "Another new nose."  
  
Lily gasped and lifted her hand up to her nose, trying to cover it. "Donna told you about that? I made her swear to secrecy when I told her last month."  
  
"She sang like a canary," Josh taunted. "That happens after sleep deprivation sets in though, so don't blame her entirely."  
  
"And where is the little bundle of sleep deprivation?" Lily asked him excitedly, practically bouncing on her heels.  
  
Emma crinkled her eyebrows at the adults. "Who is sleep deprivacation?"  
  
"She was talking about your sister, sweetie," Josh smiled at her.  
  
"Ohhhh," Emma proclaimed, smacking her hand against her forehead. "She's in the nursery with Mommy. Come and see her, Lily!" She grabbed Lily and began to pull her up the staircase, while Josh followed with Lily's luggage up to the guestroom. When they reached the top, they turned the corner until they reached the master bedroom and Emma dragged her inside to one of the doors. She opened it slowly and stuck her head into the room to find her mother, standing over the crib in the lightly painted yellow room overflowing with baby necessities and toys.  
  
"Mommy?" she whispered loudly. "Can we come in please? Lily wants to see my sister." Lily peered her head in and grinned at her best friend.  
  
Donna smiled and motioned for them to come in the room. "Sure," Donna replied. "This little princess is just waking up from her nap. Not that she needs the beauty rest or anything." Donna reached into the crib and with the utmost care, lifted a small pink bundle out of it and settled it into the crook of her arm.  
  
"Oh look at her, she's precious," Lily cooed when she got close to them and got her first look at Natalie Philomena Lyman. The infant had a small tuft of brown hair on her head and when she slowly opened her eyes, Lily could see she shared the same sapphire blue as her mother and big sister. When she let out a great yawn, one saw the dimple on her left cheek that her father had bestowed upon her and the same pudgy nose. The rest of her features, her cheeks and her forehead, reminded Lily a little bit of the facial structure of Donna's late mother, Toni. 'A perfect mix,' Lily surmised.  
  
"That she is," Donna agreed adoringly. She leaned over slightly to hug Lily and give her a welcoming kiss. "Do you want to hold her?" Donna asked as they pulled apart.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't, after all I've been flying for about eight hours now and you never know what kind germs are on those planes," she contemplated seriously before gave Donna giant grin. "Give me the kid," she ordered, going over to sit in the rocking chair near the window. Donna placed the baby in her arms when she was settled and Lily held her, entranced.  
  
"Be careful with my sister," Emma warned possessively, coming up to hug her mother's side and look seriously at Lily. "You have to support her head and not jost.jost.shake her at all cuz it could hurt her."  
  
"I won't, I promise," Lily told Emma reassuringly. She lifted one of her fingers to the baby and laughed out loud when Natalie latched onto it with one of her own. "You like that don't you, Miss Natalie?" Lily baby-talked to the infant. "Oh, Donna, I can't get over how gorgeous she is. She is a stunner."  
  
"She's the most beautiful baby in the whole world," Emma answered for her mother, her face shining with pride and love as she gazed down at her baby sister's face. "And she's smart too. Like yesterday, I was playing with my cat, Lulu, and Natty was in her bouncy seat and I threw Lulu's cat toy to her but it landed on Natty's tray and she threw it right back at Lulu when I didn't even tell her to! Right Natty?" she smiled at her sister. Natalie responded with a happy gurgle that seemed to voice her agreement. Just then the doorbell rang and Emma ran over to the window to see who it was.  
  
"CJ's here" she cried, "with presents!" Emma scampered over to leave but turned back when she got to the door. She came over to her mother and pulled her down for a kiss. She went over to Lily and repeated the action then leaned down to place a gentle kiss on Natalie's head. "Be good for Lily, Natty. I'll be back real soon," she instructed and left the room to greet CJ.  
  
Lily smiled at her retreating figure. "Could she be any more adorable?" she gushed to Donna, who leaned against the changing table.  
  
"I know," Donna approved happily. "I admit I was so worried that she was gonna be one of those horror stories of an older sibling that you hear about but she's so crazy about the baby it still surprises me sometimes. Between her and Josh, I'm amazed I get to hold this child at all."  
  
"Well I don't see how anyone could not fall in love with this little angel." Lily looked down at the baby again, who was sucking on her thumb, and sighed wistfully. "It almost makes a girl wonder what the hell she's doing with her life."  
  
"Hey!" Donna scolded, lightly kicking her in the shin.  
  
"I'm sorry, please forgive me. It almost makes a girl wonder what the heck she's doing with her life," Lily corrected herself sarcastically, remembering Donna's constant insistence that no one swear around the baby intentionally so not to expose her to anything harmful at such a young age. That rule was the reason that Nicole had ended being Natalie's godmother, after Donna still had to work to this day to correct the damage in her vocabulary that Lily had caused with Emma.  
  
"Thank you and you're not doing anything wrong with your life. You're just going about it differently than other people are."  
  
"Oh please, Donna, I'm almost thirty years old and I'm still running around, fornicating with complete strangers like an eighteen year-old. Of course there's something wrong with me."  
  
"I'll concede that there are many things wrong with you," she ragged Lily. "But your lifestyle isn't one of them as long as you're happy. And when I called you no more than two days ago, you were perfectly content to go around and deflower nineteen year-old bellhops."  
  
"Well I'll give you that one. But I don't know, lately it feels like something's missing in my life."  
  
"Lily, everyone feels that way at one point or another."  
  
"Yeah what about you? You seem like you've got everything you want wrapped up in a nice little package with a bow on top."  
  
"Well I'm happy of course, but that doesn't mean I still don't long for things," Donna clarified.  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like a career for instance, a real one not just as a politician's wife. I wanna be like Mena is and like my mom was before she died. I want to do something with my life that'll make my daughters' proud of me one day."  
  
"You're their mother, they're gonna be proud of you and love you no matter what you do. That is something I, personally, wouldn't have a problem with experiencing one day." As she said this, Natalie let out a wail, indicating that while everyone else was going to wait a few hours to eat, she wanted her dinner right away. Lily handed the baby to Donna and traded places with her. Donna undid a few buttons on her blouse and pushed her bra aside so Natalie could have her meal.  
  
"So why don't you?" Donna inquired as Natalie suckled at her quietly. "You can be a mom now; you don't necessarily need a husband for it."  
  
Lily shrugged. "Maybe but how do I know I'd be good at it?"  
  
"Oh Lil," Donna scoffed good-naturedly.  
  
"I'm serious, Donna. I'm not like you," Lily argued. "I'm a selfish, egotistical, foul-mouthed playgirl who likes her booze to be old and her men to be young! You're telling me I should just conveniently forget to slap a condom on the next valet parker I shag in the back of my car?"  
  
"Of course I'm not!" Donna laughed. "All I'm saying is, if you really want to be a mother you can be, when you're ready. You don't need to wait for the right guy. I believe I'm living proof of this theory."  
  
"Touché." They two halted their conversation while Donna disengaged the baby from her breast and transferred her to the other. "Speaking of the son of Satan," Lily continued. "Has he given you any problems with the adoption?"  
  
Donna gave her a half grin. "We haven't even heard from him. I was so scared after I did the article for 'People' that he'd come looking for me but no one seems to know where he is. It's almost like he just dropped off the face of the planet or something."  
  
"From your mouth to God's ears, luv." She looked at Donna carefully. "You didn't honestly expect to hear from him, did you?"  
  
"This is Ben we're talking about; I never expect him to do anything and the moment I let my guard down, he always seems to do exactly what I don't want him to do."  
  
"I still don't understand why you have to wait six more months before you can finalize Josh's adoption of Emma. You two have been married for almost a year now and she considers him her father. Why do you have to go through the trouble of terminating Ben's parental rights?"  
  
"Because," Donna sighed, hating to go into this for what seemed like the hundredth time, "since I technically kept custody of Emma and no adoption ever took place, Ben's rights were never legally taken away. He only signed the consent to the adoption when he filled out the paperwork; he never signed away his parental rights, making him what Wisconsin's legal community terms as an absentee father. Meaning that the Honorable Judge Lawrence Fairfax has decided to give him six months in case he wants to reclaim custody of his daughter before allowing any adoption proceedings to take place. I swear our lawyer had to literally shove a pen into Josh's hand to keep him from attacking the judge when he heard the ruling. Can you hand me that washcloth?"  
  
"At least the judge seems a little bit sympathetic towards you two," she replied as she handed Donna the cloth to wipe Natalie's face with. "I had this single friend out in LA that adopted a little boy, raised him as her own for five years, and then had to give him back when the birth father proved he never gave consent for the adoption."  
  
"You see," Donna said getting up and raising Natalie to her cloth-covered shoulder to burp her, "its stories like that that makes me think I can never be too careful when it comes to this. I'm not going to tempt fate in any way; I'm just going to keep my mouth shut about this for the next five months, fourteen days, and eleven hours." She rubbed Natalie's back in small circles and was rewarded with a tiny belch. "Yeah, you agree with Mommy, don't you?" she fussed, kissing Natalie's satiny cheek.  
  
"Hey Donna," Josh said, entering the room. "We actually have other company that wants to see you and Natalie besides the one without American citizenship. Can you maybe pull yourself away for a couple of minutes to put in an appearance?"  
  
"Watch the mouth, Joshua or the only thing my breasts will be used for around here are nourishment for the baby," Donna challenged superiorly. Josh's eyes bugged out his head and Lily didn't even bother to hide her grin. "We'll be down in a minute," she continued more sweetly.  
  
"All right," he responded. "Can I at least have the baby? I think CJ's gonna claw my eyes out if I don't have her with me when I go back down."  
  
"Here you go, sweetie. Go see Daddy," she murmured to Natalie as she was given to her father. Josh in turn settled her in his arms and kissed her admiringly. Donna got a kiss for herself as well, despite her partially opened case of wise ass. "CJ's here as are Leo, Charlie and Zoey, and Margaret, Carol, and Ginger. And Nicole called a little while ago to say they're stuck in traffic but she and Toby will be here soon." He shook his head, still not quite used to the fact that his sister-in-law was sleeping with one of his best friends.  
  
"Are you watching the turkey?" Donna asked as Josh headed out the room.  
  
"Yes I am. This meal is going to be exquisite, don't you worry your pretty little head of about it."  
  
"Yes, Donna don't worry about it," Lily joined in. "I'm sure that at least one Chinese food restaurant will be delivering today."  
  
"Oh if I didn't mention it before, can I just say again Lily? Love the new nose; it goes so well with the silicon in your breasts."  
  
"Wanker!" Lily shouted as he left the room.  
  
"Pinocchio!" Josh shot back, heading back downstairs with the baby.  
  
"Urgh," Lily stuck her tongue out at the door. "I don't know how you put up with him. I mean, I'll concede that he has his moments of not being a complete asshole but they don't seem like that many."  
  
"He does have that tendency," Donna told her. "But what he lacks in emotional maturity he makes up for with sweet words and a surprisingly limber body for someone his age." She grinned at Lily before getting serious again. "He loves me. He doesn't say it that often but I know he'd do anything for me. And he's such a great father."  
  
Lily wrapped her arm around Donna's shoulder and gave her a squeeze. "Everything will work out. Don't worry about it. Just do what Bobby says."  
  
"Bobby? I thought you're shrink was Ivan?"  
  
"He is, or was, until his wife walked in on one of our sessions." Donna rolled her eyes at Lily. "I wasn't referring to a shrink; I was referring to the singer and telling you to do as he says."  
  
"And that would be.?"  
  
"Don't worry," Lily sang, perfectly on-key. "Be happy. Don't worry, be happy man. Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh."  
  
"Okay, thanks for the advice," Donna laughed as she and Lily left the room to join everyone else in the den.  
  
When they got downstairs, Donna greeted all her family and friends eagerly while Lily gave casual hellos to everyone. Soon, dinner was ready and despite Lily's predictions, looked highly edible when it was set out before them all.  
  
"So who wants to say grace?" Donna asked as she put the baby in her high chair. "Toby?" she turned to the man at the opposite end of the table. "Would you please do the honors for us?"  
  
"Sure," Toby said in his usual gruff manner. Everyone bowed their heads and waited for him to begin. When everyone was ready he started. "Bless this food oh, silently fill in your proper deity. We thank you for bringing us all together here on this day in which we celebrate the historic meal between the original caregivers of this land and the Euro-centric, addle- minded individuals who stole their land after they killed most of them off and pushed the rest into exile."  
  
"Toby," Josh coughed, motioning his head towards a wide-eyed Emma.  
  
Toby lowered his head again and continued. "Anyways, we thank you for allowing us all to be in good health and here today surrounded by people who annoy us less than others. We take this opportunity to ask you to let us continue living our lives prosperously and peacefully. And." He trailed off after that sentence and rested his chin in his hand, brow furrowing slightly.  
  
"What is he doing?" Lily whispered to Donna from her place across the table after a minute.  
  
"He's trying to come up with a phrase to finish the blessing with," Toby answered her, not moving from his spot. "Something meaningful yet casual. Something magnetic yet subtle. Something as complicated as it is simple. Something like."  
  
"Let's eat," Leo cut in, reaching over for the bowl of sweet potatoes.  
  
"Works for me," Toby concluded, stabbing some meat onto his fork and pacing the plate to Ginger. Everyone busied themselves, putting food on their plates and pacing dishes around.  
  
"So how's the campaign going, Josh?" Margaret asked as she organized the food on her plate by calorie amounts.  
  
"Pretty good so far," Josh replied, cutting some meat on Emma's plate. "We've got a lot of donations coming in and we've got favorable readouts from the first poll we put in after the announcement. Though you'd get a different story if you talked to my campaign manager."  
  
"It could have been better," Toby, said campaign manager, disagreed.  
  
"Toby, how could it have been better?" Josh argued with him for no less than the tenth time since two weeks ago when Josh had announced his candidacy at an event at the University of Connecticut. "We've got a thirty- eight percent approval rating from males 18-49, a thirty-five percent among women 52-76, and a forty-two percent approval rating with females 18-49. These are numbers most senatorial candidates don't see in a primary let alone an announcement. Please tell me how it could have been better."  
  
"In your announcement speech, you could have included your firm stance on welfare reforms and new funding for social security," Toby countered. "Yet you felt that telling the story about registering the goldfish for college credits would inspire more confidence in your ability to represent the people of Connecticut as opposed to your consistent record of supporting Democratic beliefs and causes."  
  
"It was a college campus, Toby. For the last time, I was trying to relate to them. Were you not there two weeks ago on that stage when I spoke about increasing financial aid for college and education grants?" Josh asked, getting aggravated.  
  
"Were you not there eight months ago in the White House when I said unequivocally you should be running for a House seat instead of pandering to your own ego by running against a five-term, Republican Senator who hasn't lost an election since 1972?" Toby barked, pointing his fork at Josh.  
  
"Well if that's the way you feel, maybe you should just."  
  
"Josh," Donna said, reaching over and squeezing his hand, trying to get him to relax before he said something he'd regret later.  
  
He took a deep breath, as did Toby, before he continued. "We'll put the welfare initiatives in the speech at the elementary school. Okay?"  
  
"Fine," Toby sighed, taking a sip of some wine. "Sorry."  
  
"Me too," Josh replied before he went back to his meal.  
  
"So," Donna tried, wanting to ease the obvious tension "how are things in the White House?" Josh had quit as Deputy C.o.S that summer in order to devote his full attention to his campaign and his family, at least that was the line they fed the press. In truth, Josh hadn't been able to focus on work there since Sam had left.  
  
"Good, all things considered," CJ said. "We got the healthcare reform bill passed so the President's happy about that. Everything else, we're just trying to get done now or put on the backburner until Hoyne's steps in."  
  
"When is he gonna make the announcement?" Lily questioned, being privy to certain matters of national importance, including this one.  
  
"January sixteenth," Leo informed her, still adjusting to the fact that they were now running under the clock. "Probably a live television address, Hoyne's will get sworn in that morning and that'll be that."  
  
"In all honesty," Zoey added, "my dad's kind of wanted to just do it now, get it over with. But my sisters and I want him to go out gracefully, you know?"  
  
"Yeah speaking of which, how's Ellie?" Nicole inquired. "T.J.'s so sick of Donna and I pestering him about the baby he stopped picking up when he sees our numbers on the caller ID." T.J. and Ellie were spending their first Thanksgiving as husband and wife at the Bartlet family farm with the President and the oldest Bartlet daughter, Elizabeth and her family. Zoey and Charlie were flying up tomorrow morning to enjoy the rest of the long weekend.  
  
"She's great," Zoey told her. "For someone who's four months along and working twelve hour shifts on her residency."  
  
"Can't she cut back her hours?" Carol asked concerned. "She shouldn't be working that hard."  
  
"Carol, you ever try telling a Bartlet woman she couldn't do her job?" Charlie responded. "It's easier said than done, trust me." That elicited a laugh from everyone and they went back to their food before Leo brought up something else.  
  
"Well speaking of workaholic feminists, Josh, how's you're mom doing? Is she still in Africa?"  
  
"That she is and you have no idea how angry she is at me for giving her not one but two grandchildren and a daughter-in-law while she was away," Josh answered, still remembering the grief his mother had given him about it.  
  
Josh's mother, Dr. Rachel Lyman, was a professor of sociology at the University of Florida and had taken two years off to study a previously undocumented tribe in the African jungle. She called or emailed at least once a week and Emma already had a healthy adoration for her new grandmother. Rachel was equally addicted to both Emma and Natalie and had been emailed at least a thousand pictures of the girls. Donna and Rachel had established their bond long before she and Josh were involved with one another and the whole family was eagerly awaiting Rachel's return in the spring.  
  
"What about Mena? What's she doing for the holidays?" Lily asked.  
  
"What she always does," Nicole replied. "Pack up the house and go to the Caribbean until April."  
  
"An ideal way to spend any holiday indeed," Margaret said.  
  
"I don't know," Josh whispered to Donna as he surveyed their table full of family and friends, his daughters on either side of him. "This isn't so bad." She smiled at him and leaned over to give him a long kiss while the rest of the table let out a great moan before going back to enjoying each other's company on Thanksgiving. 


	2. Chapter 2

Danbury, Connecticut: January 20, 2004  
  
".and I think it's high time that the people of Connecticut deserve to finally get their own voice in the Senate, a voice that cares about the future of the sons and daughters of this great state!" Josh spoke into the microphone, an audience of a thousand people cheering before him at the state college auditorium.  
  
"I look at the faces of my daughters when I wake up every morning and before I go to bed every night," Josh continued when the crowd settled down a bit. "And I want to do everything I possibly can to guarantee that their future is secure and prosperous. I don't know about you folks but I have a feeling that Senator Brooks is worried less about protecting the natural resources of this country and more about how many zeros were in his last check from his buddies in the oil industry." The crowd began cheering in earnest and Josh glanced to his right at Toby and saw him tap his watch, the signal for Josh to wrap it up. "Now is the time to be heard!" Josh stated definitely when the shouts died down. "Thank you very much, please tip your waitresses on the way out!" The crowd laughed at the off the cuff joke and Josh exited the stage, waving at the audience the entire time, to the sound of the Danbury State College marching band playing the school's song.  
  
"That wasn't too bad," Toby shouted to him over the crowd when Josh reached him. Someone handed him his jacket and the two men headed out to the parking lot where their transportation awaited.  
  
"What? I can't hear you!" Josh shouted back over the sound of cheering and bass drums.  
  
"I said that wasn't too bad out there!" Toby shouted back as they were shepherded towards the doors that led to the campaign cars.  
  
Josh looked at him confused, cupping his ear a bit. "I still can't."  
  
Toby struggled for a little control. "I said.!"  
  
"Yeah, I heard you the first time, I just wanted to make you keep saying it to see if your face would keep changing colors." Josh smiled at him, patting his back as they walked outside and stepped into the black Lincoln town car that was their official mode of transportation. The rest of the aides and volunteers who worked on the campaign that had come with them rode in a series of vans behind them. But Josh and Toby both liked the peace and quiet that came without traveling with an entourage, so they got the town car and everyone else got a van.  
  
"That's it, I quit. Win this election on your own," Toby said in complete monotone as the car began pulling away from the school and headed back to the campaign headquarters.  
  
"So what's next?" Josh asked as he pulled a few memos from his briefcase to skim through on the way back.  
  
"You have a conference call with the state party chair at three o'clock," Toby rattled off while making adjustments for the next press release. "Then you've got a live interview on Channel 8 news, that's the NBC affiliate, and after that you have to go parade around in that ridiculous monkey suit of yours in front of the prissy hellions of the political system for several hours."  
  
"First of all, I look damn good in the monkey suit," Josh said, still looking at the memo. "Second, I agree that the people at this event are prissy hellions but the politically correct term is 'contributors' and third, you can be as petulant as you want about it, you're still coming with me and Donna."  
  
"There is no way to accurately annunciate the seething odium I feel for you at this moment."  
  
"Well seething odium was a pretty good one."  
  
"I was rushed. By the way," Toby said to him, continuing to tweak the release. "I talked to Burt before."  
  
"Who's Burt?"  
  
"He's the volunteer coordinator."  
  
"I thought that was Bill."  
  
"And yet it's Burt."  
  
"Than who's Bill?"  
  
"Bill's our pollster."  
  
"No, our pollster's named Brad."  
  
"No, our pollster's named Bill."  
  
"Are you sure it couldn't be Brad?"  
  
"I am sure and the reason I am so sure is because our pollster is Bill. Bill the pollster, now can we get back to Burt?"  
  
"Sure." Josh crinkled his forehead. "Who's Burt again?"  
  
Toby reached to his side and opened the door to the mini-bar, pulling out a tiny case of Scotch. He opened the bottle, downed it quickly, put the empty bottle back in the fridge, and continued on with his writing. "Burt is the volunteer coordinator and he thinks he found someone to be your personal aide."  
  
"Really? Good, that's wonderful," Josh replied unenthusiastically. "Did he give you a fact sheet to show me?"  
  
"Right here." Toby handed him the form that all the volunteers had filled out, containing all their general personal and professional backgrounds that the staff coordinators used to determine where to best use the rookies.  
  
Josh took the piece of paper, looked at for less than a minute, and crumpled it up. "Nope, keep looking."  
  
Toby sighed, rubbing his forehead to try to ward off the oncoming headache. "And what, may I ask, was wrong with this one?"  
  
"This one plays tennis," Josh answered as if it made all the sense in the world.  
  
"I'm sorry?"  
  
"He plays tennis, he's a tennis player, he's a lover of all things tennis."  
  
"And why in God's name.?"  
  
"The McEnroe effect." Josh turned to find Toby looking at him like he'd grown a second head so he elaborated. "You do know who John McEnroe is, right?"  
  
"Yeah," Toby drawled out, already knowing what he thought of this excuse.  
  
"Well then you know about his temper. One thing on the tennis court went wrong and POP!" Josh slapped his together for emphasis. "He was gone, a certifiable nutjob. It was because he couldn't deal with the pressure of the big game: Wimbeldom, the U.S. Open, etc. You get what I'm saying?"  
  
"Thank merciful God, no."  
  
"What happens when it comes to election time?" Josh questioned, ignoring his friend. "When all the chips are on the table and it's do or die? This kid's gonna lose it so fast it'll make your head spin. And there could be serious emotional and physical damage inflicted on any casual standbys. I'm just looking out for the welfare of my staff."  
  
"Or being the pathetic moron we all know and loathe you be."  
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"It means," Toby told him, frustrated, "that for the past three weeks, we've looked at more people for the job of Personal Aide to a Senatorial Candidate than we did when we were trying to fill a seat on the Supreme Court!"  
  
Josh just shook his head at him. "I don't know what you're talking about. I've been perfectly reasonable and sound in the qualities I want, no check that. The qualities I need in a personal aide. None of them measured up, none of them had the game, none of them."  
  
"Are Donna," Toby finished for him, finally voicing his opinion on the matter.  
  
"Excuse me?" Josh asked.  
  
"None of the people you've looked at are Donna," Toby continued as if he were explaining it to a child. "And Donna is the only one that you want to be your personal aide because she's the only one you've ever known as your personal aide and that you're comfortable with as your personal aide."  
  
"That's just flatly." Josh trailed off his argument, knowing he couldn't win because he knew Toby was right. "Okay, it's true. So what?"  
  
"So what? What do you mean so what? You gotta buckle down and chose someone, Boss"  
  
"Stop calling me Boss," Josh demanded, tired of Toby's new nickname for him. "And why is it so imperative that I have someone around all the time to carry my briefcase and take notes for me on a daily basis?"  
  
"Because it is," Toby stated stubbornly. "Because you're going to be running on all four cylinders, eighteen hours a day, for the next ten months until Election Day. You need someone there with you to keep you sane when your family and friends can't. I certainly don't want the hassle of that nor would anyone else who knows you so you're stuck getting an aide." He paused to glance at Josh. "It's nothing personal, all candidates need someone they can vent out to without having to worry about reading it in the papers or receiving divorce papers or being handed walking papers."  
  
"Yeah," Josh agreed absently as the driver pulled up in front of his house. A fresh patch of snow from last night's storm covered the walkway and front yard. Josh could see from the abstract-looking snowman what Emma had spent her day off from school doing. "I'll meet the rest of you in about an hour," he told Toby as they stepped out of the car.  
  
"Sure," Toby said as he walked over to where the two vans were parked to start getting people inside and back to work. "Okay people, listen up!" he said in the manner of a drill sergeant to the individuals who were stepping out of the van. "Inside now! We've got to get a man elected Senator and we've only got two hundred and eighty-eight days in which to do it. Let's get to work! Hustle up, don't make me break out the whistle again." Everyone groaned, still not used to Toby's breakneck pace, and followed him out back to the guesthouse, which was where they kept the main offices of the campaign.  
  
Josh went into the main house and jogged up the stairs to find his family, eager to see them after a long morning of working that had started before the sun even rose. He glanced into Emma's room and found toys strewn everywhere but no sign of the girl. Then he headed over to his own bedroom, where he found two out of three of the people he wanted to see.  
  
Emma was dressed in one of her numerous costumes that her aunt facilitated her with as a birthday present last month, a dress made of some sparkly pink material, with puffed up shoulders and a cape to go along with it. Her long blonde locks were pulled back with a pair of barrettes and Josh could see a fair amount of Donna's own makeup covering the girl's face. She was sitting on the carpeted floor, cross-legged in front of Natalie's bouncy seat. Natalie had on a simple white sleeper and her blue eyes were shining as she watched her older sister play a game of peek-a-boo with her.  
  
"I see you!" Emma would cry as she removed her hands from over her eyes and than laugh out loud at Natalie's obvious glee. Josh smiled to himself, literally feeling the warmth enter his heart as he watched his children play with one another. The only person missing from the picturesque scene was Donna.  
  
"And I see you, too!" Josh said as he made his presence known in the room. Emma looked right up at him and while he couldn't see her face, Josh could have sworn he heard Natalie gurgling happily at the sound of his voice.  
  
"Daddy!" Emma launched herself towards him like a heat-seeking missile. Josh let out an involuntary groan when she collided with his stomach. 'Man, she's got the strength of a linebacker,' he thought.  
  
"Ouff! Ease up there a little, kiddo, you're gonna break me in two," he told her as he got down on the floor with her. He pulled her onto his lap and gave her a kiss on the cheek, smelling more than a hint of Donna's perfume on her. "So did you have a good day today?"  
  
"Yep," Emma nodded. "I played outside with Mommy and we built a snowman and we baked cookies and we played dress up and we listened to you talk on the radio and I heard you say my name to everyone!"  
  
"Well, that sounds like a mighty exhausting day. I think someone needs to get into bed!" With that, Josh threw a laughing Emma over his shoulder and walked over to the giant four-poster bed, depositing her on it gently before he proceeded to tickle her.  
  
In the midst of Emma's laughter, the baby started squawking from her spot, demanding her fair share of attention from her father. "And what about you, Natalie? How was your day?" leaving Emma to go pick up Natalie, cuddling her onto his shoulder while repeatedly kissing her. He and the baby joined Emma back on the bed, Josh feeling like a weight was lifted off his shoulder after spending a mere five minutes with his girls. Only one person was missing from the equation.  
  
"So where's Mommy hiding?" Josh asked Emma, who was rubbing her sister's back as the baby rested against Josh's chest.  
  
"She's right here," he heard Donna announce from the inside of her custom- built, walk-in closet, or what Josh referred to as, "The Lair".  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm trying to get ready for the fundraiser."  
  
"Donna, the party's not for another," he glanced at the clock, "four hours! You really need that much time to get ready?"  
  
"Yes, I do," Donna informed as she stepped into the room, wearing a stylish silk robe, and joined her family. She took the baby from her husband and rocked her gently. "And don't complain to me about it, you never seem to when you see the end result of how gorgeous I look."  
  
"Well I think if you drove into the recesses of your mind, you'd find that I rarely complain about anything you do."  
  
She leaned over to give him a peck. "Nice save on that one Mister."  
  
"Well, I do what I can." The phone started ringing and Josh reached over onto the side table to pick up the receiver. "Hello.Yes, Mrs. Haden, how are you...Oh really...Uh huh.Yes I see.Well thank you for calling.No don't worry, we'll find someone.Okay goodnight." He hung up and sighed. "Well looks like you girls are going to have to do without Mrs. Haden's spinach quiche for dinner. She can't baby-sit you guys tonight," he said to Emma.  
  
"Yes!" she cried, raising her arms in victory. She caught her mother's stern glance. "I mean oh no!" she tried to recover.  
  
"What happened?" Donna asked, choosing to ignore her daughter's antics for the moment.  
  
"That stomach bug that's going around, she didn't want to expose the girls," he explained. "So who do we call now?"  
  
Donna shrugged. "I don't know. Mrs. Haden was the only person your mom recommended and we don't know anyone else well enough that'd I trust the kids with."  
  
"Do want to try that baby-sitting network Patty suggested?"  
  
"Absolutely not!" Donna told him, horrified. "First off, I do not want strangers in this house, watching my children and second, why would I trust something that Patty suggested?" She paused for second, squinting her eyes. "And who is Patty anyways?"  
  
"She's the Press Secretary, Mommy," Emma informed her.  
  
"Wasn't that Sally?" Josh asked confused.  
  
"No, Sally's the one that talks with the local city councils."  
  
"That's not Sally, that's the other one," her mother contradicted. "The one with the Farrah Fawcett, circa 'Charlie's Angels' hair."  
  
"Uh-uh, that Alice," Emma corrected. "And she's the events coordinator. Can I go play in my room now?"  
  
"Emma," her mother said raising her eyebrows.  
  
"I mean, may I go play in my room now?"  
  
"Yes, you may." Emma climbed over father, laughing as he pretended to groan in agony, and scampered out of her parent's bedroom.  
  
"Should we be worried that she seems to know more about this campaign than we do?" Josh asked his wife when Emma was gone.  
  
"No, you're the candidate now, remember? You're not supposed to be able to remember anyone's name or job title," she assured him. "But back to the actual problem, what are we gonna do about tonight? I mean, we can't just not show up to a Democratic fundraiser being held in your honor."  
  
"Sad but true. You'd think with a little power I'd be able to get out of one of these finally." They just sat there for a moment, relaxing in each other's company when Josh noticed something. "What's that smell?"  
  
Donna pushed her nose close to Natalie's midsection and immediately pulled up. "Oh, I think someone didn't like her strained carrots." She started to hand the infant to Josh. "Here, it's your turn."  
  
"No, no, no. I distinctly remember cleaning something up from her this morning that should have been handled be F.E.M.A. It's your turn," he protested holding up his hands.  
  
"But I've cleaned up all the messes that have accumulated today from her and her older sister, who despite having no biological connection to you nevertheless seems to have picked up the same habit of overly messy eating from you."  
  
"And I've been working my butt off all day, trying to remember people's names, give eloquent yet decisive speeches, and keep Toby from committing a felony after he read about the comments Brook's staff released to the Herald."  
  
"Okay, this is ridiculous," Donna said, trying to put an end to the stalemate so Natalie could receive a fresh diaper. "Let's just settle this like mature adults. All right?" Josh nodded his compliance. She shifted the baby to one arm to free up her right hand. "Okay ready?" Again, he nodded to the affirmative.  
  
They both held out their fists and in unison said, "Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" They both had counted the beats of the tune with their fists and when they finished, Josh's hand was still balled up while Donna's was laying flat, palm down.  
  
Josh moaned in defeat. "Two out a three?" he asked hopefully.  
  
She smiled smugly at him as she handed him the baby. "The new thing of baby wipes is in the bottom drawer. Try not to go overboard on the powder this time."  
  
"Yeah," he sighed, taking Natalie and holding her very carefully at arms length. "I think we need to get started on this potty training thing sooner rather than later, Missy," he teased as he went into the nursery.  
  
Donna giggled and got up, going over to the phone to call Mrs. Haden back and see if she could recommend anyone else for tonight. She'd just started dialing when Toby entered the room.  
  
"Hey, I didn't even hear you come in," she told him as she finished dialing. "Do you need him?"  
  
"Yeah he's late for a conference call and all the interns are too afraid of him so the task of rounding him up was left to me," Toby explained, shuffling around the room. "Where is he?"  
  
"Changing Natalie, he'll be done in a few minutes," she said, listening to the dial tone on the other end of the phone.  
  
"Who you calling?"  
  
"The baby-sitter canceled for tonight and I'm calling to see if she knows anyone else that can come on short notice. I mean since I can't stay behind."  
  
"Yeah well unfortunately we need you both there tonight," Toby semi- apologized to her. "We need Josh to collect the cash and we need you for window dressing."  
  
"Gee Toby," she chuckled lightly, still listening for an answer, "you really know how to sweep a girl off her feet. How on earth does my sister put up with your near constant romantic gestures?"  
  
"Shut up," he told her tiredly. "You have no idea how tedious these functions can actually be. You've only attended them as a casual bystander. Here, you'll be center stage, all eyes on you. People you've never met and would never want to meet will be picking you brain for hours on end all while photographers are snapping away and you're trying to keep your husband from making a shithead of himself. It's like being in the sixth circle of hell."  
  
"Sounds like my kinda party," Donna quipped, casting a glance at him. "If you really hate these things that much, why don't you just not go?"  
  
"I would rather consider voting for a Republican candidate than attend another one these things," Toby answered. "And yet, for some reason, your husband is now paying for my salary. Ergo, he's making me go to this affair."  
  
An idea formulated in Donna's head as she hung up the phone, a somewhat evil smile gracing her face as she stared at Toby.  
  
"What?" he asked her, noticing the funny look she was giving him. "Donna, are you okay? Do I have something somewhere...?" Before Toby could continue, Josh re-entered the room, playing with the baby.  
  
"Hey Toby what's up?" he asked casually. "Did you find a sitter yet?" he directed at Donna.  
  
"Yep," she answered grinning. "Toby has graciously volunteered to watch the girls tonight."  
  
"He did?" Josh asked, shocked.  
  
"I did?" Toby responded, equally as shocked.  
  
"Of course you did," Donna said, going to Josh and taking the baby from him. "This way, Josh and I can go to the party without worrying about leaving the girls with a stranger and you can avoid the party all together."  
  
"Yeah but Josh said that he needed me tonight," Toby countered, even more uncomfortable with the idea of watching a six year-old and an infant than he was with going to the party.  
  
"I think I can manage without you," Josh added, enjoying the sight of Toby's obvious discomfort.  
  
"Really, I think there are others more qualified than I am to take care of..." his objections were halted as Donna walked over to him and placed Natalie in his arms. The baby girl immediately started flaying her arms around, trying in vain to grasp her tiny hands into Toby's beard.  
  
"Hey don't we have a conference call to take right now?" Josh asked as he went to get his coat.  
  
"Yeah," Toby sighed dejectedly, handing the squirming infant back to her mother. "I'll be here at seven. I'm not bathing them nor am I feeding them either."  
  
"That'll be taken care of," Donna assured him. "Just keep them amused until bedtime without injuring them physically or psychologically in anyway."  
  
"No problem," Toby said as he left the room, his shoulders slumped.  
  
"That was brilliant," Josh told her as he leaned in for a kiss. They lingered on like that for a moment until Natalie started gurgling, breaking them apart. Josh bent to kiss his daughter's head. "I'll see you later," he said as he left the room. 


	3. Chapter 3

Hartford Country Club: That Evening  
  
"...So I say to him, 'Listen I'm with you on this one. Just leave some pork in the trough for the rest of us!" The small group burst out laughing at the joke from Congressman Andrews, Josh and Donna among them, their laughter considerably more forced. They'd arrived at the club a mere two hours ago and Josh already felt that if he heard another joke about politics or sports or the governor the state, his head would literally explode. And they hadn't even eaten dinner yet, so there was still a few more hours of this torture to endure.  
  
"If you'll excuse us," Donna said diplomatically to the group, sensing her husband's boredom and pulling him away to a secluded corner in the massive dining hall. The room was filled with people, all heavily affiliated with the Democratic Party of Connecticut, and all clamoring for Josh's attention.  
  
"This is insane," Josh complained as they stepped onto a vacant balcony. "I really thought Toby was just exaggerating about all this stuff. He was downplaying it, Donna."  
  
"I know," she told him, running her hands across his chest in an attempt to calm him down. "But we'll leave soon. You'll make your grand speech to the masses and we'll be outta here."  
  
"Yeah, if I don't kill myself before then," the words escaping his lips before he could take them back. Donna immediately cast her eyes downward and clung on to Josh's lapels a little tighter. "I'm sorry," he apologized, pulling his arms around her. "I didn't think."  
  
Donna sniffled a little, wiping away at any tears in her eyes. "You never do so why start now?" she joked, trying to add some levity to the situation. "It's okay. Don't worry about it now. Focus on the speech."  
  
"I'd rather focus on you," he leered, wrapping her body in his suit coat, and kissing her softly.  
  
Donna let out a moan of pleasure as his tongue dueled with hers lightly and his hands explored the bare expanse of her back. Things would have escalated much further than that had voice not made its presence known.  
  
"Excuse me, Mrs. Lyman," an unknown someone, probably a campaign intern of some sort, said from the doorway. "There's a group from the Literacy Association of Hartford that'd like a moment of your time."  
  
"I'll be right there," Donna answered professionally. They both sighed as they parted and Donna straightened her dress out a little. "So it starts."  
  
"Yeah, I guess so."  
  
Donna gave him one more quick kiss. "You coming in?"  
  
"In a minute," he replied. "I need to think for a bit."  
  
"What you really need is to find yourself some inspiring thoughts, as my mother would have said," she quipped as she walked back into the feeding frenzy.  
  
He stared out into the night sky after Donna left him, wondering how it had all happened so fast. A year ago, he'd been living in an apartment in D.C. with his fiancée and her daughter, working for the President of the United States, surrounded by his best friends. Tonight, he was standing on a balcony outside of a party that the Democratic Party of Connecticut was throwing for his senatorial campaign while his wife was inside mingling. He was in the process of adopting a six year-old girl and trying to figure out how to take care of a three month-old girl, both of whom were being watched in his newly purchased, rambling mansion by the former White House Communications Director. That man was the only left with him besides his wife from his days at the West Wing. His mentor had hit the lecture circuit, his leader was retired to his beloved farm though tragically, ironically without his beloved, his surrogate sister was re-charging her batteries in Europe somewhere, and his best friend wasn't even speaking to him anymore. Not to mention the fact that the new occupant of the White House was someone who wasn't going to take too kindly to Josh if he somehow did manage to win this thing. He could almost feel his head start to spin with the enormity of the changes he'd undergone in the past twelve months.  
  
Josh began walking to the other end of the balcony to get another view of the grounds. When he got there, he discovered that he wasn't alone. A young man was sitting on bench, his back leaning against the wall with what appeared to be a book in his hand. His wire-rimmed glasses were sliding against his nose, his jet-black hair neatly combed and gelled, and his uniform indicated that he was on the wait staff at the party this evening. Curious as to what he was doing out here, Josh approached him.  
  
"Hey," he said, startling the boy. "What are you doing out here?"  
  
"I'm.I'm sorry, sir," the kid said hastily, trying to stumble to his feet and put on his discarded jacket at the same time. "I'll.I'll.I'm getting right back to work, sir. I apologize for disturbing you."  
  
"From the looks of things, it seems I was the one disturbing you," Josh countered, going closer to him near the bench. He sat down on the spot the young man had vacated. "You don't have to leave if you don't have to. I'm not your boss or anything."  
  
"But this is your party and I'm supposed to be serving food to everyone, sir," he replied, straightening the red suit coat and turning to go back into a doorway.  
  
"Are you on a break?"  
  
The boy turned around to look at Josh. "Yes sir, I am. Before we start serving the appetizers."  
  
"Have you been a waiter for very long?"  
  
"Actually, sir, this is my first week on the job."  
  
"Then trust me when I tell you that you do not want to go back in there until you absolutely have," Josh advised. "You're not gonna get to even breathe for the next couple of hours so just relax while you can." He patted the empty spot on the stone bench. "Sit down for a minute."  
  
The young man paused for a second, than took his seat again. "You worked as a waiter before, sir?"  
  
"Yep," Josh nodded, a smile on his face as he recalled the memory. "It was actually how I got into politics in the first place."  
  
"Really? How?"  
  
"Well I was nineteen and I was attending Harvard University, earning a degree in political science. Now my family was pretty well off but it hadn't always been that way. So to make sure I always knew to appreciate my education, my father insisted that wherever I went to college, I was expected to pay for half of my tuition and board expenses. And this being Harvard University, you can see how waiting tables came into the equation. So anyways, I was waiting tables one night at the Harvard Alumni Club when who should walk in but Congressman Earl Brennan."  
  
"The same one who staged the filibuster that prevented the Republicans from repealing the Welfare Protection Act in 1979, right?" the kid interrupted, transfixed by the story.  
  
"Yeah that was him," Josh answered, pleasantly surprised that this guy seemed to know his history. "Anyways, Congressman Brennan was there for the annual alumni dinner, which is when we'd feed about five hundred of the former alumnus. This is also when you, as an undergrad, start developing your connections for whatever comes next for you after college. So I ended up getting assigned to the Congressman Brennan's table and from going back and forth, I overheard that his table was talking about a new bill in the House that would essentially clear more land in Pennsylvania for landfills. And if you ever heard anything about Earl Brennan, you know the environment was one of his top priorities. So being the arrogant nineteen year-old I was, I decide I'm going to impress him with my abundance of knowledge about the environment and hopefully secure myself in his good graces."  
  
"Did it work?" the kid asked with a grin.  
  
Josh hung his head as he laughed. "I ended spilling a pot of tomato bisque onto his wife and then proceeded to accidentally light the chief-of-staff from Massachusetts General Hospital on fire when I knocked over some candles in my haste to clean Mrs. Brennan up."  
  
The young man started laughing with him. "Man, you must have gotten into trouble because of that!"  
  
"I got fired because of that," Josh corrected, still laughing. "But afterwards, when I was forced into cleaning up the entire dining room by myself as penance, Congressman Brennan came back in to get his glasses. We ended up talking and he offered me a summer internship on his staff in D.C. and I've been hooked ever since." He looked over the kid. "What's your name by the way?"  
  
"Gus, sir," he replied. "Gus Whittaker."  
  
"Nice to meet you, Gus, I'm Josh Lyman," he offered his hand to the young man, shaking it. "What are you doing working here?"  
  
"Same thing you were, trying to get through college."  
  
"You to go to UC at Hartford?"  
  
"Yes sir, I'm business major."  
  
"Your folks don't help you out?"  
  
"Well." Gus paused as if he didn't want to continue but Josh was looking at him with such interest, he did. "My mom died when I was a kid and my father has another family now and can't afford to help me, sir."  
  
"How old are you?"  
  
"I just turned eighteen a month ago, sir. On December 8 actually."  
  
"Really? I'm surprised because that happens to be my older daughter's birthday," Josh observed.  
  
"I know, I read about that in the paper. You skipped a rally to attend the birthday party didn't you?"  
  
"Yep. If I can give you some more advice, a pony for a kid's birthday party is a great idea except when an ice storm forces the party to be indoors."  
  
Gus laughed and the two men lapsed into silence again. "How come you went, sir?" Gus suddenly asked.  
  
"I'm sorry?"  
  
"It was a rally held by the Knight's of Columbus," Gus tried to elaborate. "They're a very big local organization in Westchester with a lot of influence and you're from there so why didn't you go?"  
  
"It was my daughter's birthday," Josh shrugged.  
  
"But they'll be other birthdays for her."  
  
"But not another sixth birthday," Josh pointed out. "Someone smarter than me told me once that you only get one chance to see your kids grow up and I'm not gonna waste the time I've got with them. The Knight's of Columbus can throw me a rally some other time, I wasn't missing that party."  
  
"That seems like a very nonchalant attitude if you ask me," Gus answered. "You can't just blow off things like that."  
  
"And why is that?" he asked Gus, curious to hear his answer.  
  
"Because we need you here, Josh!" Gus argued passionately, all thoughts of decorum leaving his mind. "Senator Brooks is doing nothing for this state except cut our education funding, throw our African-American population in prison, increase federal spending on tax exemptions for Corporate America, and denying women the right to choose to do what they want with their bodies! You're.you're going to change all that. I know you are but you have to get elected first and you can't get elected if you keep pushing away the very people who are trying to support you."  
  
"And just how am I doing that, since you seem to know more about Democratic politics than I do?" Josh asked, testing him.  
  
"I don't think I know more than you do, sir," Gus replied, a bit calmer. "But I do know, you're sitting out here when in there," he pointed to the dining hall, "are people who want you in the Senate. They may not be the most interesting or compassionate bunch of individuals but they're supporting you with their time and money. You can't even thank them for it?"  
  
Josh looked at him thoughtfully for a minute. Gus was right, of course, but there was something in his eyes that Josh thought he'd never see again. A passion that he'd had when he was that age, an idealism that can come only with youth and inexperience. He still saw it time to time in Donna's blue eyes but in these black eyes, Gus's eyes, Josh saw it with such unbridled abandon it surprised him. And he knew in that second that he needed to see that look everyday to help keep him going on this campaign.  
  
"You're going to do something for me," Josh told him seriously. "It's gonna be scary and hard and not always that much fun but you're gonna do it because I'm asking you to and I need you to, Gus."  
  
"Okay, what is it?" Gus asked with some trepidation blanketing his voice.  
  
"You're gonna come work for me on my campaign, as my personal aide," Josh said, letting Gus take in the news for a minute before continuing. "I've interviewed more people than I'm proud to admit for this job and you're the first I've talked to that doesn't want this job for a title on his or her resume. You'd do this job because you want to serve something greater than yourself and out of your genuine belief that politics is a noble profession because you love it so much."  
  
"What.what makes you think I love politics so much?" Gus asked, his voice wavering a little.  
  
"Single greatest achievement of Carter's presidency?"  
  
"The Camp David Peace Accords, more cosmetic than anything else but it was something at least. Especially in that time." he trailed off as he caught Josh hiding a grin at him. "Okay, so I'm a political junkie," Gus admitted. "That still doesn't mean I should be working for you on an important campaign. I'd just get in the way of things; I wouldn't know what to do."  
  
"Neither did I," Josh replied. "Neither did President Bartlet or Toby Ziegler or Leo McGarry or C.J. Cregg or anyone else who's important in politics today. We all ran around like idiots when we were young, trying to learn the game. Always remember, everyone who was ever truly great at something was also once bad at it when they first started." He saw Gus contemplating the offer that had just been presented to him and knew he needed a bit of time to let it sink in. "Do you know the address or the phone number for our Hartford office?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Today's Friday. If I don't hear from you by Monday, good luck with the rest of your life." With that, Josh stood back up and headed back to the party. "I think they're about to start dinner Gus. Be careful with the soup pot," he called out as he left the boy behind on the bench.  
  
When he got back in, he ran into Donna in the doorway. "Hey where are you headed?"  
  
"To go find you," she replied, smoothing the wrinkles out of her ice blue evening gown. "They're about to serve the meal."  
  
"Well why don't we go see what hundred and fifty dollars a plate will buy people these days," he said, holding out his elbow for her to slip her arm through and giving her a bright smile.  
  
"What's gotten into you?" she questioned, noting happily that the expression on his face was without the lines of frustration and exhaustion it had had when she left him a half hour ago.  
  
Josh smiled at her as they entered the dining hall amid a throng of people. "I found myself some inspiring thoughts," he whispered to Donna before they were swallowed up by the mass of people. 


	4. Chapter 4

Lyman Campaign Headquarters: March 11, 2004  
  
"Mr. Lyman, the Greenwich Daily News would like an interview with you, sir."  
  
"There's a problem with the lighting at the civic center, they want to know if you want to change venues, Mr. Lyman."  
  
"I'm terribly sorry, sir, I just need a moment of your time to discuss."  
  
"Discuss it with Toby," Josh replied, on an ever-shrinking short fuse, to whom ever the question had been from. He was in his office, trying to figure out the earliest he'd be able to get home tonight and looking at his schedule it looked like if he hurried, it was going to be close to this time next year. Hence, the short fuse.  
  
"But, sir, if I could just." the anonymous staffer continued  
  
"Go do your job without me holding your hand for you?" Josh shot out. "Yeah I'd appreciate that, thank you very much. Now could you all please vacate my office before I decide our next budget cuts should involve staff salaries." The staff members dispersed to their respective sections of the house while Josh sat back at his desk and groaned. One of the reasons he and Donna had decided to use the guesthouse as the campaign headquarters was because of its close proximity to Langley House but it seemed that ever since winning the primary last month, his time with his family was becoming more limited.  
  
"You okay, sir?" Josh looked up and saw Gus peering into the room.  
  
"Gus, I swear on anything and everything that is holy," Josh started, "if these people do not get their asses in gear in the next week, I'm gonna."  
  
"Rain down fire and brimstone the likes of which God himself could not comprehend," Gus finished with him, having heard this threat many, many times since joining the campaign. "Yeah, yeah I know. Do you want me to run downtown and get you a scythe just in case?"  
  
"Since when did you grow a backbone?" Josh asked him, testily.  
  
"Since I figured out that your wife adores me therefore she'll never let you fire me," the young man taunted him. As pissed as he was, even Josh had to smile at his aide and the confidence he'd gained in just a few short weeks.  
  
Gus had, naturally, accepted the job and had joined the campaign as Josh's personal aide part-time while still attending school. The first week was rough on him, as it would be on anyone who was coming into a well-oiled machine with no experience, but he gradually adjusted. Nowadays, Gus could reorganize Josh's schedule with ease, handle phone calls from demanding contributors and reporters, and study for an Economics final all at the same time.  
  
Drawn by the similarity of their backgrounds, Donna had taken it upon herself to make sure that Gus got into the swing of things in terms of the campaign. She gave him advice, encouragement, and limitless support. Whenever Gus would go up to the house to tell Donna that Josh would not be joining them for dinner, she'd pull a chair out and invite Gus to eat a fresh, home-cooked meal. He was friendly with Toby and the other campaign leaders, he was efficient, he was personable, and most important he had a never-ending patience for Josh's moods and antics. All in all, it was a good match.  
  
"So," Josh said as he got up and stretched his back, "what's next?"  
  
Gus opened his notebook for a quick check. He looked back at Josh with a puzzled look. "You've got an appointment marked down here but it doesn't say what it is," Gus explained. "I don't remember writing it down." He gave Josh a semi-stern glare. "You weren't touching the schedule were you? Because you know that Donna says you're not allowed to do that."  
  
"Hey, whose name and face are on these posters here?" Josh asked, gesturing to the campaign posters in his office. His face, name, and slogan, "Change Happens Now" lined the walls and windows of the home. "Mine, okay? My face and my name. Not my wife's. These posters do not say 'Donnatella Lyman: 2004.' That is my name up there. Got it? I'm in charge here, not her."  
  
"Yeah just keep telling yourself that," Gus scoffed, ignoring him because he knew the truth. "Seriously though, did you make this appointment?"  
  
"Let me see." Gus handed him the book and pointed to the peculiar log, which Josh looked at curiously. "This looks like its Donna's handwriting but she didn't say anything to me about it." Josh walked out of the office and into the staff area. "Donna!" he called out to the general vicinity of everyone, hoping that she was still there working on some events she had planned.  
  
"Yeah, hold on a minute," he heard her call back from across the room. He looked around and saw her giving instructions to some of the staff. When she was done, she walked over to him. "Gus, can we have the room for a bit?" she told the aide. He nodded in understanding and had Josh been looking more closely, he'd have seen the pair exchange a microscopic wink before he and Donna went back into his office, closing the door behind them. "What's up?"  
  
"Did you make an appointment for me today that you forgot to mention?" Josh questioned her.  
  
"Um.yes and no," she replied mysteriously.  
  
"How is that possible?"  
  
"I mean yes, I did schedule an appointment for you today," Donna explained, going over to the desk to look over some papers, "but no, I did not forget to mention said appointment to you."  
  
"But you didn't tell me about it."  
  
"Which is remarkably not the same thing as forgetting to mention it to you," Donna observed, putting the papers down and going over to stand with him. "It's nothing bad, I promise. It's just a little, itty-bitty, teeny- weeny surprise."  
  
"Oh come on Donna," Josh groaned, banging his head back against the wall. "You know I hate surprises more than anything in the world."  
  
"More than Jerry Fallwell?" Donna asked with half a grin.  
  
"Ye.okay maybe not as much as Fallwell," he conceded, pulling Donna's body closer to his, craving just a little bit of intimacy with her during the hell that was campaigning, "but you know it's like in the top six of things I hate the most."  
  
"Well this surprise you'll like, I guarantee it," Donna assured him, wrapping her arms around his neck as she began to kiss him passionately. "And she's very eager to see you so be polite."  
  
"She? My surprise is a 'she'," Josh said distractedly, moving his head down to neck his wife and slip his hands down to her backside. "Because I'm perfectly content right now with the 'she' that is in front of me at the moment. When am I supposed to see this 'she' that you speak of?"  
  
"Right now, Joshua," an unmistakable voice said from the open door. His head shot up and he looked over in amazement to see his mother, Dr. Rachel Lyman, leaning casually against the doorframe, dressed in a simple business suit, her bright red hair pulled into a bun and a knowing smile on her face. "Unless, of course, I happen to be interrupting something "  
  
"Mom?" he said, stunned to be seeing her right then and embarrassed to be caught making out with his wife by his mother. "I don't understand. What.what are you doing here?"  
  
"Waiting for my only son to get his mind out of a certain body appendage and give me hug," she said, holding out her arms as Josh walked over to her, encompassing her son in a warm embrace. She pulled back after a minute and held Josh's face in her hands. "Oh, my sweet boy, you look wonderful. It's so good to see you again."  
  
"Yeah, it's great to see you too, Mom," he told her warmly, his shock dissolving into happiness. "But again I ask, what the hell are you doing here? You were supposed to be in Africa until May."  
  
"Supposed to be and yet here I am," Rachel teased. "But really, I was just so eager to come back home and meet my grandchildren that I cracked the whip on my staff out there. We finished our research ahead of schedule and now I have a week free to bond with my granddaughters before I need to get back to Florida."  
  
"Oh that's great, Mom," he said, moving in for another hug. Then he remembered that his wife was standing in the room with them, back towards the wall to give the newly reunited mother and son some space. "Uh, Mom, you remember Donna right?" he asked a little awkwardly, unsure of what the proper etiquette was in introducing his wife to his mother.  
  
"Of course I remember her, who the hell did you think orchestrated this whole thing? Certainly not you, that's for sure, right sweetheart?" Rachel said to Donna, going over to her and giving the woman a hug, which she reciprocated. "It's going to be so nice to have a daughter again," the older woman whispered softly into Donna's ear, so Josh couldn't hear.  
  
Donna swallowed back her tears, a bit overwhelmed by how easily Rachel had accepted her into her family. "Hi Rachel," she said when they pulled apart. "It's good to have you back here."  
  
"Well it's good to be back," Rachel agreed. "And it will be even better to be back when I have both my grandchildren in my arms. Now where the hell are you hiding them from me?"  
  
Josh and Donna laughed at her eagerness to meet the girls. "Donna's sister, Nicole, took them for the day," he said regretfully. "But they're due back here any..."  
  
"Mommy! Daddy! We're back from the mall and we got new clothes and when we got back here Aunt Nicole stubbed her toe and then she used a grown-up word me and Natty aren't supposed hear!" they heard Emma shriek from outside of the office.  
  
"Minute," Josh barely got the word out before his mother flew out the room in search of her grandchildren. He turned back to his wife and took her hands into his own before kissing her softly. "Thank you," he whispered before they went back outside to join everyone.  
  
And for the next few days, life was wonderful for them. Rachel stayed at Langley House and spent nearly every hour of every day dotting on her new daughter-in-law and grandchildren during the day while Josh was making public appearances and taking meetings. With his mother home, he made a more conscious effort to get home at a reasonable hour and as a result, he was much more manageable at the office. Everything was going great during those few days in March for the Lymans. Josh was starting to catch up to Brooks in the polls, Donna found a few causes and charities that she was interested in offering support to, Rachel had managed to get her leave from her teaching job extended so she could spend more time with her family, Emma was thriving in her new school with her teachers already saying that they thought she could handle skipping second grade for third grade next year, and little Natalie was just content to be around her parents, her big sister, and her grandma. Things were going so great that even Toby was seen cracking a smile every now and again. Josh didn't know how he could be any happier and that worried him beyond belief. He could almost physically feel something lurking around the corner, just waiting for the right moment to burst out and steal their joy away. He tried to shake it off by throwing himself into getting elected, spending time getting reacquainted with his mother, playing with the girls, and making love to his wife any moment he could. But Josh's methods of distraction were to no avail. Finally, the ball dropped.  
  
Josh and Donna, Toby and Nicole, and Rachel, accompanied by a visiting Leo, went out for an early dinner one evening and to take in a concert in Hartford. Gus offered to watch the girls for the evening and the adults had enjoyed a pleasant evening of dining and orchestra. They returned back to the house for some dessert and found that Gus had managed to settle the girls into bed all by himself.  
  
"Not an easy accomplishment, I assure you," Toby pointed out to the group while Gus gathered his things, drawing back on his own experience of baby- sitting the two youngest Lymans.  
  
Rachel pretended to glare at him. "Bite your tongue, Tobias, my granddaughters are perfect."  
  
"I'm not saying they're not perfect," Toby tried to clarify. "I'm just saying it's obscene the amounts of sugar these two girls can intake."  
  
"You fed them sugar? From where?" Donna demanded heatedly, having insisted the girls eat healthy while they were developing.  
  
"From Josh's stash in his office," Toby said, not noticing the gesturing of no that Josh was giving him behind Donna's back. He grinned sheepishly when Donna turned her displeasure onto him.  
  
"You know.just every once.when they're good." he stuttered to her. He turned away from his wife's steely eyes to his former boss's amused ones. "Leo, you were married the longest, help me out here."  
  
Leo grinned at him. "Be a man Josh. Stand up to your wife, tell her who's boss."  
  
"The problem with that is she is the boss."  
  
"Damn right I am," Donna proclaimed, giving Josh a wink to tell him he wasn't in that much trouble. Gus came out to leave then and bid everyone goodbye as the filed into the living room, leaving only Gus and Donna in the hallway. "Oh Gus, did anyone call for me about a dedication ceremony? I was expecting a call from someone from the pediatric center at Hartford Memorial."  
  
Gus crinkled his brow as he thought back. "Well a doctor called for you, Donna, but I don't know from what hospital he was from."  
  
"Did you get his name?"  
  
"Yeah, hold on a sec." Gus went over to the end table where the phone messages were and rifled through them until he found the one he wanted. "Here it is. Goodnight." He handed it to her and was about to leave when he noticed that her face immediately went from pale to ashen as she read the message. "Donna? Are you okay?" he asked, concerned. She continued staring at the paper, as if she hadn't even heard him. "Donna what is it?"  
  
She snapped her head up and looked at him as if she had just noticed him. "Oh, um, it's no.nothing, Gus," she told him unevenly. "Thank you for watching the girls."  
  
He nodded at her as he left, still a little worried. "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"Yeah," Donna said offhand, going slowly into the living room with robotic- like steps. When she got there, no one really noticed her at first as she had walked in during the middle of Leo telling a story about Josh's parents when they were younger.  
  
"So Noah comes up to me and says, 'Let me trade you, my date for yours.' So he ended up with Rachel and I ended up with her three hundred pound, German roommate Helga for four hours!" Everyone laughed at the story, except of course for Donna, but no one noticed until Nicole spotted her.  
  
"Donna what's wrong?" she asked going over to her as the laughter died down when they saw the look on her face. She didn't say anything, just simply handed over the scrap of paper to Nicole and walked over to the mantle over the fireplace, staring blindly at the family photos that lined it.  
  
"What does it say?" Josh asked his sister-in-law, a knot of fear forming in his stomach. Nicole quickly looked down at the paper and immediately closed her eyes at what she read there. "What the hell does it say, Nicole?"  
  
She looked sympathetically at her brother-in-law, feeling the tears well behind her eyes as she thought of what this could do to all of them. "It's from Ben, he called here tonight," she whispered, as if saying it any louder would cause him to suddenly appear in front of them.  
  
Josh felt his mouth go dry and the air being knocked out of him as if he'd been punched in the stomach. 'This is not happening!' his mind screamed. "Ben?" he repeated.  
  
"Yeah," Nicole nodded. "He, uh, wants to talk to Donna apparently." Josh felt his legs turn to water underneath and he collapsed back onto the sofa, resting his head in his hands and trying to block out what was happening.  
  
"Does it say about what?" Toby asked, mentally preparing to go on the offensive to save his friends from whatever trouble was headed their way.  
  
She looked at her sister, already seeing what distress she was in over this. "It says," she read out loud, "we need to talk about the kid."  
  
"What kid? What is all this?" Rachel demanded to know, desperately worried and angry over the reactions her son and his wife were experiencing over this message. "Who is this Ben person?"  
  
"He's Emma's father, Rachel," Leo explained quietly to the stunned woman.  
  
"No he is not!" Donna shouted to them, startling everyone with the volume and tone of her voice. She stalked back over to Leo and got right in his face. "He is not Emma's father! Don't you ever say that again! Josh is her father and I am not letting fucking Ben Peterson anywhere near my daughter!" Her energy tapered out as she began to fully understand what was happening and collapsed against her sister's shoulder, in tears. "Oh my God, why is he doing this?"  
  
"I don't know, sweetie, I don't know," Nicole answered as she rubbed Donna's shuddering back, feeling a tidal wave of anger and desperation wash over her.  
  
Toby observed the scene for a minute before going over to Nicole. "Give me the number."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just give me the damn number, Nicole." She handed him the message and he walked out of the room.  
  
"What are you doing?" Leo questioned.  
  
Toby turned to him. "I'm gonna go and have a little chat with the good Dr. Peterson."  
  
Rachel and Leo walked over to the couch and sat besides Josh, Rachel wrapping her arms around her little boy's stiff shoulders. "It's gonna be okay, son," Leo assured him. "We'll work this out, I promise you."  
  
"You can't promise that, Leo," Josh contradicted. "We don't know what he's gonna do, we don't know what the hell he wants."  
  
"Then let's wait and find out what he does want before we start panicking," Nicole tried to be positive. "Maybe he doesn't even want anything, maybe he just wanted to sign the papers for the adoption."  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure that's all he wanted, Nic," Donna spat out, gently pushing away from her sister. "Because Ben has always been so considerate and forthright like that. What if he.?"  
  
"Let's not worry about that just yet," Rachel echoed Leo's words.  
  
The two minutes that passed while Toby made his phone call were some of the longest two minutes of anyone's lives. It was so strange that this man, whom most of them knew only by reputation, had such a power over all of them. At last, Toby reappeared, the expression on his face noncommittal.  
  
"What did he say?" Josh finally asked, standing and going to his wife's side.  
  
Toby took a deep breath before he began, knowing the fervor that his first statement would cause. "He's here in Connecticut."  
  
"Oh God no," Donna moaned from Josh's shoulder. He instinctively wrapped his arms tighter around her.  
  
"But he didn't give me any indication that he was going to fight for Emma," Toby continued. Everyone in the room let out a sigh of relief. "He did, however, insist that you meet with him, Donna, next Saturday."  
  
"Why then? I thought he was now?" Rachel questioned.  
  
"He's here for a medical convention and he flies to Chicago tomorrow. He can make time for next Saturday to meet you in Baltimore and that's the soonest he said could do it."  
  
"Okay," Josh nodded, feeling slightly more at ease. "We can live with that, I guess. Where does he want to meet us?"  
  
"That's the thing," Toby continued. "He was adamant that you not be at the meeting, Josh. Just Donna."  
  
Josh stared at him incredulously. "Is he kidding me? He thinks I'm gonna let my wife just."  
  
"No, it's okay. I'll do it," Donna broke in. Her husband looked at her with uncomprehending eyes. "I know Ben. I know how he works. It'll be easier to find out what he wants without you there."  
  
"Are you sure?" he asked after a minute. She nodded carefully and leaned her head against his chest, letting him rock her for a few minutes, oblivious to their guests.  
  
"We should get going," Nicole said suddenly, gathering her coat and purse. She went over to them both and gave them each a lasting hug. "It'll be okay," she tried to convince them and herself. Toby offered Josh a handshake and Donna a kiss before the couple departed. Leo left a few minutes later, instructing Josh to get their attorney on the phone in the morning to alert them to this latest development. Rachel headed to bed after bidding them goodnight. After their company was gone, Josh and Donna held onto one another for a bit longer, not wanting to go to bed yet out of fear of the uncertainty the next day would present them with.  
  
Finally, they made their upstairs to their bedroom. When they got there, Josh veered left, saying he was going to check on Emma and that she should see how Natalie was doing. They went off to their respective child and Donna walked into the nursery.  
  
The baby was awake, cooing and trying to eat her tiny fist at the same time. Donna smiled, despite her anxieties, at the baby's innocent actions. Every moment she had with Natalie was precious to her since she had missed out on seeing most of Emma's firsts: her first crawl, her first word, her first step; Donna had been there for none of them. Sure she'd seen the photos and videotapes, all of which were some of her most sacred processions but it wasn't the same as being called "Mommy" or holding out her arms as Emma toddled over to her shakily. And now with this thing with Ben, she might miss even more.  
  
Donna reached into the crib and pulled Natalie to her, clutching her possessively and rocking her gently, clinging to the simple sounds she made. Donna didn't want to let her go, not even for a minute irrationally feeling that if Ben had the power to take Emma from her, what was to stop him from taking Natalie? The fear threatened to swallow her whole and she knew the only relief from it was to have both her daughters with her right now.  
  
She walked out of the nursery with the baby, prepared to go to Emma when her husband walked in from the hallway with an armload of blankets. Inside, Donna could make out the shape of her little girl and was grateful that Josh was as in tune to her as she used to claim he was.  
  
They put both girls down onto the bed and proceeded to their nighttime rituals. Once they were changed and refreshed, they settled onto the bed, Donna carefully placing Natalie among the pillows and blankets. She laid down on her side afterwards, gazing down as the baby drifted off to sleep again, comfortable in her new surroundings. Josh picked up the older girl and sat back on the bed, his back resting against the headboard as Emma curled herself into his arms, not even stirring. He placed soft kisses on the top of her head and rubbed her back before pulling away to look down at her peaceful face.  
  
"Does she look like him?" he asked Donna tentatively.  
  
She tore her eyes away from the infant and looked at her husband in the dim light of the dark room. "What?"  
  
"Emma. Does she look like.him?" Josh asked more firmly. "Like Ben."  
  
"Would it matter if she did?"  
  
Josh thought for a minute and shook his head slowly. "No but I just want her to be able to answer honestly if someone ever asks her if she looks like her father."  
  
Donna reached over to take his hand. "She doesn't look like him. She just has a birthmark that's similar to one he has but that's it. The rest of her is pretty much my dad and I." She paused for a second. "I'm so sorry I'm doing this to you," Donna apologized. "This the last thing you need with the campaign going on."  
  
"If he tells you next Saturday that he'll leave the country for the rest of his life if I drop out of the election, I'll go down to the statehouse that afternoon and take my name off the ballot," he interrupted and Donna could tell he meant it. "Nothing is more important you and the girls. You three are the only thing I'm thinking about every day and every night. I'd do anything to keep you all safe and happy." He rested his and Donna's joined hands lightly on Natalie's stomach while Donna's other went up to Emma's knee. She repeated the words to him that he'd said to her on another dark night when she felt like her world was caving in around her.  
  
"It's gonna be fine." 


	5. Chapter 5

Baltimore, Maryland: April 1, 2004  
  
Donna fidgeted in her chair and glanced down at her watch for what felt like the hundredth time in the past five minutes. Her nerves were shot from anxiety and her mind was as sharp as Play Dough from not getting any sleep the previous night. Her Rolex read 1:19 pm, which meant that he was exactly nineteen minutes late for what could very well be the most important conversation the two of them would ever have. 'Why am I not surprised?' she thought bitterly.  
  
She sat alone patiently in a private booth at the trendy Baltimore eatery Morison's, waiting for Ben to walk in so they could discuss whatever it was he wanted to about Emma. She and Josh had argued to no end about her going alone but she eventually conceded, agreeing Ben would be more likely to respond to Donna without any outside pressure. Little did Donna know but Josh had his own reconnaissance sitting just a few tables away from her for the ease of his own mind. But Donna was too focused on what she was about to do to be too concerned about her husband's need to have some control over everything.  
  
'What the hell is taking him so long?' Donna wondered. She contemplated all the scenarios that could have delayed Ben's arrival today. Maybe bad traffic or a patient that he needed to consult on or maybe he'd even been hurt in some kind of accident. 'But you're not that lucky, sweetie,' a voice in her head that sounded strangely like Mena's told Donna. Just as her own thoughts were about to reprimand her grandmother's mental voice, she heard the sound of her own name being called and she looked up to see him walking right toward her.  
  
'Well it's good to know that some things will never change' she almost said out loud. Ben was still as handsome as ever from what she could see, the Brad Pitt of the obstetrics ward although he looked like he could have been John Cusack's twin. The raven-colored hair, the eyes, the sharply defined features of a man who knew how good he looked; it was all still there, aged only ever so slightly after six years apart. The only difference was unlike then, Donna now knew there was someone out there even better looking than him and it was her husband. But she wasn't here to ogle; she was here to ensure her daughter's future.  
  
Ben reached her table and she stood up as he got there. They both stood there for moment, not speaking, just looking and taking in the other's appearance. Neither could see any obvious changes to other, except Ben's notice of Donna's new wardrobe. Years away from one another gave them a new understanding of the two of them but now was not the time for reflection.  
  
"Hello Donna," he said softly, breaking the impasse.  
  
"Hi Ben," she returned. The two of them stood for there for another long moment until Ben finally, awkwardly reached over to kiss her cheek. She gave him a tight smile and motioned for them both to sit down. "So, um," she fumbled, "how are, uh, things for you?"  
  
"Good, real good. I was working on my residency in Chicago for a while but I just accepted an attending position at Cedar's Sinai in L.A.," he replied, looking at her intently.  
  
"Really, that's great. I'm really happy for you." The silence reentered the conversation and Donna fiddled with her napkin to give her something to do with herself. "Are you, uh, still.?"  
  
"Donna, let's not do this right now," he interrupted her. "We both know why we're here and it's not to play catch up."  
  
"Okay," she said, putting the napkin down and giving him a fiery glower. "What are we doing here than?"  
  
Ben looked away from her obvious display of anger, his ever-present confidence faltering slightly. "Dee, listen."  
  
"My name is not Dee," she whispered heatedly. "Nor is it Baby or Honey or Goldilocks or any of the other hundreds of ridiculous pet names you used to refer to me as. My is Donna and I want to know what the hell we're doing here right now."  
  
"Hello, my name is Tiffany and I'll be you're server this afternoon," a chipper voice broke in. Donna looked up to see a perky-looking brunette standing over them, pad in hand, and seemingly unaware that she had intruded on them. "Can I get either of you a drink before you order?"  
  
"Yeah," Ben answered before Donna could. "I'll have a seltzer with lime and she'll have a glass of red wine." The waitress gave them a curt nod and went to get their drinks.  
  
Donna stared at him, her anger momentarily forgotten. "You remembered?"  
  
"It's kinda hard to forget when someone orders the exact same drink for almost five years."  
  
"What about you? If my memory is correct, you were always a gin and tonic man when you weren't on call."  
  
"Yeah I gave that up," he said, going for a menu to decide on his lunch order.  
  
She copied him while giving him a look of disbelief. "Drinking?" He nodded at her. "Ben Peterson gave up casual drinking?"  
  
"Because it started to get a lot less casual after a few years," Ben clarified, continuing to study the menu.  
  
She averted her eyes. "You're an alcoholic."  
  
"If you want to put a label on it, sure why not?" he shrugged as if it didn't matter, putting down his menu. He looked at her as if he'd just remembered something. "You're not still breast feeding are you? Because you obviously can't."  
  
"No, I stopped that about a month ago," Donna corrected. "It was just too hard with campaigning and Natalie is fine with the bot." she trailed off and looked at him suspiciously. "How'd you know I had another baby?"  
  
Ben gave her a grin. "You do realize that you are Madison, Wisconsin's favorite daughter don't you? Word gets around fast back there. You're daughter's birth announcement even made it into The Observer."  
  
"I thought you were in Chicago?"  
  
"Well I do have friends Donna. A limited number of them, yes, but still they are my friends." He reached into his pocket and took out a cigarette and lighter. "Do you mind?"  
  
She held up her hand. "Go ahead. Just remember you'll be the one I sue when I get lung cancer."  
  
He smirked at her as he lit the cigarette. "So I heard you were real sick before you had your baby, with, uh, aplastic anemia. You're okay now?"  
  
"Yeah," she nodded. "I'm great."  
  
"You're getting regular check-ups?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Are you getting bi-annually plasma transfusions? It's a fairly new treatment for aplastic anemia."  
  
"My doctor didn't see the need. My red count has been normal for the past twenty months so."  
  
"Yeah." They lapsed back into silence until their waitress returned with their drinks and took their lunch orders. When she left, Donna finally took the initiative.  
  
"Ben why did you call me last week?"  
  
He gazed at her long and hard. "You know why."  
  
"No, I really don't," Donna disagreed. "You could have gone through your lawyer or the court. Why did you have to.?"  
  
"You lied to me about her," Ben cut off. "You lied to me when you said you gave the baby up for adoption."  
  
"No I didn't."  
  
He chuckled humorlessly. "Your grandmother taking custody with you moving back in with her is not what I'd call giving up your parental rights."  
  
"You never told me to give up my rights, just my kid," she said stonily. "Remember Ben? All those nights I pleaded with you to not make me have an abortion, to let me keep my baby? When you finally gave in you just told me you didn't care what I did, just to give up the kid. I did until we broke up so what is the problem?"  
  
"The problem is you made me a father against my will, Donna. My feelings were completely disregarded." He noticed her shaking her head and laughing a little. "What the hell is so funny?"  
  
She looked back at him, still laughing quietly. "You honestly think you're her father? My God, Ben, I remember you being a self-centered asshole but I don't remember you being this stupid."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"No excuse me, what gives you the right to call yourself a father? You aren't there for her everyday since she was born like I've been and you certainly haven't loved her with everything your worth like Josh does. You can call yourself many things Benjamin Christopher Peterson but a father to my oldest daughter is not one of them. You got that?"  
  
"Fine," he conceded, "but that still doesn't change the fact that one of us lied to the other about this six years ago."  
  
"Oh what the hell does it matter now?" Donna asked exasperated. "You didn't want her and I did. I kept her and I never asked you for anything. Not one goddamn thing and I don't ever plan to. You are a complete non-entity in her life, she doesn't even now you exist."  
  
"Exactly! And that's how I needed it to be!" he cried, drawing the attention of some of the other patrons. Ben and Donna hung their heads until the attention was off them and by that time their meals had arrived. They cut and chewed their food for a few minutes before Donna picked up where they left off.  
  
"I don't understand what you meant before."  
  
He sighed before putting his fork down and biting on his thumbnail, an action that immediately reminded Donna of Emma when she was uncomfortable. "Do you have a picture of her?" he finally asked.  
  
Donna pursed her lips together and closed her eyes before she reached for her pocketbook. She opened it and took out her wallet, rifling through it until she found a recent school picture of Emma. She slowly handed it over to Ben who just stared at it before taking it from her and lifting it to his eyes. Donna watched him study it carefully, a thousand knots twisting inside her stomach as she observed his reactions. Her heart felt like it would hammer out of her chest as she saw his lips quirk upward ever so slightly. After what felt like an eternity, he handed it back to her.  
  
"She looks just like you," he mumbled softly. "What, uh, is, um uh." he coughed lightly. "The lawyer didn't tell me her name when he called and I never."  
  
"Emma," she said. "Emma Antonia."  
  
He nodded, gazing down at the table seemingly lost in his thoughts. "You really should have told me about her," he said passively after a minute.  
  
"Yeah well there are a lot of things you didn't tell me either so don't get all high and mighty on me because you certainly have not earned the right to travel down the moral high road," Donna shot out, frustrated that she couldn't seem to get a straight answer out of him.  
  
"You think it's my fault and mine alone that our relationship was the way it was?" he fired back. "You knew who I was coming into it. I told you right off the bat that I couldn't handle monogamy at that time and you said, and I quote, 'I can live with that'. Least I was honest about it. You on the other hand, you were completely unfair to me about it from the get go."  
  
"Me coming home and finding you fucking some med student in our bed was honesty?" she demanded, the humiliation of it still stinging after all these years. "How was that fair to me Ben?"  
  
"Well how fair was it was that in order for me to be with you, I had to be with your entire family at the same time?" he wanted to know.  
  
Donna was near tears as she shook her head vehemently. "You sonofabitch. How dare you.?"  
  
"Be truthful with you?" Ben taunted crossly. "Face it Donnatella, you needed them to support you emotionally or you would have fallen apart and you know it. If you knew you couldn't handle it, then why did you try to in the first place?"  
  
Donna was about to respond when a cry of pain startled her. She turned swiftly to the sound and was shocked at what she saw. "Ellie?"  
  
The redheaded young woman turned around to the sound of her sister-in-law's voice. "Donna," she moaned loudly, clutching her pregnant stomach in her hands as she stood.  
  
"Oh my god," Donna whispered excitedly as she rushed over to where Ellie was standing, panting in pain. "Ellie, this is it!"  
  
"No shit Sherlock!" she cried as the full weight of the contraction set in, oblivious to the eyes that stared at her. Donna rubbed her back gently as Ellie gritted her eyes against the pain. "Oh this is too soon," she sighed as the pain began to ebb away. "It's too soon and the nursery isn't ready yet and T.J. isn't here!"  
  
"Where the hell is he?"  
  
"He went out hunting with some friends. We thought.thought that there was time but." Her face contorted in agony. "Oh God, someone help me!" Donna looked around dumbly for someone, anyone to help her sister-in-law.  
  
Suddenly, Ben appeared at their sides, his hands wet as if he'd just washed them somewhere. "Okay Ellie, my name is Dr. Peterson and I'm going get you settled until we can get an ambulance out here," he said calmly, placing his hand on her stomach to feel the contraction. His brow furrowed as he timed the length of it on his watch and he looked up at them when the worst was over. "Ellie we need to get you some privacy now okay?" He turned over to the manager, who had entered upon hearing of the commotion with a first aid kit in his hands. "Is there a back room here that we can use?"  
  
"Of course, you can use our private dining room," the manger hurriedly agreed, leading the trio slowly through the gawking crowd into the secluded back room. When they got there, Ben instructed Ellie to lie down and the manager to give him the kit and call for an ambulance.  
  
"Tell them we have a woman in active labor, that the baby will probably be born before they get here, and that there's a competent physician present to handle any emergencies," he rattled off to the manager as he put on a pair of latex gloves, who rushed to oblige him. "How far along are you Ellie?"  
  
" She's eight and a half months pregnant. What do you mean the baby will born by the time they get here?" Donna whispered nervously, squeezing Ellie's hand as another contraction racked through her body.  
  
Ben ignored Donna and instead placed a hand between Ellie's spread legs and froze his eyes ahead in concentration. He chewed his lip before he looked back at her. "Ellie," he said gently to the young woman. "Ellie listen to me." She turned her glazed eyes toward his warm blue ones. "I know you're in a lot of pain right now but you have to listen to me. You're fully dilated right now so that means your baby is gong to be born very soon. I know that's very scary for you but you need to work with me so everything will go okay. All right? Can you do that for me?" Ellie nodded fearfully. "That's great. Okay when your next contraction sets in, I want you to push down as hard as you can for a count of ten okay?" Ellie nodded again and no more than a second later, her eyes began widening as the contraction came. Donna helped her lean up and Ellie began pushing as Ben counted off.  
  
"Okay 1, 2, 3, 4, 5." Ben's voice disappeared as Ellie's screams began to drown him out. She clutched Donna's hand as if her life depended on it and Donna did her best not to scream herself at the pain Ellie was causing her.  
  
"Oh fuck! I need drugs right now!" Ellie shouted as she stopped pushing and gulped in air.  
  
"A bit late for that I'm afraid," Ben said as he quickly ripped off his jacket. "Come on, you can do this. Woman were doing this for centuries before modern medicine came along."  
  
"Yeah well when you are the one squeezing something the size of a Cadillac out of an opening the size of a keyhole you can lecture me! Until then, just get this baby out of me you bastard! Oh sweet Jesus, here comes another one."  
  
"All right now give me a good, hard push Ellie," Ben coached from his position. For the next ten minutes, it went on like that, with Ellie pushing and Ben and Donna encouraging her. Finally Ben could see a tiny head start to come out of Ellie's body. "Donna, come see this."  
  
Donna peered over Ellie's legs to see a pair of brown eyes stare blindly at her. "Oh Ellie, I can see the head!" she cried eagerly.  
  
"You can? Ellie whispered tiredly but happily. "Does it look okay? Who does it look like, me or T.J.?"  
  
"Right now it just looks like a gray blob covered in Jell-O so why don't we give it one more good push so we can meet the rest of this kid?" Ben asked with a smile.  
  
"Who the hell is this we that you speak.Oh shhhiiittt!" Ellie bellowed as the baby that had grown inside of her for nearly nine months was finally freed. They all paused fearfully until a pitiful wail penetrated their ears. "Oh my god," Ellie cried as joyful tears streamed down her face. "What.what is it?"  
  
Ben quickly tied up the umbilical cord and cut it with a pair of hospital scissors from the kit. He looked around for a second before he placed the squalling newborn in his jacket and wrapped it up tight. He ever so carefully handed the child to its mother before he smiled gently. "Say hello to your son, Ellie."  
  
"Oh he's so adorable," Donna gushed as she looked down at her nephew, memories of Emma and Natalie's births flashing in her mind.  
  
"Is he okay?" Ellie asked her gaze transfixed on the baby.  
  
"He seems to be," Ben surmised, cleaning up the mess around. "We need to get you both to a hospital to get you checked out but you two seem golden to me." He peeled of his gloves and stretched his arms above his head. "Does he have a name yet?"  
  
"Shawn," Ellie answered as the baby sucked on one of her fingertips. "Shawn Barrington Bartlet-Moss."  
  
"I would have assumed T.J. would have insisted on a namesake."  
  
"He tried but I said I wouldn't force Tomasso on my worst enemy," Ellie laughed as she took in her son's face. Donna and Ben smiled at the pair and when they looked up, they accidentally met each other's sight as they both thought back to another birth that they had shared together more than six years ago.  
  
An hour later, Ellie was settled into her room at Wellington General Hospital. Shawn was getting his standard testing performed and Donna was waiting with Ellie in her room. Most of the family had been called and T.J. was rushing through traffic, breaking every speeding law known to man if Donna knew her little brother.  
  
"He's so beautiful," Donna said for what felt like the hundredth time. "Who do you think he looks like? I didn't see a lot of T.J. in him."  
  
"Like my mom," Ellie said wistfully, tears welling her eyes as she thought of the late Abbey Bartlet. "That's what we were going to name him if he was girl. We agreed on Barrington for a middle name if he was boy and."  
  
"It's okay," Donna patted her hand. "I know." And she did know the pain of not having the woman who brought you into life present as you were doing the same. It was something she knew instinctively that Ellie would never get over, no matter how many children she had. "So," she tried to distract her, "what on earth were you doing at the restaurant anyways? I thought your doctor told you not to travel that much this late in the pregnancy."  
  
"Oh," Ellie hung her head sheepishly. "I was kind of doing someone a favor."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"I was doing it for Josh," she said quietly.  
  
"For Josh? What were you doing for.?" The pieces fell into place in Donna's head. "You were spying on me weren't you?" Her sister-in-law nodded slowly. "He wants to know what Ben and I discussed and he was afraid I wouldn't mention everything right?"  
  
"Pretty much," Ellie said as she looked out the window on the door of her room where she could make out Ben conferring with her doctor in the hallway. "He seems like a halfway decent guy, compared to what I heard about him."  
  
"He can be," Donna admitted. "I guess that's what made it so hard to leave him in the first place." She could see him turning away and going down the hallway. "You gonna be okay?" she asked Ellie as she got up. Ellie nodded and Donna leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek. "Congratulations. I'll call later when I get back tonight." With that, she left the room and hurried down the hallway to catch up with Ben. She saw a pair of elevator doors close ahead of her and she feared that she'd missed him but as she looked around she found him. He was standing in front of the nursery window, peering in at the little faces behind it. Gathering up her composure, Donna walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"As much as I loved you when we were together," Ben began slowly, not looking at her. "A part of me hated you too. You had this amazing family that you could go to for everything and I guess I always knew deep down that you'd never need me as much as you needed them. It made it easier in some ways to be unfaithful to you."  
  
Donna took in his admission and decided to give him back one of her own. "I thought I could change you," she replied. "That's why I stayed with you as long as I did. Maybe it was even why I chose you in the first place so I could achieve this impossible goal that no one said I could. It's also why I tried to go back after Emma was born and when I first joined the campaign." She sighed thoughtfully. "We were doomed from the start though. Everything and everyone was working against us."  
  
"It probably would have been better if we'd never done it in the first place," Ben said, still looking at the newborns in front of him. "But then if we hadn't, she never would have been born." Donna saw him smile to himself. "I remember being with you when she was born. I remember thinking that you looked so beautiful even when you were sweating and screaming like that." He paused to swallow. "I remember her. I remember looking at her and smiling when I saw her, at how perfect she looked. I also remember as soon as I saw her that I knew I couldn't keep her."  
  
"Why?" Donna asked quietly, finally voicing the question she'd asked herself for so many years. "Why didn't you want her?"  
  
"I wanted her more than I've ever wanted anything," Ben corrected. He finally turned his face to hers. "But I didn't have what you had. You had this amazing family to help you and this remarkable patience and this instinct that'd you'd be a good mother. I didn't have any of that. I couldn't be her father then."  
  
"And now?" Donna asked bracing herself for bad news.  
  
Ben looked back at the babies for an instant and than reached down for his briefcase. He pulled out a series of legal documents and handed them to Donna. "Here are the papers you wanted me to sign," he said quietly. "The adoption should go through in the next month if I understood the language in them correctly.  
  
Donna took the papers he held out to her and let out a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. "I.I still don't understand," she asked shakily. "I thought.from how you talked you sound like."  
  
"I'm engaged," he said, shocking her even more. He laughed at the face she'd made. "What, it's that impossible?"  
  
"No," Donna recovered. "That's.that's great. I'm happy for you. So did you request her to get a CAT scan before or after you proposed?"  
  
"I took her right down to radiology after she said yes," Ben joked with her. "But seriously, she's a great woman. A doctor in pediatrics and she agreed to move to L.A. with me. And we're having a baby so."  
  
Donna nodded carefully. "Does she not know about Emma?"  
  
"No I told her. I figured if this was going to be the first successful relationship of my life, I might as well try honesty for a change."  
  
"What'd you tell her?"  
  
"What I'm about to tell you," he said. "I was a selfish, irresponsible, borderline alcoholic with commitment issues and an anger problem. Now, I'm a selfish, irresponsible, recovering alcoholic with commit issues and a therapist." She rolled her eyes at him. "Seriously though, when she told me she was pregnant, I went straight for the nearest bar and camped there for the weekend. I didn't touch any booze though just thought about a lot of things. Mostly about you and Emma though since the lawyer had just called me. And I came to a conclusion about all three of us."  
  
"And that was.?"  
  
"It was easy to leave her the first time because I didn't love the two of you the way I should have if we were going to be a family," he elaborated. "And now, you've rightly moved on with her and she has a father. A father that she deserves by all accounts and I don't have a right to screw with that. So I'm going have to leave her again a second time and we'll just pretend that I don't exist for her. I'll just be this looming nightmare that finally goes away for you I guess."  
  
"Well that's fine with me for now," Donna agreed. "But what about ten years from now, when she starts asking about her birth father? And I know that she will. What do I tell her then?"  
  
Ben shrugged. "Just make her hate me so much that she won't want anything to do with me. You and your family are pretty good at that."  
  
She chose to ignore his dig. "How is that fair to her? She deserves to know where she comes from."  
  
"What do you want me to do Donna?" he asked annoyed. "You want me to change who I am and what I feel for something that might not even happen years from now? I can't change how I feel about this. Trust me, this is the easiest thing for everybody."  
  
"And by everybody, you mean yourself of course."  
  
He held up his hands in a motion of truce. "Can we not do this again? I've made up my mind and you can't change it so just don't even try." He leaned down to gather his ruined suit coat and briefcase. He bent down to kiss her lightly on the cheek. "Take care of yourself, Donna." He turned away from her and started back down the hallway.  
  
"Wait," Donna called after a minute. She caught up to him and handed him something from her purse. "Take this with you." She handed him the picture of Emma that she'd shown him in the restaurant.  
  
"Donna please."  
  
"Just take it," she insisted. "I mean, you never know."  
  
He looked down at it carefully before taking it and tucking it into his shirt pocket. They stood there together, in the middle of a busy hospital. "See you around," he said noncommittally.  
  
"Yeah," she agreed. Ben finally turned away from her and walked down the hallway and out of her life yet again, maybe for the last time. She sniffled and wiped away at the tears she didn't even now had been running down her cheeks. Ben Peterson may not have been the great love of her life but he'd been the first and to finally let go of him after more than ten years hurt.  
  
Donna walked down the same hallway, not trying to catch up with Ben but to get out of the hospital. She exited the building and hailed a cab, telling the driver to take her to the train station. She'd catch the five o'clock train to Hartford and hopefully be home in time for dinner.  
  
They arrived at the station a few minutes later and Donna paid the fare and went to go buy a ticket. To take her mind off of things while she waited for the train, she pulled her cell phone out of her bag and dialed home.  
  
"Hello?" Emma's voice answered her after a few rings.  
  
"Hi sweetie, it's Mommy," she said with a smile. "How was your day?"  
  
Donna could practically feel her daughter smiling on the other end. "It was great. I went to a speech with Daddy and then he took me for lunch in a grown-up restaurant all by myself. And there were candles and flowers and he let me eat a big piece of chocolate cake all by myself!"  
  
"Well I'm so jealous of you now I could just pull all my hair out!"  
  
"Don't do that, Mommy," Emma giggled. "Then you'd be all bald and grumpy like Toby is." Donna let out a great laugh at that and added it to the mental list of cute things her daughter said to tell everyone she knew. "What did you do today Mommy?"  
  
"Um, I had lunch with someone today too, sweetie."  
  
"With who?"  
  
"An old friend of Mommy's from a long time ago."  
  
"Do I know them?"  
  
Donna closed her eyes at Emma's innocent comment. 'More than you know, baby,' her mind answered. "No you don't know them honey," she said instead. "But guess what else happened? Aunt Ellie had her baby today. You have a cousin."  
  
"Really? I do?" Emma squealed eagerly. "Is it a boy or a girl?"  
  
"A little boy named Shawn and I promise we'll go see them real soon."  
  
"Good." Emma paused for a second. "Mommy where do babies come from?"  
  
Donna almost dropped the phone at that question and hastily searched her mind for an appropriate answer. Suddenly, an evil smile crossed her face. "Emma when Daddy comes home tonight, why don't you ask him and see what he says? Okay?" She could hear the whistle of the train approach and she got up to board it.  
  
"Okay."  
  
"That's my girl. So who's watching you right now?"  
  
"Grandma Rachel is but she had to go and mail a letter real quick. She'll be right back though. And Daddy's working with Toby and Aunt Nicole's going to take you and me and Grandma and Natty out for dinner tonight."  
  
"Well that sounds like a lot of fun."  
  
"Good. When are you coming home?"  
  
"I'm on my way home right now. In fact I need to get off the phone soon so I can get onto the train."  
  
"Extra good. I love you Mommy."  
  
"I love you too, baby." She swallowed back a few tears. "I'm giving you and your sister imaginary kisses right now. Can you feel them?"  
  
"Yep. They're all on my nose and neck and my forehead." Donna listened with a smile as she stepped onboard the train and settled into her seat.  
  
"That's right, you are so smart Emma. Can you do Mommy a favor? Can you give Natalie lots of real kisses for me?"  
  
"Yep, she's right here with me and Lulu." Emma pulled the phone away and Donna could hear the smacking sounds Emma made when she kissed someone and Natalie's giggles in the background. "We'll see you really real soon."  
  
"You bet you will." The connection on the phone started to weaken. "I have to go now. I love you Emma."  
  
"I love you too Mommy. Bye-bye."  
  
"Bye-bye." Donna snapped her phone shut and leaned back in her seat, gazing out at the spring landscape of Baltimore as she headed home, her daughter's future with her and Josh finally secure. 


	6. Chapter 6

Clearwater, Florida: August 2, 2004  
  
The sun streamed through the bright bay window of the spacious beach house and onto the pair on entwined bodies that lay on the bed. Josh opened his eyes slowly and quickly shut them as the harsh light invaded his senses. Instead of waking up, he nestled his sated body even closer into that of his wife's. He began trailing a series of gentle kisses down her long neck, trying to rouse her from her peaceful slumber. After a few minutes, she shifted her shoulders slightly as she re-entered reality, trying to dissuade her husband's advances but the smile on her face that Josh saw when he peered over to look at her betrayed her actions.  
  
"Don't you play possum with me," he whispered playfully into Donna's ear. He proceeded to slide his hands down her body until he reached her ribcage, which he started to tickle without mercy until Donna was squealing with laughter.  
  
"All right, all right! Uncle!" she cried wiggling around on the bed until Josh let up. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a good morning kiss. They lingered on like that for awhile, mouths moving and hands exploring each other until they were finally able to pull apart from one another, lounging in each other's arms for a few more glorious minutes.  
  
"Do you hear that?" Donna asked him as they spooned together.  
  
Josh crinkled his eyebrows in concentration. "Hear what?"  
  
"Exactly," Donna said as she pulled the covers back and got out of bed to search for her robe. "It's much too quiet in here."  
  
"Beg pardon?" Josh asked, finding it hard to focus on his wife's train of thought when he was so focused on her backside.  
  
"I said," Donna replied as she pulled on her robe, "that it's much too quiet in this house considering that our daughters our living here for the time being. Even for," she glanced at the clock, "7:30 in the morning. I'll go see if they're up yet."  
  
"Or," Josh said, pulling her back down onto the bed as she walked by him, "you could get your ass back in this bed and have your way with me again."  
  
"Well," his wife giggled as he reached for the fastenings of her robe, "Florida does seem to be agreeing with you, my love."  
  
After six straight weeks of campaigning all over the state and making a series of national television appearances and speaking engagements, Donna had put her foot down and ordered that her husband take a long overdue vacation. Her mother-in-law had invited the family down to Florida for two weeks to the beach house that she'd rented from a colleague. So Josh, Donna, the girls, and at the last minute, Gus, were on Day Six of their Florida excursion and Donna had already proclaimed that they were never leaving.  
  
"You wanna take a wild guess as to what else is agreeing with me right now?" Josh smirked as ran his tongue light along her collarbone.  
  
"Okay now mister. That's enough of that," Donna snickered as she smacked his wandering hands away before she couldn't. She got up from the bed and readjusted her robe. "Get up and enjoy the day."  
  
"Well I'm already up," he leered as he made one more attempt at preoccupying her by pulling her back down against him again and thrusting his hips up against her. He smiled victoriously at her moan of happiness "And I think you know how to start my day off right."  
  
"No, there's no time," Donna groaned pitifully as his lips moved from her collarbone to her breasts. "The girls will be awake any minute. We can't do this now in bed."  
  
"Don't worry, this won't take much longer than five minutes," he mumbled into her cleavage.  
  
That broke her out of her sexual haze. She forcefully lifted his head from her chest and looked him right in the eye. "You know, just when I start to feel guilty for thinking what a moron you are," she said cheerfully, "you go and do things like this for me and it just.warms my heart." She pecked him on the cheek and climbed off him and headed into their bathroom.  
  
He hung his head low as he willed his body to calm down. "I blew it?" he unnecessarily asked.  
  
"If you're wondering, it was right around 'much longer'!" she called out from the bathroom.  
  
"Yep," Josh sighed to himself as he fell back against the bed. Just as he was starting to gain a handle over his body, he heard the bathroom door open and he looked up to find his wife leaning against the door, draped in a white towel. She was giving him what he was certain was Donna's "come hither" look and he furrowed his brow in bewilderment. "I'm confused," Josh finally breathed out.  
  
"Well I clearly said," Donna replied in her best lawyerly voice, "that we couldn't do this now in bed," emphasizing the word bed. "I never said anything about the shower." She gave him a wink and walked back into the bathroom, making sure to drop the towel behind her. Josh didn't need to be told twice.  
  
Later, after a passionate round of lovemaking, as Donna was getting out the shower as Josh was struck with a heady thought. "Wait a minute," he suddenly said, grabbing her hand as her leg crossed over the lip of the tub.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You've been sick the past few days."  
  
"Yeah," she confirmed slowly, not sure where this was going.  
  
"I mean, you've been like throwing up sick," Josh clarified, raising his voice over the rush of water.  
  
"Josh what are you.?"  
  
"What I mean is," he tried again, "you've been throwing up your pill for the past few days." Understanding finally dawned on Donna's face as she realized he was right. She'd battled a nasty case of Montezuma's Revenge for the past three days and had finally started feeling human again last night, leading to said passionate shower sex. "Weren't we supposed to, I don't know, call in the reinforcements or something?"  
  
"Wow, your stupidity reaches new lows twice in one day," Donna drawled. "Surprisingly though, not a new record."  
  
"Donna, seriously."  
  
"Seriously I don't know." She shrugged her shoulders. "I guess we have to wait and see." She paused as another thought entered her head. "Would it be a bad thing if.?"  
  
"No, no," Josh shook his emphatically. "I was just wondering."  
  
"Okay." She reached back in and pulled him down for a sweet kiss. "I'm going to go start breakfast," she whispered against his lips.  
  
"Good," he kissed her back. "Because I really just worked up an appetite." She smacked him playfully on the chest and got out, closing the bathroom door on her way out. She combed out her hair and threw on a bathing suit, tank top, and shorts before leaving the bedroom to go see who was awake.  
  
She peered into Gus's room and found him sprawled across the bed with the blankets scattered around him. They'd invited him as a thank-you for all the help he'd offered them through the campaign and to congratulate him for finishing top in his class from UC Hartford. She tiptoed in and adjusted the blankets across his waist, being mindful not to wake him and feeling like a mother hen. He was such a great kid, it was a shame that she, Josh, and the girls were the closest thing to a family he had. His mother had died when he was just four and his father was busy with his new wife and three other children in Oregon to pay much attention to Gus. It was why he was paying for school and working full-time for the campaign. Donna had almost cried when she heard his story but Gus was always very matter-of- fact about it when he explained it. He didn't begrudge his father or his other family anything, at least not around anyone else. It was one of the reasons why Donna was so protective of him. She'd latched onto him as her pet project immediately; her opportunity to give back to someone what she'd been given seven years ago. But he became more than that for Donna; he became a friend, almost like a second little brother to her. To Josh he was a steadying force in the hell that was campaigning and to Emma and Natalie, he was simply a human jungle gym. He may have just started out as a waiter that Josh offered a few words of advice to but along the way he became something more; Gus Whittaker had become family.  
  
She exited his room, shutting the door softly behind her and continuing down the hallway until she got to the room the girls were sharing. Emma was still sound asleep but Natalie was wide-awake and bouncing up and down on her bottom when she saw her mother enter.  
  
"Hi baby girl," Donna cooed quietly as she went over to the crib to pick her up. She changed the eleven month-old quickly, putting her in a little ruffled one-piece bathing suit, took Natalie out of the room and went into the kitchen. A note from Josh's mother, Rachel, told her that the older woman had gone out for an early morning jog and would be back later. Donna settled Natalie onto the floor on a blanket with some toy to occupy her while Donna proceeded to get breakfast started. She had scrambled some eggs and put some toast on before she heard the sound of faucets being turned on and water running. She assumed everyone was getting ready for the day so she started to set breakfast out. When she was done, she turned back around to check on the baby and gasped in surprise at what she saw.  
  
Natalie had somehow managed to pull herself upright and was unsteadily beginning to toddle forward without holding onto to anything, her blue eyes shining in delight as first one tiny foot moved forward and then the other. Donna cautiously walked toward her as she began to inch ahead, holding out her arms for the baby with a grin on her face a mile wide. After approximately four and a half wobbly steps, Natalie landed in her gleeful mother's arms.  
  
"Oh my big girl! I can't believe you just did that!" Donna exclaimed happily, kissing the baby all over face while she laughed. "You are so amazing! Mommy is so proud of you!" Donna was so enthralled with the child that she didn't hear the sliding glass door open.  
  
"Why is Mommy so proud, pray tell?" Rachel Lyman asked as she breezed into the kitchen.  
  
Donna came over and wrapped her in a big hug, she was that excited. "Guess who took her first steps today?"  
  
Rachel clapped her hands together and let out a little squeal. "Oh my precious! Give your grandma a kiss." She leaned over and Natalie pressed her hands against her grandmother's cheeks and gave her a big, wet kiss. They didn't realize the commotion they were causing until they heard footsteps running down the hallway towards them.  
  
"What is it? What happened?" Josh asked hurriedly ran into the kitchen, clad only in a tee shirt and boxers half of his face shaven they other half still covered in white cream. Gus came up behind him, his hair slick as if he'd just gotten out of the shower and still pulling on his tee shirt while Emma stuck her head in between the two men, her toothbrush still in her mouth.  
  
Donna glanced at Rachel who nodded at her. Donna set Natalie down on the floor, feet first. The baby managed to remain upright while Donna held onto her hands. She began to walk forward again, still pretty wobbly, but when she was close enough to the group Donna let her go and Natalie walked the remaining steps to her overjoyed daddy's arms. He lifted her up over his head and carefully tossed her up, forgetting about the shaving cream, which subsequently got all over the baby. Gus made funny faces at her from his vantage point and Emma jumped up and down, wanting more than anything to hug her baby sister. Donna sensed Emma's distress and lifted her up so she could kiss Natalie's shaving cream covered cheek. Gus started patting Josh's back in congratulations and in the midst of their celebrating, no one saw Rachel sneak away to grab her camera and get a quick photo of the group.  
  
Later on that day, Donna took Emma down the beach to look for seashells while Gus and Rachel went into town to pick up some food for dinner that night. Josh was left alone with Natalie in the spacious beach house with nothing to do. No new polling data to look at, no speeches to practice, no phone calls to return. It was a different feeling than what he was used to but not entirely unpleasant. Natalie was dozing in her playpen on the deck and Josh was contemplating his next move he wandered out to the sand and soaked in the mid-afternoon sun and fresh seas breeze. For August, it was surprisingly cool in Florida, meaning it was only 82 degrees as opposed to the standard 85.  
  
When he was about to go back up to the house, he spotted someone else approaching the house in the distance. Josh waited on the deck to see who would matriculate. The beach house was one of the nicer ones in the area and while Clearwater was considered a vacation spot for most middle-class families around the state, the beach they were staying on was a private one. As the figure got closer and closer to him, he was surprised to see that the person was starting to look familiar to him. He walked down the pathway to get a better look at the individual and was shocked to see none other than Bobby Harrington come face to face with him.  
  
Bobby Harrington was an African-American activist who led an organization called the African-American Freedom Organization. His path had crossed Josh's about two years ago during the re-election campaign. Bobby and his wife, Helen, also a prominent figure in the African-American community, were about to push for legislation regarding juvenile drug sentencing. Because it would have sparked national debate and caused problems for the former president, Josh had been sent down to dissuade him. Much to his surprise, Bobby had persuaded him onto his side but still, the issue never made it to national attention. Josh, though, had found himself contemplating his life after he met this great and passionate man, so much so that it was after meeting Bobby he'd started making plans for his Senate run. The two hadn't spoken since their initial meeting but that was about to change.  
  
"Well my, my, my," Bobby grinned as he reached him. "Look at what I stumbled upon, a real-life Senatorial candidate in the flesh."  
  
"How you been, Bobby?" Josh asked, reaching out to shake his hand. The other man grasped it and gave it a firm shake.  
  
"Been better," Bobby responded with cryptically. "What about you, Josh, or should I say Senator-elect Lyman?"  
  
Josh scoffed and led him back onto the deck. "Save it for November," he advised. "You want a beer?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Josh went inside and returned with two cold beers a minute later. "So sit down. What are you doing here?"  
  
"Enjoying the fresh Florida sunshine and orange juice. How 'bout you?"  
  
"Vacationing with my mom and my family."  
  
Bobby took a sip of beer before answering. "Donna right? That's you're wife or fiancé.?"  
  
"Wife," Josh said, holding up his left hand and wiggling his ring finger. "She's down the beach further, looking for seashells with our older daughter."  
  
"Older?" Bobby asked, raising his eyebrows slightly. "You had another one?"  
  
"Hmm-mm. Natalie," he gestured over to the playpen near them. "She's eleven months. She actually took her first steps today." Josh grinned at his fellow father but Bobby just stared at the sleeping child, an unreadable look on his face. "So, uh, what about you? How's your family?"  
  
"F.fine," Bobby whispered softly, taking another long swig of beer. "Mike's in college and Freddie's getting ready for second grade."  
  
"What about your daughter, uh, Sondra? How's.how's she?" Bobby didn't say anything right away, just looked down and started picking at his nails. "Bobby is everything.?"  
  
"Sondra died a year and a half ago," Bobby said suddenly, not even looking at him. Josh said nothing, just sat there in stunned silence. Bobby finished his beer and got up from the table, going to sit down on the deck steps. After a minute Josh checked on Natalie and joined him. He awkwardly put a hand on his shoulder and rubbed it. They sat like that for a little bit before Bobby continued.  
  
"She was on her way home from school," he explained, his eyes glazing over as he thought back to those bitterly painful days, "and when she didn't come home right after, we figured she just went to a friend's or stayed after or some shit like that. It wasn't until, um, this girl Rochelle called and said that she'd missed a tutoring session that we started to worry. She.she never would have missed out on trying to help someone. We called around to the neighbors and relatives and friends but no one had seen her and finally my wife, Helen, called the cops. I knew some guys down at the precinct and they got right on it. We were up all night pacing and praying until the next morning." He paused as the tears started welling up behind his eyes and Josh's heart went out to him. "They had her sweater with them and our reverend was behind them. Helen just collapsed onto the sofa; they ended up having to sedate her. I just.just lost it. I started hollering and yelling; I even took a swing at them. Got in a good right hook before they nailed my ass to the floor" He laughed ruefully as he remembered then he started again. "She'd.she'd seen this homeless man across the street and she'd gone to give him some spare change like I'd taught her to growing up. The guy just wasn't stable and he pulled a knife and." the tears finally spilled over and his body began wracking with sobs. Josh leaned over and slowly put an arm around his shoulder to pull the man to him. Bobby went without resistance and they stayed like that for a few moments while Bobby purged his body of grief yet again. Finally, after a few gut-wrenching moments, Bobby pulled away and started to collect himself. Josh's hand remained on his shoulder, squeezing it for support. He thought back to the one time he'd met the late Sondra Harrington. She was young, only about thirteen, and youthful and intelligent and just genuinely good person. It was a tragedy, even Josh could see that.  
  
"I'm so sorry," Josh whispered feeling inadequate. "I don't.don't know what to say."  
  
"Most people generally don't," Bobby assured him, wiping at a few stray tears.  
  
"I can't believe I didn't know. I mean I keep up with the news but."  
  
"She was a black girl who got killed in Atlanta, one of only a dozen or so that month alone. Nothing worth reporting," he replied stoically. "Anyways, things finally started to settle down recently so we rented a place up here with Freddie."  
  
"How's he doing with all this?" Josh asked, thinking about the little boy who was his own daughter's age.  
  
Bobby shrugged. "He seems okay. It was hard at first but kids.kids are resilient if nothing else. He's better than we are most days. Helen and I took him to a therapist right after but she and I are the ones still in therapy." Just then, Natalie woke up and started whimpering for her father's attention. He went up to get her and cautiously brought her over.  
  
"I'm the only one home so." he tried to explain.  
  
"It's okay," Bobby said, reaching over and lightly ruffling the girl's downy brown curls. "I'm finally starting to feel human again."  
  
The pieces started to fall into place. "That's why you resigned," Josh concluded, thinking back to the little blurb in The Post he'd see awhile back. It said that Senior Director for the A.A.F.O. was resigning due to "personal reasons" and was also considering a run for public office.  
  
Bobby nodded. "Partly. Another part of me just couldn't stand the thought of speaking for the majority of homeless and felons after what happened in the beginning."  
  
"And now?"  
  
Bobby gave him a tiny half smile. "Well we're running for Congress."  
  
"Really? What seat?"  
  
"Atlanta so I'm going against."  
  
"Lesley, you'll win in a walk," Josh predicted with a grin.  
  
"I'm not counting my chickens before they've hatched, man, don't go jinxing me now," the other man warned playfully. He leaned back against the steps and stared up at the bright sky. Josh made some faces for Natalie, getting the baby to quietly giggle. "So what about you? You seemed more the wheeling and dealing type when I met you. What happened between then and now? Was it the President's.?"  
  
"No it wasn't the resignation although it helped put a timetable on things."  
  
"So why are you running? I'm sure you got loads of offers for teaching and lecturing and all that crap."  
  
"Yeah I did," Josh told him, handing him the baby and going to get them both another beer. Tonight would be an exception to his sensitive system. "And I've got a gig I'm gonna do later but I need to do this first."  
  
"What gig is that?" Bobby asked, handing him back his daughter then opening up and taking a sip from the fresh beer.  
  
"President of the United States." Bobby momentarily choked on his beverage before finally swallowing. "So you see why being a Senator helps."  
  
"Yeah," he said a little astonished. He quickly did the math in his head. "So.2020?"  
  
"We're going to try for 2016," Josh corrected. "That way we'd still be able to run on the youthful, energetic approach. Wouldn't we Natalie?" he asked the baby who played a game of peek-a-boo with her father, much to the men's amusement.  
  
"Um.Wow."  
  
Josh glared at him. "It's really that surprising that people would actually elect me president?"  
  
"No I just figured you'd never want to be a president. From what I saw anyways."  
  
"Well I didn't want to be president until I met you! So this is really all your fault you know."  
  
"Really?" Bobby looked a little pleased. "Well then now it makes sense. So twenty years from now when we as a country are on the brink of war, have pulled out of NATO, are in a massive recession, and have Republicans controlling Congress I guess I'll have no one to blame but myself."  
  
"That's right!" He paused and furrowed his brow. "Wait a minute!"  
  
"Hey you!" Josh looked up to see his wife and other daughter coming back up to the house, their arms loaded with pails and shovels. Emma broke away from Donna to run up to him.  
  
"Hi Daddy," she said as she wrapped herself around him and the baby, covering them both in sand and other beach gunk.  
  
"Hey sweetheart," he replied, squeezing her closer to him and rocking with her. He glanced over her shoulder and saw Bobby looking at the three of them longingly; his eyes blank as if he was revisiting a memory somewhere. "Emma I want you to meet somebody." He pulled her in between his legs and turned her to face Bobby. "This is Bobby Harrington, he's a friend of mine. Can you say hello?"  
  
"Hello Mr. Harrington," Emma said politely, sticking out her hand.  
  
"Hi Emma," he answered softly, taking the little hand into his own and squeezing gently. "It's very nice to meet you. Your daddy.your daddy talked about you a lot the last time we spoke."  
  
"Hey Josh," Donna said coming up to them. She leaned down and placed a kiss on her husband's lips. Natalie babbled a few nonsense words to them and then reached for her mother. Donna picked her up and turned to the mystery guest sitting next to her husband. "Hi, I'm Donna Lyman."  
  
"Bobby Harrington, it's a pleasure," he said, rising up to greet her.  
  
"Oh," she scoffed good-naturedly and nudged Josh with her foot. "So I guess this is all your fault huh?"  
  
He held up his hands in mock defense. "I plead the fifth on that one."  
  
"Uh-huh," she said gathering up their things and heading inside. "Well maybe you'd like to be cross examined over a fresh barbeque tonight. Would you like to join us?"  
  
"Um, sure," he said. "Do you mind if my wife and son join us?"  
  
"Ick! Boys are yucky!" Emma exclaimed scrunching up her nose.  
  
Josh hugged her tight to him. "That's my girl," he said as he hoisted her up over his shoulder and the family proceeded inside with their newest of lifelong friends. 


	7. Chapter 7

Langley House: September 23, 2004  
  
"Happy Birthday to you," a group of people sang to a confused, yet obviously happy, little girl on a bright sunny day in September, blanketed under the protective shade of some maple trees.  
  
"Happy Birthday to you." Her various aunts and uncles, some blood related and others having the title bestowed upon them, alternately made silly faces to her and snapped quick pictures.  
  
"Happy Birthday dear Natalie Philomena Lyman." Her grandmothers stood with the younger people, thinking back to all the generations of birthday parties they'd attended over the years.  
  
"Happy Birthday to you." Her proud parents beamed down at her while holding each other's hands, reminiscing about what it took for them to get this beautiful child, to get to this moment.  
  
"And many more!" Her older sister added not to be outdone, stretching the words out as long as she could.  
  
"Amen to that," Uncle T.J. agreed, ruffling his older niece's head while bouncing his five month-old son, Shawn, on his knee and taking his officially of one year today wife's hand. The group nodded their consensus and turned their attention back to the guest of honor.  
  
"Okay, sweetie, let's blow out the candle," her father whispered into her ear, pointing her towards the large, square cake on the picnic table adorned with pink and yellow frosted flowers and a giant donkey which had been her father's doing. He'd just received some polling numbers a few days before that showed him holding an almost twelve point lead over his sluggish incumbent challenger. It looked like the Lyman's were headed back to DC come November and everyone on the campaign was doing everything possible to ensure victory. More speeches, national television and radio appearances; there were even two photographers on hand at the party to take some pictures for the local papers.  
  
Natalie shook her head vigorously, her brown curls shaking wildly. "No!" she replied, a bright smile on her face and her blue eyes radiant with joy. Her first words had been just days ago and while the first one out of her mouth had been 'Ma', her most frequent was definitely 'No'. She didn't even really know what it meant; she just seemed to like saying it, a habit her parents could only pray she'd grow out of.  
  
Donna rolled her eyes and let out a little groan. "Please baby?" she asked, kneeling down beside her highchair. "Please? Be a big, big girl and blow out the candle for Mommy." She leaned in close and gently nipped Natalie's nose, an action that always sent her into hysterics.  
  
She got the desired result as peals of the baby's laughter erupted from within her. When she calmed a little, though, her answer remained the same. "No!"  
  
Emma came up beside her sister, next to the cake, and took one of the baby's chubby little hands in her own. "Come on, Natty, let's blow out the candle." Still getting nothing from her little sister and wanting to get some cake, Emma tried a different tactic. "Do you want me to help you, Natty? Do you want Emmy to help you?"  
  
"Emmy!" the baby squealed happily, reaching out for her big sister and grabbing on to one of her long, blonde ponytails. She may have only been a one year-old but already she'd do anything her older sister asked of her and vice-versa.  
  
"Okay," Emma agreed as she untangled herself from Natalie's grasp, pretending it was a big hardship though everyone knew that she'd walk across fire for her sister. She kneeled on the bench next to Natalie's highchair and leaned over to the cake. "Ready? One, two, three!" Emma sucked in a big breath and blew out the one candle with a force that rated at least a dozen or so candles. The group let out a great little cheer and Donna proceeded to get her cake cutting operation underway.  
  
The adults began to converse about the various topics in their lives, ranging from parenthood to politics to pruning roses in their gardens. The adults got so engrossed in a discussing the merits of home ownership that they didn't notice what was transpiring near the cake until it was too late.  
  
"Oh my God!" Nicole cried, bursting out in laughter as she spied her two nieces at the head of the table. Everyone else turned to look and mixed amusement with groans.  
  
The two girls, but most likely the older one, had decided they didn't want to wait anymore for cake and had plunged into it. Unfortunately, they forgot that people usually used utensils for that sort of thing. Their hands and faces were covered with chocolate frosting and what was once the birthday cake lay before them in shambles.  
  
"Emma Antonia!" Donna cried as she rushed to separate the ruined desert from her daughters. She proceeded to try to wipe them as clean as she could while the other adults either tried to help her or went back to their conversations. "You know better than that young lady. This is not how big girls going into the third grade a whole year early behave now is it?"  
  
She hung her head down forlornly and jutted out her bottom lip. "I'm sorry, Mommy," she apologized contritely.  
  
"S'arry," Natalie tried to copy, her little tongue twisting around the word.  
  
Josh came up behind his slightly frazzled wife and put his arms around her. "Oh come on, cut them some slack" he comforted her, resting his head on her shoulder. "There are only so many times in a person's life when it's acceptable for them to dive head first out of a birthday cake like these two have so eloquently demonstrated."  
  
"Unless they become strippers, then they'll be doing that a lot," Gus threw out offhandedly. Everyone shot him a look that could melt metal and he got the message loud and clear. "Yeah, so I'll just bring Natalie inside and get her cleaned up," he said hurriedly. He unstrapped the child and lifted her to him. "Come on Birthday Girl, let's get inside before your daddy takes a hit out on me!"  
  
"Us!" Natalie yelped, raising her chocolate covered hands and smearing them all over Gus's face.  
  
Toby laughed gleefully next to him as Gus approached the house with the baby. "Serves you right, Junior." He wasn't laughing though when Gus deliberately walked up behind him, giving Natalie a very clear shot when she flung a glob of cake goop on top of his head.  
  
"Serves you right, Gramps," Gus replied as he brought the baby inside to get cleaned up and the party continued on as normal.  
  
Later that day, after the photographers and most of the guests had gone, the house was left with far fewer occupants. CJ and Rachel both headed to the airport, back to California and Florida respectively. Toby and Nicole returned to their newly purchased DC condominium for a long weekend. T.J., Ellie, and little Shawn ventured further north to visit with newlyweds, Charlie and Zoey Bartlet-Young in New York and Leo had been unable to attend, though he sent what seemed like a truckload of presents for both the Lyman girls. Numerous other friends, co-workers, and acquaintances sent their well-wishes also and by the end of the day, only Josh, Donna, their children, Gus, Donna's grandmother Mena, and Josiah Bartlet remained. Emma was starting to come down with a flu bug and had been retired early while Gus was also upstairs studying for his new classes. After dinner, the remaining group spilt along gender lines with Josh and the former President enjoyed a drink in Josh's study while Donna and her grandmother decide to take a casual stroll through the grounds with the baby.  
  
The two women walked arm in arm quietly while Natalie toddled ahead of them, stopping every few seconds to examine a rock or a scrap of dirt.  
  
"She's such an angel," Mena gushed quietly to her granddaughter. "Reminds me a bit of your mother when she was that age."  
  
Donna sighed wistfully as she gazed at her daughter. "I miss her so much some times. I look at the girls and Josh and I wonder what she would have thought of my life. You know, would she have approved of everything?"  
  
"Bella, as long as you were safe and happy, she wouldn't have cared if you became common trailer trash with a loser husband and twelve children," the older woman assured her. She looked closely at her granddaughter's face and saw a trace of sadness flicker through her eyes. "What's wrong?"  
  
"It's nothing." Donna tried to shake her off.  
  
"Donnatella Igraine, tell me what's wrong right now," Mena commanded gently. She went to retrieve the baby and brought both of them over to the deck, where she sat them all down on the porch swing. She placed the baby in her lap and took Donna's hand in her own. "What happened?" she asked again after Donna still wouldn't answer her.  
  
Donna looked at Natalie as she played with Mena's necklace and smiled sadly. "I thought I was pregnant again," she finally admitted.  
  
"Ah," Mena replied as understanding dawned on her. "And you're not, just."  
  
"Incredibly late, yes," she finished. "I was going to go to my OB yesterday for a blood test but that morning I started my period." She chuckled humorlessly for a minute. "I should be happy about this, you know. The timing would have been horrible. I mean we'd be setting up a house, getting Josh situated in the Senate, Emma would be in a new school and Natalie wouldn't even be two yet. It's like, my brain is overjoyed about this; it just can't seem to convince my heart of the same thing."  
  
"There is a distinct reason why God made your heart and your head to separate entities," Mena consoled her as she wrapped a free arm around her shoulder.  
  
"And that distinct reason is?"  
  
She shrugged her shoulders casually. "I don't know, I'm just saying." Donna let out a great laugh at that statement, comforted to know her grandmother's sense of humor hadn't diminished with age. "What did your husband think of all this?"  
  
"He was disappointed," Donna said, "but he's a man. It's different with them than it is for us." She paused for a minute before she asked something she'd wondered for years. "How come you and Grampa didn't have kids of your own? Did he not want.?"  
  
"No we always wanted more children. We just didn't have them because we couldn't," Mena told her frankly. "I had a C-Section with your mother and there were complications that back then they couldn't fix. But your mother was enough for us. Your grandfather adored her as if she were his, much like Josh is with Emma. You'd never guess that he wasn't biologically her father." She laughed quietly to herself. "I can't wait to see him when your girls make the boys come running to your doorstep. If he's anything like your grandfather was, Emma and Natalie have a lot of problems ahead of them. Just make sure they know early on how to weed out the bad ones and not make the mistakes the rest of the women in this family seem to always make in the beginning."  
  
Donna pulled back and looked at Mena carefully. "You never liked my dad, did you?" she confronted her softly, not angry but simply stating unspoken facts. "You never wanted him and Mom together. You always said the most terrible things about him to her when you thought we weren't listening."  
  
"You heard?" Mena asked, feeling guilty as she remembered all the times she and Donna's mother, Toni, had lamented over Donna's father when they thought the children weren't around.  
  
Donna nodded. "I don't hate you for thinking that about him though," she was quick to correct. "I mean I understand why you thought that about him. If the situation were reversed I'd probably say the same things. But still.he was my father."  
  
"Yes he was," Mena agreed. "Have you heard from him at all lately?" Donna pursed her lips and shook her head. Mena let the silence linger before continuing, knowing she was treading on dangerous ground. Evan Moss was not a subject of wide discussion anymore among any of her grandchildren. "It is worth mentioning that he loved you kids and your mother very much. He was a good man before the drugs, I promise you that."  
  
Donna got up and started pacing in front of the swing while Mena looked on. "Maybe, but he hurt us so much Mena. Starting with Mom, when he made her marry him. She'd be the first to tell you that." She started to giggle lightly as she began releasing years of pent up emotions through her ranting. "I'll tell you, he has haunted us for so many years. Like a virus we just can't get out of our systems. I mean, why do you think T.J. was such a little stoner in high school or why Nicole has run away from nearly every relationship she has ever had in her entire life? Why do you think I had.?" she stopped and rubbed her forehead, tears forming in her eyes.  
  
"Why what?" The younger woman didn't answer, just went to her grandmother and picked up the now quiet child. She held her to her shoulder and stroked her back lightly. "Donna."  
  
"Why I had an abortion when I was with Ben," Donna admitted, shame etching every word she spoke. Mena looked at her grandchild with a mixture of shock and sympathy before she went up to stand beside her. "We'd just started dating and." she paused to sniff, "he said he'd leave me and the baby all alone. I just didn't know if I could do it then. And I knew you'd just go on and on about what a miserable excuse for a man Ben was so." She closed her eyes as the memories washed over her. "He didn't even go with me; I had to take a taxi there and back by myself and I sobbed the whole way both times. They didn't even want to take me at the place because I was so upset but finally.they did and when I went home, I was so mad at him I didn't even know how I angry was. I think I was just so determined to keep him happy, like Mom did with Daddy, that I didn't see what I was doing to myself. Thank god I had Emma, otherwise I might still be that."  
  
"You're not, my sweet Bella," her grandmother tried to comfort her as she wrapped her arms around Donna's shoulders and rested her head against her. "You will never be that poor lost soul again, I promise you."  
  
"I used to think that God was punishing me," Donna said quietly as she rested her head against Mena's shoulder, referring to her grandmother's Catholicism, which Donna and her mother had practiced while her brother and sister preferred the Methodist faith that their father had left them with. "From what all the nuns and priests used to say about abortion being a sin, I thought God hated me for so long."  
  
"He does not hate you," Mena assured her fervently.  
  
Donna lightly pulled out of the embrace with the baby. "I know that now, but back then." She smiled down sadly at the peaceful child, who was falling asleep against her. "It was nine years ago today," she whispered, almost to herself. "That I.did it. That's why I'm so all over the place today I guess." She sighed as Natalie's eyes began to close and she started sucking her thumb. "He'd be about eight by now."  
  
Mena scrunched up her forehead. "You knew that.?"  
  
"No, no it was in the first trimester. They couldn't tell," Donna rushed to tell her. "I just always thought it was a boy. It felt. different from when I was pregnant with the girls so I just assumed, you know." She shrugged as she pictured in her mind's eye what her little boy would look like today.  
  
"Did you ever tell Josh this?" Donna shook her head. "Donna, you should."  
  
"What's in the past is in the past," she interrupted quietly. "I'm okay about it now. It just gets to me every now and then. It doesn't have bearing on my health or I would, I swear." She turned away from her second mother. "Can we not talk about this anymore?"  
  
"Of course." She went back to sit on the swing and after a minute, Donna joined her, careful not to wake Natalie. "I have a confession for you. About you father."  
  
"Mena, please don't." Donna tried to stop her.  
  
"Your grandfather and I were the ones that made your mother marry him, not the other way around," Mena said quickly. She didn't let Donna say anything, just plowed ahead. "It would have caused a huge scandal in those days, unwed and pregnant at her age. And, I'll admit, people wouldn't have looked too fondly at myself either. So before Evan was shipped off, they had a quick little ceremony at the courthouse. Toni wouldn't speak to me for months afterwards until your sister was born. She hated being married to your father; she said it was like being trapped in an ice-cold cage she couldn't break out of. He was just a simple fling that she got stuck with. But Evan." she clucked her tongue in thought, "Evan did love her and you three very, very much. He tried to make it work with her but with her attitude and the war and the drugs and me.it was too much to ask of anyone. When you were all old enough, Toni thought it was right to make you think that he abandoned you but he didn't. As much I loved my daughter and as good as she was, she was intractable on her hatred toward your father. But he did the best thing for everyone involved. I didn't understand him then but I think I do now and maybe someday you and your siblings will as well." She cleared her throat before looking over at Donna's shell-shocked expression. "Are you alright?"  
  
"I'm just." she closed her eyes as more silent tears ran down her cheeks, "trying to figure out how much you owe me for all those years and hours I wasted on therapy." The two women laughed together and sat like that for a while longer before Donna spoke again. "Josh and I, we both want more kids," Donna said as she bent down to kiss Natalie's forehead.  
  
"And you'll get them," Mena promised her, patting her knee. "All the children that are supposed to be yours will come to you in their own time."  
  
"Yeah," Donna agreed with her, getting up with a still sleeping Natalie in her arms. "I think I need to get this little one to bed though. Wanna help?"  
  
"Don't I always?" Mena got up and followed her into the house. They passed by the doorway of the study were Josh and the former president were still conversing. Donna was going to pop in so Josh could say goodnight to his daughter but catching a glimpse of the serious expression on his face, she decided quickly to leave him to what seemed to be another emotional discussion. And she was right.  
  
Josh didn't notice his wife and her grandmother pass by; he was too focused on what he'd just heard. "Sam's really gonna run?" he asked unnecessarily, taking another sip of scotch.  
  
"Yeah," Jed confirmed. "I actually talked to him myself for the first time in nearly a year the other day and he's.better than he was when we left. More reasonable, more forgiving to most of us."  
  
Josh quirked his eyebrows upward. "Not about me though, of course."  
  
Jed looked at him long and hard before continuing. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought this up. We were having a good talk about the 1986 World Series."  
  
"Which your Red Soxs blew while my Mets drank from the keg of glory," Josh pointed out gleefully.  
  
"Which you missed because you were studying for finals while I was already a distinguished Congressmen from the great state of New Hampshire with box seats," Jed ribbed him. They shared a quick chuckle before the older man turned serious again. "I really am sorry though."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Oh come on," Jed said, getting up to refill his glass. "We both know why he was so pissed at you. It was all my fault"  
  
"No it wasn't sir," Josh corrected, going over to him and falling back into formality with him for an instant. "He wasn't angry that you were resigning; he was angry because I wasn't gonna be there to help him in California."  
  
"He was a little angry at you for that it's true, but we both know Sam. With the right people, he could be elected to anything if he wanted, he didn't need you to hold his hand. The part about you running for Senate wasn't my fault."  
  
"Well than why do you think it was your fault he hates me?"  
  
Jed glanced at the antique chessboard he'd given Josh as a birthday gift that year. "Because I taught him to see the whole board," he replied as he went to sit back down in one of the heavy armchairs.  
  
"I'm sorry?" Josh asked as he went back to his seat across from one of his mentors.  
  
"Do you remember the night of our last New Hampshire primary?"  
  
"Yeah," the younger man said with a smile. "I had Donna outside in Layfette Park, haranguing unsuspecting voters in Hartsfield's Landing in 17 degree weather."  
  
"Yep, that one. Anyways, I'd just gotten back from India and I had all these old chessboards that I was giving away to people. I gave one to Sam and."  
  
"How come I didn't get one?" Josh thought out loud.  
  
Jed rolled his eyes at him. "Can we focus on one thing at time please?" he asked, slightly annoyed. "As I was saying, I gave one to Sam and during the night, I was playing a game of chess with him. It was also the night that we were negotiating with China over free elections in Taiwan and the Patriot missiles. He and I were discussing it during our match and I was constantly telling him to see the whole board; see all the facts and put them together to get a clear picture of what's going on. He was able to then and he was able to that day in your office when you told him you were running."  
  
"What is it you think he saw?" Josh asked him, his curiosity peaked.  
  
"That I was wrong," Jed explained. He gave Josh a half smile at his confused expression. "That night, I also told Sam that he was going to run for president one day. I didn't tell him against who or whether or not he'd win but I'm fairly certain he answered both those questions that day in your office." Jed smiled at him. "He knew it was you that he was gonna have to run against. And he knew that he'd never be able to beat you, not in a million years."  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
"Because you're Joshua Lyman, the man who never gives up for what he believes in. The man who never stops fighting to make the world a better place for his stock and kin." He paused for a moment. "The man who took a bullet for his president and wanted to know what we were going to do next when he woke up."  
  
Josh reflected on these words before turning back to Jed. "I never thought that. When we first started talking seriously about life after the White House, I always used to think that Sam would be better at being a leader than I was. He'd be you and I'd be Leo. but then something happened."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Emma," he said with a grin. "I saw Emma and my whole world got thrown off kilter in the best possible way." He reminisced about that day he first saw her in the hospital nearly three years ago, when Donna was suffering from a life-threatening illness. Then, she was a four year-old little fireball of blonde hair and blue eyes that had stolen Josh's heart before she even said a word. "I knew right then that this was a little girl who deserved to live in a world where nothing could ever harm her. And the only way I could really make sure that would happen would be to go the distance, so to speak."  
  
"Quoting Field of Dreams already and you're only on your second scotch," Jed joked. "I better cut you off before your wife makes me pay through the teeth."  
  
"I knew that I'd end up hurting Sam," Josh sighed, ignoring Jed and leaning back against his chair. "I knew how much he wanted it for so long but." He banged his hand against the chair's arm in frustration. "Why couldn't he understand that I didn't have a choice? I had to do this for my children and my parents and all those who came before me. To do everything I possibly could to make sure no one in this world ever suffered the way they did again. I had to this for them, not myself. Sam needed it for himself and."  
  
"It's alright, son, you don't need to convince me or yourself. You're doing the right thing," Jed told him reassuringly, cutting off his emotional ranting. "I promise you, you're doing the right thing. Others may not agree with you now but that doesn't make it any less true."  
  
Josh looked up at him. "What others?"  
  
"I'm sorry?"  
  
"When you said 'others' there was something in your voice that just." He thought back to that afternoon and how quiet CJ had been during the discussion on Josh's campaign. The light clicked on in his head as the pieces fell into place. "CJ's not taking the publicist job in Manhattan is she?"  
  
"No, she's not."  
  
Josh nodded, disappointment heavy in his heart. "Press Secretary?"  
  
"Media Director," Jed corrected.  
  
He nodded again, reality sinking in. "And who else?"  
  
"What.what do you mean?" Jed asked, trying to stall the inevitable as he knew how badly Josh was going to react to the news.  
  
"You said others in the plural sense and I know you didn't mean Sam so who else?" Josh demanded to know. "Bonnie? Ginger? Not Toby, I mean he wouldn't play both sides like that." he listed as he got up and paced the room slowly, trying to figure out who else it could be.  
  
"Josh," Jed tried to cut in.  
  
"Charlie's in school in New York."  
  
"Leo didn't go to visit Mallory in Chicago this week, Josh," Jed broke in gently.  
  
Josh turned swiftly to him. "What?"  
  
"Leo went to California," he said softly. "To help start directing Sam's campaign for the governorship."  
  
The weight of the former president's words stunned Josh into silence. Without even thinking, he got up and walked over to his desk, looking at a picture of himself and Leo from the Convention in 1998. He picked it up and without even realizing what he was doing, hurled it across the room where it smashed into a hundred broken pieces, much like his heart was at that moment.  
  
One of the Secret Service agents burst into the room, startled by the noise but Jed simply waved him away, showing that he was fine. Josh, on the other hand, was not. He walked over to the devastated man and laid a hand on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry, son."  
  
"How?" Josh asked, misery lacing his words. "How could he do this to me? He's been my father since my dad.and now he just goes and."  
  
"It wasn't meant to hurt you, Josh, I promise you that," Jed tried to convince him, turning him to face him. "He never wanted."  
  
"Than why couldn't he tell me himself?!" Josh shouted, his anger getting the better of him. "Why did he have to send you to tell me, why couldn't he do it face to face, man to man?"  
  
"Josh if you don't calm yourself down," Jed warned sternly, "I'll have to bring in."  
  
"What Secret Agent Man out there? Bring him on!"  
  
"Really there Rambo, well how about your wife? Whom I know from my own personal marital experience, could inflict upon you more harm than Secret Agent Man and ten of his buddies ever could! Now sit your ass down and shut the hell up so I can tell you why your mentor is deserting you!" Jed shot back sarcastically. Josh, appropriately chastened, took several deep breaths to regain his composure and went to sit back down. Jed followed suit before continuing. "It's not about abandoning you."  
  
"How can you say.?" Josh tried to interrupt but Jed held up his hand to stop him.  
  
"You're a son to him, that's true," he said. "But Sam is as well. And I know you think you can't do this without Leo being there with you to you through this insanity but the truth is, you're much better equipped for this ride than Sam is. Sam's." he struggled to find the words, "he."  
  
"Couldn't run without Leo working the room?" Josh offered bitterly.  
  
"Well that's one way to put it," Jed agreed benignly. "Another is that Leo trusts you, as the older son, to be able to do this on your own. And you can, you know you can otherwise Leo would have been your very first call when you decided to run and you'd have made him your campaign manager instead of Toby.  
  
"I tried too!" Josh challenged.  
  
"And he said no!" Jed retorted. "He said no because he knew if he didn't let you go then, you'd just cling to him throughout your entire political career. Kind of like I did." Jed took a sip of scotch, as he looked thoughtfully around the room. "Leo just wants you to achieve the greatness of a presidency that I never let myself achieve." He laughed quietly to himself as he continued. "You know, I've always thought that Fate got either really bored or really drunk one day because when she created Leo McGarry and Josiah Bartlet, she made an ordinary man who would have given anything to be extraordinary and an extraordinary man who wanted nothing more than to be the ordinary man." His eyes bored into Josh's unnervingly. "Maybe by way of apologizing to us both, she sent us you. You're the best of both myself and Leo, Josh. I just pray with everything in me, for the sake of you and your family and this world, that the worst of us isn't lurking somewhere inside of you as well."  
  
Josh considered this thoughtfully before asking his next question. "You still didn't explain why he didn't tell me himself."  
  
Jed winked at him. "Because he knew you'd be able to talk him out of it. You know, being the savvy political mind that you are." They shared another laugh before getting serious again. "Do you understand now? He wanted today to be about you and your family, not about this.thing. You get it?"  
  
Josh nodded slowly. "I get it. I mean, my mind understands it but." he pinched the bridge of his nose between his hands.  
  
"But what?"  
  
Josh didn't look at him when he responded. "Is it okay if I'm still pissed at him?"  
  
"For now, yes," Jed told him, draining his glass and getting up. "I'm going to bed now. I want you to remember one thing though."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Everything that you have now," Jed began wisely. "Your wife, your children, your home, your career." He stopped to look him straight in the eye. "You'd have none of it if hadn't been for one Leo Thomas McGarry." With that, he left the room and left Josh with his thoughts.  
  
He didn't do anything for a while, just sat there in a daze of thought and booze. He didn't know which was making his head buzz more the revelations of that evening or the liquor. He'd bet money on the former but it was late and there wasn't time anymore to think about it right now. There didn't seem to be time for anything anymore that mattered to him. Except for one thing.  
  
He was about to go upstairs to join his wife in bed when his eye caught the shattered picture frame on the floor. He went over to pick it up and examined it. There were splinters and cracks all over the cheap glass, so much so that Josh couldn't make out his own face in the photo anymore. But he could see Leo's. Leo was glancing over at him and even in his state Josh could see the look of undeniable pride in the older man's eyes. Where before it would have caused him great fulfillment to look at that expression on Leo's face, tonight it was bittersweet. Leo trusted him enough to leave him behind. If he dwelt on it anymore he'd just.  
  
"Daddy?" a little voice said from the doorway. He turned to find Emma standing in the threshold, one hand rubbing her sleepy eyes, the other clutching her ancient stuffed dog, Petey. As always, Lulu the cat trailed behind her. "Daddy what are you doing?"  
  
"Nothing honey," he said, putting the picture facedown in a desk drawer before closing it. He went up to her and lifted her up. "How about you? You feel any better?"  
  
"No, I still feel yucky," the child bemoaned, resting her head against her father's shoulder.  
  
"You do huh?" Josh brought his hand up to her forehead to check her temperature. "Well guess what? Someone here has got a fever."  
  
"Is it Petey?" she asked, trying to joke a little.  
  
"No I believe it is the precocious six year-old in my arms who is going to take an aspirin and then go right back to bed," Josh informed her, securing her more tightly against him.  
  
"Okay," she answered drowsily. She snuggled deeper against him and shut her eyes. "Daddy?"  
  
"Yeah honey?"  
  
"I had fun today before I got sick."  
  
"I know you did," Josh said as he brought her out of the room. He climbed up the stairs and went down the hallway until he reached the bedroom. He laid her down on the unmade bed and wrapped her tightly in the blankets. He then went to get her some children's aspirin and water. When he came back, he propped her up to take her medicine and settled her down when she was done.  
  
"Goodnight Emma," he kissed her forehead. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Daddy," she reciprocated. When he got to her doorway, she spoke up again. "Daddy?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I can't wait 'til you're a Senator," she told him as she closed her eyes and fell back asleep.  
  
He rested his head against the doorjamb and looked at his daughter for a bit. Her innocent face, her rhythmic breathing, the soft fluttering of her eyelids as she dreamed. He got that same feeling he had when first saw her, when he first subconsciously knew what his destiny was.  
  
"Me neither, sweetheart," he whispered even though she could no longer hear him. "Me neither." 


	8. Chapter 8

Willard Hotel, Washington DC: January 15, 2005  
  
"Well, well, well good evening Senator and Mrs. Lyman!" a jovial voice proclaimed from the lobby of the hotel.  
  
Donna ducked her head in embarrassment while Josh grinned from ear to ear as they entered the restaurant area. "Thank you, thank you," he said as he approached his and Donna's dinner companions. "And how are you, Congressman and Dr. Harrington?"  
  
"We are just fine this evening, Senator," Bobby Harrington in a similar tone as he reached out to shake Josh's outstretched hand. He turned his attention on Donna and let out a little whistle when he saw her outfit. "Senator, I think your first order of business in the Senate is to sponsor a bill that states one Donna Lyman cannot leave the house in a wardrobe like this without an army of Secret Service Agents protecting her from the swarming masses."  
  
"I'd be inclined to agree with you on that one, Congressman. May I also suggest we add an amendment to this bill that would include one Helen Harrington in said provisions as well?  
  
"Senator, by all means."  
  
"If you two don't shut your mouths right now, and I mean right now, I'm taking Donna and we're gonna first divorce both your asses and then testify to both the House and Senate sub-committees on election reform about all the votes you two bought to get your fancy titles, you morons," Helen Harrington warned the two men lightheartedly. Donna nodded her head in agreement; as proud as she and Helen were of their husbands' numerous accomplishments, the men's penchant for inflating each other's already huge egos was quickly becoming tiresome after more than a month.  
  
"Excuse me, Congressman Harrington," an overly polite voice broke in. The group turned to find the hostess standing in front of them. "Your table is ready."  
  
"Thank you," Bobby replied. He offered his wife his arm and Josh copied his action. "Shall we ladies?" The four of them walked through the crowded restaurant until they reached their table. "So how has this fair city been treating you since you arrived?"  
  
"Pretty much the same way it treated me the last time around," Josh replied as he pulled out Donna's chair for her to sit in. "With immense respect combined with barely veiled animosity."  
  
"Oh just let it go, Joshua," Donna groaned jokingly. She turned to their dinner guests. "He's just mad because Ben and Sally still didn't invite him over to dinner the other night."  
  
"Who are Ben and Sally?" Helen asked.  
  
Donna opened her mouth to answer and than closed it after a second, her forehead scrunching in confusion. "Who are Ben and Sally anyways?" Donna asked her husband. "I mean, I always saw them on your schedule or Leo's from time to time but no one ever told me who they were."  
  
Josh thought for a moment. "You know, I'm really not sure either. Apparently, they're important to know in DC because Leo used to meet with them a lot. From what I remember, Ben shouted at people for nothing and Sally used to kick people out of the house when they didn't compliment her cooking. But regardless of who they are, I'm not still mad that they didn't invite me to dinner the other night. In fact I'm not mad about anything at all. I have got not a care in the world."  
  
"See how fast that answer changes after the Senate reconvenes next month," Donna replied. She turned back to Bobby and Helen. "What about you guys? What do you think of DC?"  
  
"To tell you the truth it's a lot more intimidating than I thought it'd be. And I'm only the Congressman's wife, I can't imagine how scared this one is," she laughed, nodding her head towards Bobby.  
  
"For your information, I feel no fear whatsoever my dear," Bobby explained to his wife. "I feel perfectly at home here in this fabulous city of democracy and I, for one, cannot wait for Congress to be in session again."  
  
"So I shouldn't read anything into the fact that when we met President Hoynes this morning at the White House, you referred to him as Your Majesty?" Josh and Donna both began chuckling as Helen looked at her husband superiorly.  
  
Bobby cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Excuse me, waiter," he called out, trying to ignore the humor that came at his expense. "Can you get us a bottle of your finest champagne please?" The waiter nodded curtly and disappeared. "So what do your kids think of DC?" he asked, changing the subject.  
  
"They seem okay with us living here," Donna answered as she picked up a menu to look through. "Obviously, it's been a bit harder on Emma than it has on Natalie. I mean she's moved three times in less than three years and she's starting in a new class where she doesn't know anyone and she's a year younger than everyone else."  
  
"Oh poor child," Helen said sympathetically. "You know, Donna, you've got to bring her by our place sometimes. She knows Freddie and they both get along so well, it'd be good for the two of them."  
  
"Well if I ever manage to get my house organized sometime during this century, I just might take you up on that offer."  
  
"Speaking of organization," Bobby spoke up. "Josh, does Toby Ziegler still have the name of that publicity firm in Virginia?"  
  
Josh smiled at him. "Resigned yourself to the fact that you now have to make regular public appearances have you? Realized that you can't just hide curled up in a dark room somewhere like the good ole days when you were the head of the AAFO?"  
  
"I wouldn't be talking Mr. People-Everywhere-Still-Ask-Me-About-My-Secret- Plan-To-Fight-Inflation," Bobby teased him.  
  
"At least I never mixed up which speech I was giving at which time," Josh threw back, grinning.  
  
"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad," Bobby tried to right it off.  
  
"I hate to say this but I am afraid my husband's right on that one, Bobby," Donna said with a smile.  
  
"How was it as bad as everyone says it was?" Bobby shrugged nonchalantly. "I mean, what politician in this town hasn't given a speech declaring that there should be an increase in the amount of money the federal government spends on Planned Parenthood to Christian's for a Better Tomorrow?" The entire group shared a laugh over that one and by that time, the champagne had arrived.  
  
"I would like to propose a toast," Josh said when everyone's glass had been filled. "To Bobby and myself, for getting ourselves to this place of power and to our wives, without whom we couldn't have gotten anywhere with." The four of them raised their glasses and Donna leaned over to give Josh a quick kiss.  
  
They enjoyed the rest of their meal together, sharing stories about their children, each other, what their plans were for the future; just getting to know one another better and further solidifying their friendships. As they were leaving the restaurant a few hours later, a voice called out to Josh and Bobby. They turned to find the Minority Leader, Democratic Senator Todd Lindsey, gesturing for them to come over to his table. The two men excused themselves from their wives and went to go meet with him, leaving Helen and Donna alone in the lobby.  
  
"So it begins," Donna mumbled almost sullenly to herself or so she thought.  
  
"What begins?" Helen questioned as they went to sit down on one of the plush couches in the lobby.  
  
"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to say that out loud," Donna apologized. "I just meant that now it's starting. You know, the two-hour long phone calls, the last-minute amendments to add to this bill, the organizing of a veto on that bill, the days were we sometimes only see them for ten minutes at a time." She chuckled a little. "Face it Helen, our husbands don't belong to just us anymore."  
  
"I don't know about that," the other woman replied. "Bobby promised me even before he decided to run that doing all this wasn't going to interfere with our family."  
  
"Josh said the same thing to me. And I'm sure thousands of other men have said that to their wives before getting on the plane here. Doesn't mean that they all lived up to it though," she replied with a hint of bitterness in her words. The seeds of doubt about her husband and marriage had been planted a long time ago. When or by what were unclear to Donna but she was sure of one thing; ever so slowly they were beginning to grow.  
  
"Are you saying that you think Josh would actually put you and the kids second to all of this?" Helen inquired disbelievingly. "Because trust me, he wouldn't. I've seen him with you and your daughters; he adores you three. He wouldn't do anything to jeopardize what you have together."  
  
"Not in the beginning, not consciously anyways," Donna retorted. "But eventually." she paused to rub her forehead. "I just don't want to be married to a ghost, that's all."  
  
"You won't be. Josh, unlike most politicians in this town, is a family man at heart. So is Bobby, they won't let each other get side-tracked by all that shit that comes along with our wonderful democratic government."  
  
"Yeah," Donna agreed distractedly. Helen could tell by looking at her and by talking to her, hell from knowing her these past few months that something was going on inside her that she wasn't letting on to. Like there was something deep in her heart that she wanted to let out but held back from doing so out of fear.  
  
"Donna what's going on?" Helen asked boldly. "You've been acting off for awhile and it seems to me that you're just putting on a good face for everyone else and if that's the case, you should."  
  
"I can't get pregnant," she suddenly blurted out.  
  
"Beg pardon?"  
  
Donna had to laugh at the expression on Helen's face despite the seriousness of the conversation. "I'm sorry," she apologized in between giggles. "Your face just." She managed to get herself under control after a minute and elaborated. "I've been trying to get pregnant for a few months and I haven't been able to so I guess I've been kind of distracted lately."  
  
"Oh," Helen replied, understanding a little. "You and Josh want another baby? So soon?"  
  
"Yeah," she answered, not too convincingly. "I should say that I want another baby this soon and Josh. doesn't exactly know I've been trying as hard as I have been." The other woman raised her eyebrows at Donna in surprise. "Well I mean, it's not like he's going to be disappointed or upset about anything when I do get pregnant. We both want lots of kids so."  
  
"Why do you want another baby so badly right now though?" Helen asked trying to remember those few psychology courses she'd taken during medical school.  
  
"Haven't you ever wanted a baby? Don't you know what it feels like?"  
  
"Of course I've wanted a baby before. I remember when Sondra died I wanted one so badly. But." She shrugged through her sadness. "I guess I felt like if I did, it meant that I was able to survive her somehow and I never want to survive her." She paused as the emptiness swept through her, as it did at least once every day. Losing a child never got easier, no matter what the books said. "But back to you, my dear. Why do you want a baby so badly?"  
  
"Because I." Donna trailed off as she tried to justify the source of her disappointment. "I want a baby to.so I can." She could tell the lies that she'd used to convince herself weren't going to work on her friend. She blinked back a tear. "I don't feel like I'm doing anything good with my life anymore except with my children and I want to have another one."  
  
Helen nodded as the picture started to become clearer. "You feel overshadowed by Josh and his career?"  
  
"Wouldn't you, if you were me?"  
  
"Probably. I imagine he's not an easy man to be married to sometimes."  
  
"He loves me so much and I love him but."  
  
"Not in terms of love, Donna," Helen corrected. "It's clear that you two love each other more than most people are capable of. But in terms of his ambition and intensity and intelligence and passion for what he does; it wouldn't be easy for anyone to deal with, let alone a wife."  
  
"It's not about the difficulty of living with Josh," Donna replied dismally. "It's about living with Senator Joshua Lyman. All of the things he's going to do in Congress are going to have a major impact on people, he'll make sure of that. And he's had all this planned out for so long, the rest of his life and subsequently the rest of mine. How the hell do I tell him I'm not as confident about everything as I was in the beginning?"  
  
"Why didn't you tell him all this before he ran?" Helen asked, concerned. "If you had all these doubts during the campaign why.?"  
  
"I didn't have doubts during the campaign, I was fine then." She sighed in frustration. "But look at him, he rushes over to someone with just a little more power than him without even thinking about it. This is something he needs to do and I understand that. I could do things here too that would benefit other people. We have to sacrifice a little bit of ourselves for the common good. But I'm just not sure if I could take that for twelve straight years."  
  
Helen reached out to rub the younger woman's shoulder. Serious discussion wasn't helping matters so she tried humor. "Well look on the bright side, Donna. With any kind luck, twelve years from now, there won't be anyone in the world with more power than your husband."  
  
Donna turned to look at her, surprised. "How did you know.?" She groaned as she realized what must have happened. "My husband told your husband, didn't he?"  
  
"Oh yeah," Helen confirmed. "As soon as the words were out of his mouth, I smacked Bobby upside the head and told him if he told anyone else, he better buy us a more comfortable couch because that would be where he was sleeping for the rest of his life. Trust me, short of Chinese water torture, he won't say a word."  
  
"Good," Donna sighed, relieved. "Not that I don't trust the two of you but all it takes is for one story to get bungled in the press and your career in politics is finished."  
  
"I understand," Helen assured her. "Though if I could, may I make a suggestion?"  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
"I think you need to tell Josh how concerned you are and how you feel," she advised Donna. "You need to fix this before it gets broken honey. Holding it all in and trying to manage your feelings by having another baby isn't the right thing for anyone, especially a child."  
  
Donna nodded thoughtfully. "Maybe you're right," she admitted. The women sat there together in silence, listening to the melody of sound that the city created at night. Neither said anything for the longest while until Donna suddenly declared, "Sometimes I think that Josh and I got married way too soon."  
  
"What?"  
  
She turned to find Helen staring at her strangely and realized that she'd just voiced her thoughts out loud yet again. "I.I didn't.Oh God!" She hung her head in her hands as she realized what a gaffe she'd just made. "I'm sorry I said anything."  
  
"It's okay," Helen tried to comfort her despite her own shock at what she'd heard. "Did.did you mean it though?"  
  
Donna raised her head again and started to answer but before she could, she saw Josh and Bobby walk out of the restaurant in search of them. "Never mind," she said softly as the men spotted them and began walking toward them. "Please forgot I ever brought any of this up," she added quickly. She wiped quickly at her eyes for any stray tears that'd somehow escaped and put on a happy face. "Hey, Conquerors of Congress! What took so long?"  
  
"Lindsey to talk about appointments to the bench with Bobby and me," Josh said, wrapping an arm around his wife's shoulders. She smiled at him and erased any amount of discord that had been on her face beforehand. "What about you guys? What were you talking about just now?"  
  
"Nothing important," Donna replied quickly. "Just, you know, conversational stuff. Right Helen?"  
  
"Yeah," the other woman nodded slowly as she joined her husband. She knew instinctively that Josh needed and deserved to know what was going on in his wife's head but she also knew it was Donna who had to be the one to tell him.  
  
"Listen, we need to be getting home," Donna said after a minute. "Emma has school tomorrow, Natalie's got that cold, and we should probably go relieve Toby and my sister so."  
  
"Oh by all means," Bobby said cordially. The group exchanged good-byes and while the men were shaking hands with each other, neither noticed the looks their wives gave each other. Looks that rang of uneasiness and worriedness but also of the unspoken bond that unfailingly will form between women who bare their souls to one another.  
  
Finally they all pulled apart and went their separate ways, Bobby and Helen heading for their car to their home in Alexandria and Josh and Donna got into a cab to get to their Georgetown townhouse. After winning by a healthy 9 point margin back in November, the Lyman's had assumed they'd follow their original plans and house hunt in the beginning of January allowing them to be moved in by the middle of February. However, on a hot real estate tip from Nicole back in October and leading over Brooks by a staggering fifteen points in the polls, they'd gone ahead and purchased a six-bedroom, two and half-bathroom, three story brick townhouse in Georgetown, not far from their old apartment.  
  
Josh paid the fare and they got out, walking up the steps to their apartment together. The hallway was dark and still littered with moving boxes. Donna dodged them as she tried to feel around for the light switch. "Hello?" she called out quietly when she flicked on the light. She heard a series of noises, like someone scrambling around, coming from the living room.  
  
"Toby? Nic?" Josh tried as he followed his wife into the living room. "Where are you guys.oh dear God I didn't need to see that!" He turned away, shielding his eyes and grimacing as if he were in physical pain.  
  
Donna turned to see what caused that reaction and laughed out loud at what it was. Nicole, her older, perfect, business-minded sister was laying sprawled out on the Oriental rug that had been a wedding gift from her covered from the chest down only in one of their great-great-grandmother's hand-woven quilts. Her hair was completely disheveled and her makeup was smeared. She had one hand making sure the quilt was secure against her chest and the other was covering her mouth as peals of laughter escaped from her lips.  
  
"Well," said Donna after a minute, still grinning while Josh was trying to remain somewhat proper and Nicole was trying to regain her composure, "it seems like we probably should have had that dessert course after all."  
  
"Oh don't worry about it," Nicole tossed back as she slowly got up, clutching the quilt to herself. "This was the headliner, not the opening act."  
  
"Again, information I could have lived without," Josh said in a voice of agony. He turned back to his wife. "And how come you're so calm about this?"  
  
"Because this isn't the first time I've ever caught my sister like this," Donna told him as she went over to him and wrapped an arm around his waist. "Nicole was quite the school slut in high school. In fact, it's not even the, what ninth or tenth time, that I've caught her like this."  
  
"Eleventh," her sister added coyly, enjoying watching Josh squirm so much.  
  
"Besides," another voice, much gruffer than the others broke in, "it's not as if we haven't had sex in your house before, Josh." Toby walked in from the adjacent dining room, buttoning the last few buttons on his shirt as he joined them. "In actuality."  
  
"I swear on the lives of my children if you finish that sentence, Toby, I'm joining the Republican Party," Josh vowed as he let go of Donna and went straight for the liquor cabinet.  
  
"Oh you are no fun Joshua," Nicole complained as she gathered up her clothes and went to change.  
  
"I have a strong feeling you and I have very different definitions on what constitutes as fun, Nicole," he shot back as he poured himself a shot of whiskey, which he quickly downed, trying to erase the mental image in his mind of his sister-in-law and C.o.S.  
  
"How were the girls?" Donna asked Toby, ignoring her husband and sister.  
  
"Fine," he told her. "I helped Emma with her spelling and we made sure Natalie had her medicine. I won't even discuss how traumatic that was for everyone involved."  
  
"She's not that bad," Josh argued as he put his glass down and rejoined them.  
  
"She's just like you are," Toby stated. "Only she's fifteen months old and actually has an excuse for her behavior.  
  
"When did they go to bed?" Donna asked, steering them back on track.  
  
"Natalie went down at 8:30," Nicole said, coming out of the dining room and slipping on a shoe, "and Emma went down at 9:00." She tossed the quilt right at Josh who caught it and immediately flung it towards the couch, as if it were diseased. "How was your night?"  
  
"It was fine," Donna told Nicole, not quite looking at her sister for fear her eyes would betray her. "Obviously don't need to ask how your evening went."  
  
"Ha ha ha," the older sister sneered. "Like I never caught you in any compromising positions before."  
  
"Okay, so we'll see you guys later," Donna said hurriedly as she motioned for them to get going. She gathered their jackets and shoved them at the couple as they went into the hallway.  
  
"Well wait now," Josh said curiously. "What kind of positions are we talking about here?"  
  
"Well there was that time with Gary Owens at the lake." Nicole teased.  
  
"Goodnight Nicolette," Donna said over her voice. "Goodnight Toby. Thank you both very much. We'll send you the cleaning bill for the rug."  
  
"Sure, sure. Oh wait a sec." Nicole turned and went to one of the boxes. She picked up a wrapped, express mail package that had been on top. "This came right after you guys left so I just signed for it."  
  
"Thank you very much," Donna took the package and kissed her sister's cheek. "I'll call you later."  
  
"Night guys."  
  
"Toby, we need to set up a conference call with Ortega on the clean energy bill for tomorrow," Josh called out as the couple walked down the steps.  
  
"Sure. See you later." Toby and Nicole walked down the street, arm in arm. They lived three blocks away from Josh and Donna, making baby-sitting much more hassle free than it had been in Connecticut.  
  
"Ah," Donna sighed as she leaned against the closed door in the hallway.  
  
"Alone at last," Josh whispered to her as he leaned in to capture her lips in a kiss. They stood like for a few minutes, just innocently kissing like teenagers against the doorway. Of course, being them, things heated up pretty quickly and as Donna went to wrap her arms around Josh's neck, they connected and she remembered the package she was holding.  
  
"Mmm, hold on a minute," Donna gasped as she broke away from Josh and moved into the living room to open the package. She got a pair of box cutters out of a drawer and proceeded to rip open the outer layer.  
  
"What is it?" Josh asked, who had come up and wrapped himself around Donna from behind, resting his chin on her shoulder.  
  
"It is." she replied as she took the object out of the box and nearly shrieked in delight. "Oh my God, I don't believe it!" She dropped the box and held the square object out in front of her for both herself and Josh to see. The Carol King album cover, "Tapestry" stared back at them. It was a first edition, vinyl copy of the classic and Donna was grinning from ear to ear over it.  
  
"Wow, vinyl," Josh commented dumbly. "Didn't think they made those anymore."  
  
"Oh, I don't believe you!" She playfully smacked him with the album as she stepped away from him. "This is the best album ever made and all you can say is 'vinyl'? Do you know how many things wrong there are with you?"  
  
"Well if I didn't already, I'm sure you wouldn't mind listing them for me." He went to pick up the discarded box and looked inside. "Hey there's a note in here."  
  
"What's it say?" Donna was much too enthralled with her new toy to care that much where it came from.  
  
"Dear Donna," Josh read, "I was browsing through this old record store on Kenmore Street last week and knew you'd get a kick out of this. Consider it a belated birthday gift. Signed everyone's favorite British chippy, Lily." He put both the note and box on the coffee table and went to join his wife on the sofa. "So I take it this is your favorite album?"  
  
"Bet your ass it is," Donna replied, leaning back against his chest still holding the album. "I can remember sitting in my apartment for hours, playing the CD over and over again. I went through at least four copies of this in one year alone."  
  
"Appealed to your sense of folksy feminism with a touch mournful romanticism did it?" Josh asked, pulling her closer and nuzzling her neck.  
  
"No. It was.it was my mother's favorite record," she admitted softly. Josh immediately pulled back and looked at her, surprised by her response. Donna rarely spoke about her mother, at least to him. He knew that they'd been very close and that Donna had been young when she died of cancer but she never seemed to want to offer any more details and Josh never pushed her to. He always figured it was just too painful for her to talk about, like his dad's death was with him.  
  
"Really? I.I didn't know that," he replied, not sure what to say.  
  
"Yeah," she whispered as the memories came back to her. "We'd always listen to it together, all four of us. During storms, we'd all huddle under this fort of blankets we'd built and Mom would.would turn on her record player and we'd listen to all sorts of records; jazz, classical, rock, pop: it didn't matter what we listened to as long as Mom was there, singing and laughing and holding us. She made everything, whether it was storms or the kitchen fire or my dad not being there, just seem not as scary or bad as it really was." Donna traced over the artwork of the album cover wistfully. "She played this thing at least once a day. She loved Carol King, loved all of her songs and albums. But this was her favorite." Donna began giggling and laid her head on Josh's shoulder. "I remember this one time, when I was twelve, I got stood up for my very first real date. His name was Chadwick Porter and I was so devastated, I swore off men forever. But anyways, I was up in my room; sobbing, miserable, and feeling like the ugliest girl that ever lived. And Mom comes in with her cassette player blaring 'Beautiful' out of the speakers and she's dressed in this ridiculous.I don't know carpet bag lady outfit that she found and she's lip-synching all of the words to me. Then Nicole comes in, dressed in one of Mom's old prom dresses and heels and a boa, and T.J. is only like, ten years old and he's trying to look like one of the Blues Brothers and they're supposed to be her backup singers. Oh, I was laughing my head off within five seconds and after ten seconds I forgot why I was so sad in the first place." By the end of the story, Josh was laughing along with her and Donna could almost see herself and her family back then.  
  
"She sounds like she was really wonderful," Josh told her, stroking her bare shoulder and kissing her hair. "I wish I could have met her."  
  
"I do too," Donna replied, her melancholy from earlier returning instantly with a new ferocity. She turned her head up slightly to look at her husband's face. He'd taken the record from her and was studying the album cover, not looking at her, just being there with her at this moment.  
  
"You've got to fix this before it gets broken," Helen's voice reverberated in Donna's head. 'Now's the perfect time, Donna, just tell him how you feel!' her own subconscious screamed at her. 'Tell him how scared you are and how lost you feel now, how you've felt that way for so long. He can help you; you can help each other. Just let him in!'  
  
"Josh," she whispered tentatively, prepared to tell him everything. He looked down at her and she saw his eyes. They were so full of love and devotion towards her. Full of happiness at what he was about to embark on in this city and where it would take him. Donna knew in that instant that if she voiced any of her fears, he'd pull back from what he loved to do. And he'd given her so much; what right did she have to take this from him?"  
  
"Donna? Are you okay?" he asked, putting the album on the floor and tipping her chin up a little so he could look directly at her and she lost some of her nerve.  
  
'Tell him!!!,' her mind commanded.  
  
"Donna?" he asked again, weakening her further.  
  
'TELL HIM!!!!!,' everything inside her insisted.  
  
"Donna, what is it.?"  
  
Josh didn't get to finish as Donna pulled his head down and kissed him hungrily. Kissing him harder and with more passion than she had in a long while. It was as if in order to apologize for keeping her true feelings from him, she had to give every other part of herself that she could to him. She felt his strong hands roam across her bare back wildly and she clutched his jacket into her fists. She tugged him forward, never removing her lips from his, until he was sitting with her straddling him. She pushed his jacket off violently and he struggled to find the zipper of her dress. When they pulled back for air, he looked up at her.  
  
"Don.Donna," he panted out. "What.what's gotten into you? Is some.something wrong?"  
  
She looked down at him, his face red and his chest heaving from exertion and passion. Her fingers were tangled in his unruly brown hair and his lips were swollen from their activities, as were other parts of his anatomy. But his eyes were crystal clear and shining with unspoken concern.  
  
'Please tell him,' her mind tried desperately one last time.  
  
"I love you," she breathed out. "I love you so much." Without saying anything else, she pulled him back up to her, kissing him with the same abandonment and zeal as before. He hesitated for a second and then joined her in their lovemaking, not realizing that a part of her was dying inside. 


	9. Chapter 9

Josh's Office: February 21, 2005  
  
*RING*  
  
*RING*  
  
"Good evening, Senator Lyman's Office. This is Gus Whittaker speaking how may I help you.uh-huh.yes sir.yes sir.yes sir I'll pass along that message.thank you for your concerns.bye-bye."  
  
"Who was that?" Toby asked as he came out of Josh's office and into the reception area, where Gus's desk was stationed. He'd made the move to DC with them and for the time being, was working as Josh's personal assistant.  
  
"That was a Mr. Concerned Citizen. He said that during Josh's first month in office, he's started to completely desecrate the values and morals that Connecticut has stood for since the 1600s, which is hard considering that it wasn't a state until the 1700s, and that he should be impeached from the Senate immediately without due process," Gus said off-handedly as he packed up his things for the night. "You know, same old same old."  
  
"Yeah," Toby replied, not really paying too much attention to him. He was staring into a folder containing a press release that had come into his office that morning. He'd just shown it to Josh a couple of minutes ago.  
  
"What's that?" Gus asked as he put his coat on, pointing to the folder. "You've been staring at whatever is in that folder all day as if it holds the secrets of the universe or something."  
  
Toby looked up at him. "It's a press release from a Republican congressman who's started an exploratory committee on running for governor of California."  
  
"Why would Josh care about a gubernatorial campaign in California?" Gus asked. He looked up for an answer but Toby just looked at him with that look that was purely Toby's and the other shoe dropped. "Oh right. I see. Because of Sam's."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Gus glanced back at the closed office door. "Did he see it?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Is he concerned about it?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What does it say?"  
  
Toby cleared his throat and read from the page. "Here's a sample.The relentless pursuit of the former members of the Bartlet administration to further disintegrate the moral fabric of our society is made no more clearer than when one looks at the fact that Joshua Lyman, former White House Deputy C.o.S, was recently elected to the U.S. Senate. This man was one of [Democratic hopeful] Seaborn's closest confidantes and he's made clear that he intends to pursue an agenda in Congress similar to that of Bartlet's presidency: raising taxes, abortion rights, and decreasing defense spending'."  
  
"Those are all things that Josh wants to get done while he's here," Gus pointed out, his political naiveté blatant. "And, if I understand politics correctly, those are all things that Democrats, like Sam, want to get done too."  
  
"This is true."  
  
"Then why.?"  
  
"Orange County's average per capita income per family is between $80,000 and $100,000 dollars," Toby explained, sitting on the edge of a desk, continuing to reread the message even while speaking to Gus. "So that's why the guy mentions raising taxes. You also have the military contractors and electronics companies that are based there so that takes care of defense spending."  
  
"Why are you so concerned about someone else's campaign?" Gus asked, feeling like an idiot for not knowing where Toby was going with this.  
  
"Because when your guy's name comes up in the press and you had nothing to do with it, whatever it is becomes priority number one." He paused to take in a breath, his hand lightly massaging his beard. "Why'd this guy mention abortion?" Toby asked, more to himself than to Gus. "You.you don't play the morality card, you never play the morality card this early in an election race unless."  
  
"Toby, I'm headed home," Josh called out as he exited his office, unknowingly interrupting Toby's train of thought. He was putting on his jacket and trying to carry the briefcase that his public relations staff had overwhelmingly insisted he carry.  
  
"Why are you going so early?" Toby asked, looking at his watch. "It's not even six-thirty yet."  
  
"Emma's dance recital is tonight and I promised I'd be there," Josh explained in a tone that left no room for debate. Josh worked long and hard at what he did and when he said it was time to go, no one argued with him. "I've gotta go home and change then meet Donna and Nicole at the school. Aren't you coming?"  
  
"No I've got a thing," Toby said slowly. "Listen, is there anyway that you can stay and work a little longer?"  
  
"No, Toby I can't," Josh replied, instantly turning from Josh the friend to Josh the Senator. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. My time with my family is not compromised short of anything less than a national emergency." He groaned in annoyance. "Besides, Donna needs me at home right now."  
  
"Is she alright?" Gus asked, concerned over his surrogate sister.  
  
"Yeah she's just.sometimes she'll go and.I don't know, man," he sighed, switching roles again and running his fingers through his hair. "She's moody, she's more confrontational with me, she hates going out anywhere; I don't know what's bothering her lately." 'Add to the fact that she won't talk to you about it and you're an ulcer waiting to happen,' his brain said but he tried to shake it off.  
  
"All right," Toby said, clearly disappointed. "Well say hello to everyone for me. I've got to stay and work on this thing that came up."  
  
That got Josh's attention. "Anything I should know about?"  
  
Toby shook his head. "Not yet."  
  
"Okay. Gus, can you come?"  
  
"No I can't," he replied. He bowed his head sheepishly. "I've, uh, kind of got a date."  
  
"Nice," Josh smirked, giving him a manly slap on the back. "Where you taking her?"  
  
"Giovanni's, off of Dupont. She's one of Hammond's aides."  
  
"Well, have a good time. We'll miss you at the recital."  
  
"Tell Emma I said good luck."  
  
"You bet. See you guys later." With that, Josh left the office to return home to his family, leaving Toby and Gus alone. The younger man turned back to Toby.  
  
"Are you gonna stay much longer?" He got no response, as Toby was once again engrossed in the piece of paper he was holding. "You with me here, Toby?" Still nothing. "There's a serial killer loose in the building." Again, only silence. "Julia Childs has an appointment to see you right now."  
  
"What? What did you say?" Toby snapped his head up and looked around the room as if he didn't know where he was.  
  
"Man, what is up with you?" Gus laughed, even though he was starting to get concerned. "You're acting like you've seen a ghost or something." He shook his head and got the rest of his things together. "Well I'm gonna go have dinner with a girl that I want to have sex with. See you later."  
  
"Yeah," Toby mumbled trying to shake off whatever was nagging at him. But the thoughts still persisted to the point when he couldn't ignore them anymore. 'Something is off about this,' he thought. 'Something is very, very off about all this.' As Gus walked towards the door, his words rang in Toby's ears. Suddenly, out of the blue, something clicked in his mind. "Gus, wait!"  
  
The young man turned swiftly. "What? What is it?" he asked hurriedly, the outburst startling him.  
  
Toby got up and stalked over to him, deliberately. "What do you just say back there?" he asked quickly. "When you were about to leave a second ago, what did you say?"  
  
"The part about the girl I want to have sex with?"  
  
"No, no the other part!" Toby said, getting agitated. He could almost see the answer in front of him but it was just out of his grasp. "What did you say, something about a ghost?"  
  
"Yeah," answered Gus, a little bit surprised at the sudden interest Toby had in what he had to say. "I.I said you looked like you'd seen a ghost or something."  
  
Toby stared at him blankly as his mind started processing everything. "A ghost," he whispered to himself. He retreated from the doorway and Gus, and headed back into the office area.  
  
Gus followed him warily. "Toby what are you thinking about?"  
  
Toby scratched the back of his head and paced slowly in front of someone's desk. "A ghost," he said quietly, "is someone from the past."  
  
"Someone who's dead," Gus reiterated. "Toby, are you having."  
  
"Doesn't have to be a someone though," the other man murmured as the pieces started sliding into place. "Could be a something. A something.a something a person wouldn't want others to know about."  
  
"Toby," Gus said, putting his things down on the ground and going over to the still pacing figure, "I think I should call."  
  
Toby suddenly stopped pacing and stood right in front of Gus. "Yes, you're right," he agreed hurriedly. "We need to start calling people. We need to get the information they have." With that, he hustled over to a computer and turned the machine on as well as the desk lamp, casting illumination throughout the dark area. He turned back to Gus. "Get this thing online and get ready to do a search." Gus hesitated for a moment and Toby got angry with him. "You think I mean at your earliest possible convenience? Do it now!" The boy nodded and hurried over to the work area. Toby meanwhile had picked up the phone and was waiting for the other person to pick up. Finally, after what like an eternity, they did. "Hello New York Post.Yeah I need to talk with your political editor.Tell him it's Toby Ziegler .Thank you." He went back to Gus. "Is it ready yet?"  
  
"Um just another second," he replied feebly. "It takes a minute to boot up."  
  
"Can you get it to go any.Yes, hello? Dave, it's me Toby. How you doing.Listen, I know its kind of late but I need a favor.One of your reporters did an interview with a California Republican gubernatorial candidate the other day? I need to talk that person now.Thanks."  
  
"Okay I'm all set," Gus said from the computer, primed to start searching for information. "What am I doing the search on?"  
  
Toby closed his eyes and prayed to God that he was wrong about this. "Donnatella Lyman or Moss, whichever works best," he instructed quietly.  
  
Now Gus had passed the realm of confused and had made his way over to completely mystified. "What? You want me to do a search on Donna?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What the hell for?" Gus asked, getting mad over the thought of invading his friend's privacy.  
  
Toby rubbed his hand over his tired eyes and wanted to be anywhere other than here at that moment. Yet, he knew no matter how difficult it would be he had to protect Josh from anything that could hurt his position. Even if that anything was his wife and the mother of his children.  
  
"We're just making sure of something, Gus. Trust me when I say I hate this as much as you do," he tried to apologize, placing his hand reassuringly on the boy's shoulder. "But we have to do it for Josh."  
  
Gus, slightly mollified, and finally grasping the importance of this, nodded. "What are we looking for exactly?"  
  
Toby looked him straight in the eyes. "Ghosts," he whispered. The phone picked up on the other end as Gus typed out Donna's name onto the computer screen to look for anything were her name was mentioned. "Hi, this is Toby Ziegler. I want to talk to you about."  
  
About two hours later, a cab pulled in front of Josh and Donna's house and Toby stepped out after paying the cabbie, alone. He'd sent Gus on his way to his date, nearly an hour late, claiming that he'd be able to handle doing this on his own. Now, standing in front of the house, he was beginning to doubt his resolve. Nonetheless, he took a deep breath and trotted up the steps and rang the doorbell. A few seconds later, preceded by the clamor of footsteps, the door opened to reveal a small, costumed child that did not belong to Josh and Donna. Behind her, Toby could see several other children, some similarly costumed, running around in the foyer. 'What the hell.?' he thought.  
  
"Hi, I'm Tiffany," said the little girl to a confused Toby. "Who are you?"  
  
"I'm Toby Ziegler." He stepped back to look at the house, to see if he'd accidentally picked the wrong one. Seeing he hadn't, he went back to the child. "Do you, uh, live here?"  
  
Tiffany wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Are you kidding me?" she asked indignantly. "I'm rich and we live in a much nicer house than this. My daddy's a banker and he says he makes more money than God." Toby watched her eye him warily. "What do you do?"  
  
"I spend all day working to tax your daddy back to the Stone Age and take away all of his money," he replied with a phony smile. "Now are there any adults here that I can.?"  
  
"Toby, what are you doing here?" His girlfriend suddenly appeared in the doorway, carrying what looked like a canopy platter of cheese wedges and crackers in each hand and a look of surprise on her face. After a second, Nicole looked down at the little girl, who was pouting angrily at Toby. "Sweetie, why don't you go and play with the other kids?"  
  
"He was really mean to me just now," Tiffany complained, pointing at Toby as she walked away sullenly.  
  
"Oh trust me, it's not you," she assured the girl under her breath as she walked away. Nicole turned back to Toby. "Here, come on in." He did so, taking off his coat as Nicole nudged the door shut with her foot behind them. As he went to hang up his jacket on the coat hook, he saw an array of other jackets there. He noticed that all around him in the house, the chattering of various adults and the screeching play of children could be heard and strangers could be seen talking in both the dining and living rooms.  
  
"What's going on?" he asked Nicole, taking one of the trays from her.  
  
"Thank you," she breathed, leaning over to quickly kiss him. Then she started making her way to the back of the house with Toby trailing behind her. "It's, ah, a party obviously. For Emma's dance recital. I thought I told you about it."  
  
"You probably did, I just wasn't listening," he said as they made their way through the crowds of people for destinations unknown to Toby.  
  
"Imagine my shock," she deadpanned as she finally stopped and set her tray down on a coffee table, which a group of people pounced on immediately. Toby followed suit and turned back to her. "You know, I could probably tell you nowadays that I'm on fire and you'd just keep looking at some recent polling sample."  
  
He could sense a fight about to boil over between them and he wanted to avoid it, if only for the purposes of expediency. "Look, I'm sorry," he tried to apologize to her. "I know I've been busy and we haven't seen each other as much as we should. But, Nic, you gotta understand that the first year."  
  
".Is crucial for Josh's reelection. Yes I know and I understand," Nicole sighed, laying her hands on Toby's chest. "It doesn't mean that I have to like it, though."  
  
He covered her hands with his. Nicole was his first serious relationship since Andi and he wasn't interested in screwing it up just yet. "We'll try to get away after the Clean Energy Bill is passed," he promised her, squeezing her hands reassuringly.  
  
She gave him a crooked smile, loving him despite the disappointments that came with being with him. "I'm gonna hold you to that, Mr. Ziegler." She leaned in to give him another kiss, this one lingering a little longer than the last. After they pulled apart, she patted his chest affectionately. "So what are you doing here? Josh said that you were working on something at the office and couldn't get away."  
  
Her comment, innocent as it was, reminded him what he was here to do. He coughed nervously. "Yeah I was. Actually, that's why I'm here. I need to talk to."  
  
"Toby!!!" a delighted Emma screamed as she barreled into the room. She ran straight for Toby and latched herself around his legs, arms squeezing to the point of almost cutting off circulation. "You came, you came, you really came!"  
  
"Um, yeah I came," he replied stiffly, still a little uncomfortable with Emma's habit of always publicly displaying her affections for people. He gently pulled her back and got a good look at her or at least the parts of her not covered with makeup. "What.what is this supposed to be?" he asked, gesturing to Emma's painted face and sparkly costume.  
  
"I'm a fairy," she explained, spinning in circles to give him the full effect of the costume. "We did 'The Nutcracker' and I was the Sugar Plumb Fairy. And this whole party is just for me!"  
  
"Emma," her aunt said in a warning tone, placing her hands on the girl's shoulders to steady her.  
  
The child sighed dramatically. "And all the other kids in my dance class," she admitted grudgingly. "But I'm the only one here that gets presents!"  
  
"Which will be locked away until Christmas if a certain young lady does not stop talking about said presents to all of the other kids here," Donna said sternly, coming up behind her daughter and joining the three of them. She rolled her eyes at her sister and bent down to Emma's height. "Now you wouldn't want that now, would you Emma Antonia Lyman?" Emma shook her head furiously. "So why don't you go and be the gracious hostess that Mommy knows you are and give these napkins out to people who need them. Then go and play with your friends who have taken over our house. Okay?" She gave Emma the stack of napkins.  
  
"Okay Mommy," she agreed. "But after I'm done, can you go talk to Melissa's mommy? Because Melissa said I could sleep over her house tonight, Mommy, and I really, really want to. Please?" She gave her mother her patented pout and her famous "Angelic Kitten" face.  
  
Donna laughed lightly. "Let me talk to Daddy and Mrs. Sachs first and see what we have to do tomorrow, but yes you probably can," she told her daughter.  
  
"Yes! Thank you, Mommy!" She threw her arms around Donna's neck and hugged her tightly.  
  
Donna hugged her back with equal force. "You're welcome, baby," she said, kissing Emma's head. They pulled apart and Donna straightened up. "Now go give out those napkins." Emma nodded and scurried off into the crowd.  
  
"Yeah I was wrong, she doesn't have you and Josh wrapped around her finger or anything crazy like that," Nicole joked to her sister.  
  
She smacked Nicole's arm. "Like you're any better than I am," she retorted. Then she looked at Toby as if she'd just noticed him. "Hey stranger, what are you doing here?" she asked, leaning over to peck him on the cheek. "My husband said you were being a workaholic and couldn't pull yourself away from the office."  
  
Toby swallowed hard and looked away from Donna's trusting gaze. "Yeah I was," he replied quietly. "Actually, um, I need to talk to you when you have a minute. If that's okay I mean."  
  
"Sure, it's fine," Donna told him, a little disconcerted. Toby was never one to beat around the bush and right now, he looked as if he wanted to be any place but here. "We're gonna have a cake in a little while, do you just want to do it now before chaos ensues?"  
  
"Okay," Toby agreed. He looked around the room and at all the people that were gathered there. "Can we, uh, go somewhere more private?"  
  
"Oh yeah, sure," Donna said. "Nicole, can you play Lady of the Manor until I get back?"  
  
Nicole nodded. "No problem." She looked at her boyfriend curiously. "Toby, is this serious or.?"  
  
"No," he said, lying to Nicole for the first time since they had been together, more than two years now. "I just need to confirm something with Donna."  
  
"Okay," she replied, looking as if she didn't believe him for a second. But before she could say anything, they all heard the unmistakable sound of children arguing coming from the next room. "I better go check on that." With that, she departed leaving Donna and Toby standing in the middle of the room awkwardly.  
  
"So," Donna started after a minute. "You said wanted to talk in private."  
  
"Yeah, can we go in the kitchen or someplace?"  
  
"Well the kitchen is looking like WWIII just erupted in there," Donna tried to joke. "But we can go in Josh's study upstairs." They began heading for the stairwell, pausing occasionally so Donna could greet some guest or make plans for the next birthday party or so she could be complimented on what a fabulous home she had. Donna was gracious and polite with everyone but Toby could tell from her body language that she just wasn't into it. That she was just putting on a good show for everyone. Finally, they arrived at the stairs and headed up to the more peaceful surroundings of the second floor. They walked down the hallway to Josh's study and went in, Donna flicking on the lights and shutting the door as Toby settled near the mahogany desk. There was a minute of silence as they each assessed other before Donna started self-consciously, "So.what did you want to talk about?"  
  
He cleared his throat loudly and scratched his beard thoughtfully, deciding that he better tread lightly to start with, and see if it lead him to the answers he needed. "I was looking at a press release today that mentioned Josh in a not so flattering light. It was regarding the California gubernatorial race."  
  
"Sam's campaign?" Donna clarified, visibly stunned. "Sam actually went negative with Josh? After everything they went through, he just--"  
  
"It wasn't Sam's camp that the statement came out of," Toby corrected her quickly, not wanting her to think less of the man. As pissed as he still was at Sam, Toby still thought of him as a brother and continued to protect him whenever he could. "It was from one of his Republican rivals."  
  
"What exactly was the statement?"  
  
"Just.you know," Toby gestured nervously with his hands. "General rabble- rousing from the Republicans. Nothing too specific but they mentioned Josh's name so I started thinking about why the candidate in question would mention the name of a freshman Senator from Connecticut in a California election. Especially when he knows Sam and Josh aren't on the same page anymore and I just."  
  
"Toby," Donna interrupted his ramblings, growing frustrated with the conversation. "I have downstairs about seventy adults that I've never met and houseful of children that aren't exactly being well supervised. I have a seven year-old on a sugar high that I have to get packed and ready to go sleep over at someone's house and a one and a half year-old that I can't get to stay in her crib at night. My husband has a meeting in a few days with the Senate Finance Committee on a bill that needs to get passed for him to get a foothold that he desperately needs in the Senate and I have to spend tomorrow and many other days after it pretending that I have a life outside these walls." Toby stared at her, mouth gaping slightly at the words coming out of her mouth but before he could interject his concern, she plowed ahead. "Also, in case you hadn't picked up on it by now, stressing out while going through PMS so maybe sometime in this decade if you could get to the point."  
  
"Why didn't you guys tell me about the abortion?" Toby finally broke in, looking her straight in the eye and hating himself for the first time in a long time.  
  
For a minute, Donna forgot he was in the room with her. Hell, she forgot where she was for a minute. Her mind went blank for a second and then went into complete overdrive, a thousand thoughts racing through it at once. She could feel the blood pounding in her ears and the bitter taste of adrenaline saturating her tongue. After a minute, she started to get lightheaded and she realized that she had stopped breathing as soon as the words were out of Toby's mouth. She stumbled back until she got to the small sofa and collapsed against it. Finally, after her shock began to wear off and her body had calmed down somewhat, only then did the tears start flowing. She covered her face with her hands and leaned forward, the emotional toll of it all becoming too much for her.  
  
Toby watched her go through all this and listened to her muffled sobs until he couldn't take it anymore. "Donna," he began gently.  
  
"You asshole," she bemoaned him, head still in her hands, tears still coursing down her cheeks. "You fucking asshole! How could you go and dig through my past like it was nothing?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Donna, believe me I am," he tried, going over to her and putting his hands on her shoulders in an attempt to comfort her. But she would have none of it. She angrily pushed away from him and got up, striding over to the corner of the room.  
  
"What gave you the right?" she hissed at him, her tears of sadness being replaced by tears of rage. "This is my life and you invade it as if it were something you were researching for a speech? Who the hell do you think you are?"  
  
"I think I'm your husband's chief of staff," Toby told her heatedly, the anger and tension in the room swallowing him whole. "And I think there was information about you that could hurt him and I saw it as my responsibility as his second in command to get to the bottom of whatever the enemy has up its sleeve so I could protect him so he could do his job. That's who I am and I won't let you make me feel ashamed for it; I don't care if you are his wife or my girlfriend's sister, I did my job!"  
  
"Oh your job," Donna said sarcastically. "Hmm, I see." She paused to sniff back more tears before she continued more forlornly, "What about your job as my friend? Didn't that mean anything to you? The fact that I trust you and respect you enough not to go behind your back with anything? That I trust you with my family's public image and our safety?"  
  
"If you trust me like that," Toby asked her, trying to regain his composure, "why didn't you and Josh tell me about this two years ago at your apartment the night I had dinner with you guys and the both of you told me what the next twenty years of our lives were gonna be about?"  
  
"Because," Donna laughed without humor, the tears coming back with a vengeance, "he didn't know that there was anything to tell you."  
  
That statement threw Toby for a loop. "You mean he doesn't know?" he asked her perplexed. "He doesn't know that you.?"  
  
"I was barely twenty years-old," she tried desperately to explain, her words stifled by her tears. "I had just started seeing Ben and.I had no money and Lily was gone and my sister and brother were gone. My grandmother hated him. I loved him for some reason and he said he'd leave and I just.Urgh! God damn it!" She cried, knocking some papers away on the desk in her anger. "I don't know why, Toby. I don't know why I did it anymore. I wish more than anything in this world that I hadn't but I did and.I never told Josh. I never told anyone until six months ago." She shook her head and leaned against the desk in exhaustion.  
  
This was uncharted territory for him and he wanted more than anything to not have to continue this conversation, but this was a situation that needed to be resolved tonight. He walked over to her and tentatively laid another hand on her shoulder. This time she didn't pull away but allowed herself to be comforted. "He's your husband," Toby began slowly. "And the two of you have a more honest and open relationship than I've ever seen before. You share everything with each other; Josh always says so and I envy him that." He could see he wasn't making any headway so he tried another approach. "Did you not tell him because you thought he'd hate you.?"  
  
"Josh couldn't hate me even if someone told him to while they were holding a gun to his head," Donna broke in, wiping away at her tears. "I know that he loves me with everything in him. It's just, I've disappointed him so many times."  
  
"Donna, that's not true."  
  
"Toby, lets just say for the sake of argument that I have," she cut his rebuttal off. "And I've hurt him. Never intentionally, but that doesn't change the fact that I have; with Emma and my disease and so many other things. I couldn't live with myself if I did it again. Add to the fact that if something like this were to get out." she trailed off as she realized the impact of her words. "Oh my God, no. No please tell me that."  
  
"No, it's fine," Toby assured her. She heaved a sigh of relief. "For now anyways. Nothing came up on a regular Internet search. I had to call and lie to your doctor's office to get access to your medical files so I could find out for sure. The California people just said it without knowing they were saying it. No one else will get it unless we get to the big dance, of course."  
  
"Yeah," she nodded. "But right now, no one."  
  
"No one has it except us. Don't worry Josh is safe. This won't end his career." As Toby said this, he saw something in Donna's eyes. It almost looked like a flicker of disappointment. It disappeared almost as soon as it came but Toby nonetheless saw it. "But still," he continued. "This is going to be an issue one day."  
  
"And your point is.?"  
  
"And my point is, I think it would be better if Josh found out from you rather than 'The National Enquirer'."  
  
Donna closed her eyes and sighed. 'As if I don't have enough to deal with already,' she thought harshly. She got up and walked over to the bookcase. Among the numerous law and political books there, several framed pictures lay on the shelves. She carefully picked one up and stared at it. It was one of all of them at Christmas time, more than a year ago. Natalie was only about three months old and Emma had just turned six. They were home at Langley House and Donna had somehow gotten Josh to wear one of those ridiculous red Santa hats. They were kissing each other while Josh held a cherubic Natalie against his chest and Emma had her arms wrapped around Donna's neck, hanging from her like she was a tree and grinning. 'God, we were so happy,' she thought. 'I was so happy. What's changed since then?'  
  
"Donna?" she heard Toby ask.  
  
"Will you tell him?" Donna inquired, still looking at the picture. "If I don't tell him, will you?" Toby thought about it for a second before he nodded his head to the affirmative. Donna sighed and put the picture back down on the shelf. She wiped at her eyes with both hands, trying to destroy any trace of tears. She took a deep breath and turned back to Toby. "Fine. I'll tell him tonight." She walked over the door and opened it. "Now come on," she said in a voice full of fake cheer. "You're gonna miss the cake, Toby," she called out as she strode out of the room, leaving a bewildered and guilt-ridden Toby in her wake.  
  
Later, after all the guests had gone, Donna was upstairs with Emma in her room helping her pack for her sleepover. Emma was bursting with excitement over her overnight trip and was babbling on to her mother endlessly. Donna tried to focus on her as she packed the small suitcase but her thoughts were elsewhere at the moment. Until Emma asked her a strange question:  
  
"Mommy? How come Melissa's daddy doesn't live with her anymore?"  
  
"Um," Donna began as she folded a tee shirt. "Because Melissa's parents are divorced, baby. That means that they don't live in the same house anymore. But that doesn't mean that they don't love Melissa anymore, they just can't live together."  
  
"Oh," Emma nodded her understanding. "Does that mean they don't love each other anymore?"  
  
"I.I don't know. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Sometimes people just can't be with one another without fighting all the time and that's not good for anyone."  
  
"Yeah," her daughter agreed, flopping down on her stomach on the bed next to the suitcase. "That would be bad because they'd be yelling at each other and that's really not fun."  
  
"No it isn't."  
  
"You know what Nana Mena told me about divorce once?"  
  
"No," said Donna, closing the packed suitcase and going to sit next to the child. "What did she say?"  
  
"She said that sometimes when mommies and daddies fight all the time, they get so mad that they don't hate each other. They just kind of forget that they love each other because they yell so much."  
  
Donna nodded her agreement and lovingly stroked Emma's hair. "I think that Nana Mena is a very smart lady."  
  
"Me too." Emma bit her lip thoughtfully. "Mommy?"  
  
"Yeah baby?"  
  
"Would you and Daddy ever forget that you love each other?"  
  
Donna, surprised by the question, opened her mouth to answer no but found that she couldn't get the words out of her throat. She was saved from answering when a voice bellowed upstairs, "Emma! Time to go."  
  
"Yes!" Emma squealed as she jumped off the bed, grabbed the small suitcase by the handle, and raced for the door, forgetting what she'd questioned her mother on. Donna, on the other hand, remained rooted in her spot on the bed, her lack of ability to answer what should be a no-brainer paralyzing her. "Mommy, come on!" Her daughter's voice pulled her back to reality and she tried to forget the gnawing feeling she had in the pit of her stomach as she joined Emma. 


	10. Chapter 10

After the good-byes were said and the house had emptied out sans her, Josh, and the baby, Donna busied herself by cleaning up in the kitchen, trying to mentally prepare herself for what she'd have to go through with Josh tonight. As she was pondering the best way to tell him this news, she heard music coming from the living room. Curious, she put down the sponge and wandered out through the hallway until she got to the entrance of the living room. The sight that greeted her there gave her pause and caused her tears to start quietly flowing again.  
  
Josh was in the middle of the messy living room and he was holding a sleepy- looking Natalie in his arms. His jacket and tie were thrown on a chair and the baby was wearing her footy pajamas, her brown hair pulled up away from her face and her head resting on her father's shoulder, thumb firmly encased in her mouth. They were swaying to the music Donna had heard from the kitchen and despite her apprehension, she had to smile a little when she heard the song they were dancing to:  
  
You got to get up every morning  
  
With a smile on your face and show the world, All the love in your heart. Then people gonna treat you better. You're gonna find, yes you will, That you're beautiful as you feel  
  
Waiting at the station with the workday window blowing, I've got, nothing to do but watch the passersby. Mirrored in their faces, I see frustration growing And they don't see it showing, why do I?  
  
You got to get up every morning  
  
With a smile on your face and show the world, All the love in your heart. Then people gonna treat you better. You're gonna find, yes you will, That you're beautiful as you feel.  
  
I have often asked myself the reason for the sadness In a world where tears are just a lullaby. If there's any answer, maybe love can end the madness. Maybe no, oh, but we can only try.  
  
You got to get up every morning  
  
With a smile on your face and show the world, All the love in your heart. Then people gonna treat you better. You're gonna find, yes you will, That you're beautiful. That you're beautiful. That you're beautiful as you feel.  
  
"And you, sweetheart," Donna could hear Josh whisper in the child's ear as the music faded out from the dated record player, "are the most beautiful one of all. Well, except maybe next to your sister and your mommy." He looked up at her and grinned, his dimples showing in full force. "And you say that I'm not stealthy."  
  
"I never said you weren't stealthy," Donna murmured from her place at the doorway. "I just said that you don't have a sneaky bone in your entire body." She walked over to him and he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close to him. She put a hand on the baby's back and leaned into Josh, enjoying the peace of the moment and delaying the inevitable just a little bit longer. Natalie turned her head to face her mother then and Donna had to smile at her. "She's gotten so big. Our baby girl."  
  
"She sure has," Josh replied, adoration clear in his voice. "But she won't be a baby for much longer, will she?" He kissed Donna's forehead. "We're gonna need to get working on getting ourselves some more of these soon, don't you think?" he teased her lightly, not knowing the comment cut straight to her heart.  
  
Donna closed her eyes and sent a prayer to the heavens for strength. "I'm gonna go put her down," she said softly, reaching over to take Natalie from him, shrugging out of his embrace. She stopped to allow him say goodnight to his little girl.  
  
"Goodnight sweetheart," he said to the baby, kissing her gently on top of her head. "Daddy loves you."  
  
"Daddy," the child mumbled, holding out her chubby hands to press against Josh's cheeks and leaning in to give him another wet kiss.  
  
"Say night-night, honey," Donna instructed her daughter, eager to get her into bed so she could start this conversation with Josh while she still had the nerve to do so.  
  
"Night-night, honey," Natalie mimicked, scrunching her face into her mother's neck, garnering a chuckle from her parents.  
  
"I'm gonna head up too," Josh told her, heading for the stairs.  
  
"Already? It's not even ten yet." Donna complained as she followed him.  
  
"I know, it's just been kind of a long day, that's all."  
  
"Yeah I know," she replied quietly, thinking it was about to get even longer. "Can you.can we talk before bed? Down here?"  
  
He looked at her curiously. "Is something wrong?"  
  
She hesitated but decided that honesty was the best way to start on this endeavor. "Yeah," she nodded slowly. "Something pretty serious. And we need to talk about it tonight."  
  
"Okay," he nodded back, feeling the tension radiating off of her body. As she went for the stairwell to go upstairs, he instinctively grabbed her upper arm, mindful of the baby she was carrying. "Donna?" She turned back to him, not meeting his eyes. "I love you, no matter what. Okay?"  
  
She didn't answer him right away, just tried to hold back some tears that threatened to escape. Finally, she looked back at him. "I love you, too," she whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear. "I need to get her down," she continued, referring to the almost-dozing child in her arms.  
  
"Okay." With that, she turned and took Natalie upstairs, leaving Josh alone in the hallway with his thoughts. 'What the hell is wrong?' he thought to himself as he headed back for the living room. 'Why is she acting so strange? Hell, why has she been acting so strange for the past couple of months?' He paced around the room as he waited for his wife to come back downstairs so she could put him out of his misery, busying himself by straightening up a little and turning off the music.  
  
Finally, after about ten minutes, some of the longest ten minutes of Josh's life, Donna descended the stairs and came back to him. "Sorry, she needed a quick bedtime story," she explained to him when she got back. They both stood in the room, across from each other, neither moving to reach out for the other, both unsure of how the other was going to react. This was something they were not used to feeling in regards to each other; no two people either of them knew got each other the way they did and the fact that they couldn't read one another right now was an extremely unnerving experience for the both of them.  
  
"What's wrong, Donna?" Josh took the plunge by speaking first. "What do we need to talk about?"  
  
"A lot of things," she replied, confusing him even more.  
  
"Like what?" She didn't answer him, just walked over to one of the French windows and stared out into the night. He came up behind her and put a supportive hand on her back. "Donna."  
  
"I'm not happy here, Josh. I'm not happy in DC," she admitted, still looking straight ahead. Josh, not completely stunned by this admission, waited for her to continue. "I haven't been for awhile. I don't know when it started or what triggered it or how I can fix it; I'm just not as happy as I'm supposed to be."  
  
"What do you mean by that?"  
  
"I mean, look at my life, Josh. I have a wonderful husband that loves me and that I love back just as much. I have two beautiful, healthy, and happy little girls who adore their mommy. I have my family and some of my best friends here with me. I live in two amazing homes that I've dreamed about since I was a girl. I work with charities and foundations that make a difference in this city. Every mother that was here tonight told me how jealous she was of me. I should be glowing with happiness and contentment; I shouldn't be pretending that I am." She laughed ruefully. "I've been so depressed lately that.I've been trying to get pregnant. So I could have something to distract me from what I've been feeling. Don't worry, hasn't worked yet though. Must be God or someone trying to tell me something."  
  
Josh wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her against him, breathing in the scent of her hair. "Why didn't you say anything sooner?"  
  
"I didn't know how to," she answered remorsefully. "You're here, in this city, and you're in your element. You live for politics and I didn't want you to feel like you had to choose."  
  
"Oh Donna," he sighed, pulling her tighter against him and burying his face in her hair, feeling incredibly guilty for not picking up on her distress sooner. "You know that I would choose you in a heartbeat. You have to know that by now."  
  
"I do know that," she said, covering his hands with her own. "But I didn't want you to have to. You were born to be a leader and I couldn't stand it if I ever did anything to hurt your chances of that."  
  
"What could you possibly do that would hurt my career?" he asked rhetorically, relieved that she was finally letting him in and feeling that they'd work through this together. Suddenly he felt his wife go rigid in his arms and heard her breathing hitch as if she were crying. He turned her around to look at him and saw that his thoughts were confirmed. "Donna what is it?" Once again, she gave him the silent treatment, opting to pull away from him and go over to sit in the couch. He followed her over and knelt on the floor in front of her, taking her hands in his own. He watched the tears travel silently down her cheeks and he ached for her, for the pain that she was so obviously in. "Donna, please just tell me what's really wrong here. I.I can take almost anything except seeing you like this."  
  
She looked up at him and smiled sadly. "I really hope that you mean that," she told him. Taking a deep breath to steel herself from her emotions, she looked straight into his apprehensive eyes, the urge to just wrap herself in his arms forever almost overpowering her. But she had to do this and do it now. "When I was twenty," she began in a whisper, "I had an abortion. And I'm so sorry that you're just hearing about it now."  
  
The apprehension in Josh's eyes gave over to shock. "What?"  
  
"A few years before I had Emma, I had an abortion," she repeated, having already said it not making it any easier to say again. She was watching Josh and watching the emotions play across his face: Nervousness turned into shock, which turned to sadness, and finally settling on hurt. He pulled his hands away from her and stood up, turning away and rubbing his hands over his face. "Josh?" she asked tentatively from her spot. "Josh, please turn around and talk to me."  
  
He turned back to her then and she instantly regretted asking him to. His eyes were that of a man who had been betrayed and didn't understand why. "You.you had an abortion when you were younger," he said slowly, "and you felt that you couldn't tell me?" She hung her head low, her silence the confirmation he sought. He pursed his lips and nodded, struggling to keep his emotions in check. "Why now?"  
  
She looked up at him. "What?"  
  
"Why are you telling me now?" he asked again. "After everything that's happened, why are you just telling me now?" Then, much like Toby had experienced earlier in the evening, the solution began to take shape in Josh's mind. Toby had been anxious about a story that night; he came to the party unexpectedly; Nicole said that he talked with Donna and he had looked nervous; Donna's reaction when he mentioned she wouldn't hurt his career. Josh shook his head and smiled cynically. "Someone has it, right?" he asked her in an accusing tone. "Someone found out, they're gonna leak it, and Toby needs to spin it. And in order for him to do that, I needed to know about it, right?"  
  
"Not exactly. Toby thought someone had it but they don't," Donna corrected him. "So we don't need to worry about it going public just now. Later though, when you run for.you know, it'll probably come out then. He figured it would be better to tell you now rather than nine years from now."  
  
"Did he now?" Josh replied sarcastically. "Toby thought it would be smart for me to know about this now. *You*, on the other hand, would have preferred to keep me in the dark as long as humanly possibly, right?"  
  
"Oh come on, Josh," she groaned from her place on the couch.  
  
"It's true though isn't it?" he asked her confrontationally. "You have never, and I mean never, once admitted anything about your past to me important unless you've been forced to." He looked at her solemnly. "We made a promise to each other. When we got married, we said in our vows we'd keep no secrets from each other. That we'd never do anything to jeopardize what we have together right now or in the future."  
  
"It didn't have anything to do with our future, Josh," Donna tried desperately to convince him of. But he would have none of it.  
  
"If you lied to me about something this significant in your life, how can I trust you not to lie about anything else?"  
  
"I have never lied to you when it counted." she tried to deny.  
  
"Emma," he interrupted her. "You never told me about Emma. I didn't know about her until you were almost dying and even then you didn't tell me. I had to find out from your brother! "  
  
"This conversation is not about Emma or whether we did or did not live up to our marriage vows," she challenged angrily. "This is about me telling you about something from my past that could be politically damaging to you one day. That's it!" He looked at her wounded, the thought that she thought he cared more about what this meant for his career more than what it meant for them affecting him deeply and Donna saw it. She closed her eyes in frustration, wanting to pull her hair out. "Besides, it's not that big of a deal."  
  
"Oh, it's not?"  
  
"No it's not," Donna reiterated, getting up and going to stand in front of him. "I wish I hadn't done it but I did and I can't change that now. But it was long before I even knew who you were or before our life together began. It's not important now."  
  
"Would you though?" Josh asked her quietly. "Would you change what you did if you could?"  
  
She thought for a moment. "I'd like to think that I would. I've regretted it everyday since it happened. I know I would want to keep it but I don't know if I could," she told him honestly. "The circumstances were not ideal. I was basically forced into doing it and if I had had the baby, you know, maybe Emma wouldn't have been born and I could never imagine my life without her, could you?"  
  
Josh didn't answer her. He agreed with her about Emma, he couldn't fathom his life without either of his children in it but something else Donna said had caught his attention, her comment about the circumstances not being ideal. It suddenly all made sense to him. He turned away from her again and walked over to the fireplace, leaning against the mantle. "It was Ben's, wasn't it?" he asked, already knowing in his heart that it was true. Once again, her silence was his answer. He shook his head in amazement. "Oh my God. I cannot believe you would be so stupid."  
  
"Josh, stop it," she begged him, her tears springing forth yet again. "Stop it before say anything you regret."  
  
"Why should I stop, Donnatella?" he taunted her resentfully, going back over to her. "We're the perfect couple remember? We're completely and totally honest with each other about everything and anything. At least one of us is."  
  
"I don't believe you're doing this now," she said, getting angrier with him by the second.  
  
"No, what I can't believe is you," he shot back. "Or more specifically, how you could stay with him after that bastard forced you to do something we both know you would have never done if given the choice."  
  
"Oh you know I never would have done it without him pushing me to, do you?" she tossed, her voice growing louder. "Because you know me so well, right? You're so in tune with me. Well, Joshua, if you're so in tune with me why is it that you couldn't tell that by fulfilling one of your dreams, you were killing a part of me?! If you know me so well, why can't you realize how much I grieved for the baby I never got to hold in my arms?!" She began laughing through her tears. "Do you know what I've prayed for every night for the past few months when I do my nightly prayers with Emma? I pray that one day soon you get caught taking a bribe or you piss off Hoynes or you make such a fool of yourself on the Senate Floor that they kick your ass to the curb and we can get out of this godforsaken town! Did you know that about me?"  
  
"I thought I knew you," he said, raising his own voice to match the volume of hers. "I really thought I did. But I don't. Because the woman that I know would never in a million years have chosen a fucking alcoholic, emotionally-abusing, lying, cheating disgrace of a man who forced her into giving up her right to chose what do with her body over her own daughter!"  
  
Donna could never have thought it would be possible to feel this much pain and anger at one time. Her body felt like it was on emotional overload, like it would explode from the amount of negative energy that was coursing through her veins at the moment, all of it directed at the man she was supposed to love more than anything. "Take. That. Back," she demanded, staring daggers into her husband's eyes, her voice deathly calm.  
  
He didn't flinch away from her gaze; in fact it served only to push him further rather than to take a step back. "Fine," Josh agreed, his teeth clenched against his rage. "Just as long as you can explain to me why the first person Emma ever called mommy was your grandmother."  
  
She didn't remember slapping him; she didn't remember thinking about doing it or wanting to do it, it just happened. One second she was glaring at him and practically chocking on her anger, the next his head snapped sideways and the palm of her hand burned like fire. She took a step back from him, partly out of shock and partly out of a subconscious fear that he'd retaliate. But he didn't. He just stood, there with his head turned to the side and a red mark already beginning to appear on his cheek. Donna stared at him, eyes wide with shock and fright, barely being able to breathe as she tried to process what was happening.  
  
After a moment of eternity, Josh stepped forward. Against her will, Donna sucked in a sharp breath as he passed by her but he didn't even look at her. He just walked over to the chair and picked up his jacket. Then he strode back past her again on his way to the foyer. There, he walked over and pulled out the small sports bag that Donna knew held his spare change of clothes for the office out of the closet. He'd brought it home the other day to have the shirt ironed and the hemline on his pants sewn up. He went over to the coat rack and picked up his overcoat, throwing it on violently before picking up his bag again. Without even looking at her or making a sound, he grabbed his car keys from the side table and walked out the front door, closing it carefully behind him.  
  
It felt like years before Donna was able to breathe again. She took in deep, gasping breaths but it didn't help to curb the tightening sensation deep in her chest, didn't help to calm her frazzled nerves in the least.  
  
"Oh my God," she whispered out loud, holding her hands over her mouth and collapsing onto the floor, the enormity of what had just transpired hitting her like a freight train. Her husband had walked out on her; she'd pushed him away to the point were he couldn't be in the same house with her. "Oh my God! No, no please God no don't let this be happening!" She began hyperventilating then, her breathless sobs coupled with her shallow inhalation making her feel like she was going to pass out into unconsciousness.  
  
Finally, after a few scary minutes, she felt her body begin to physically regain control of itself. Her breathing evened out, her hands stopped shaking, and eventually the tears stopped as well. Ever so slowly she pulled herself up off the floor and on shaky legs, she made her way over to and up the staircase. She walked like a zombie into her bedroom, hers and Josh's bedroom, and sank down onto the bed. All she wanted to do was curl up into a ball and stay like that until Josh came home. 'But what if he doesn't come home?' her thoughts betrayed her by asking what was once the unthinkable. 'What if this is the end of the road for you two? Camelot never lasts forever; you should know, it was your father's favorite story when he was with you. Why were you expecting this to?' Donna grabbed a pillow and crushed to her ear, in an attempt to drown out the thoughts that were screaming at her in her head.  
  
In the midst of all this, Donna thought she heard something. It sounded like crying but Donna knew it wasn't herself. Who else.? "Natalie," Donna whispered, throwing the pillow to the side and springing up from the bed. On sheer maternal instinct, she raced out the room and down the hall until she reached the child's room. She opened the door and turned on the lights, breathing a sigh of relief to see the baby standing up in the crib, hands gripping the bars as she wailed at the top of her lungs but apparently not physically hurt.  
  
"Oh sweetie, come here," Donna cooed as she went over to pick up her daughter. She quickly checked her over for fever or other injuries and finding none, she held her close to her heart, rubbed her back, and kissed her repeatedly, trying to ease the child's distress. But it was to no avail, Natalie just kept on screaming. "Oh honey, what's wrong? What can Mommy do for you, Natalie, huh?" She squeezed her closer in a vain attempt to help bring Natalie some form of comfort but it wasn't working. Just then, Donna recognized the cry; it was how Natalie cried whenever she wanted her father. She had a specific cry for her mother and her sister and the various other people in her life but this one was definitely for her daddy. When she cried like this, Josh was the only person that could calm her down and there was nothing Donna could do to bring him to Natalie then. She knew he didn't bring his phone with him and having no idea where he was headed, all she could do was stand in the room and try hopelessly to bring her baby back to some form of happiness. After several minutes of rocking her and murmuring loving words to her daughter and still being greeted with only her bawling, she lost her composure. "God damn you, Josh Lyman!" she finally shouted along with the baby, whose own tears intensified at the new and unwelcome sound.  
  
So she and the baby stood there, crying together, for nearly an hour until Natalie finally wore herself out and fell back into a fitful sleep. She laid the baby back down in her crib, staying with her a few minutes to calm herself down again before she went back into her room. She sat back down on the bed and looked forward into the vanity mirror across the room from her. 'This is who you are now, huh?' her mind mocked her. 'A politician's pretty wife in a nice dress, with nothing to do with your life besides take care of your kids and wait for your husband to come home. Your mother would be so proud of you.'  
  
"No," Donna said to her reflection. "No, I don't want to be like that anymore." She got up and ran her fingers through her hair. "How do I stop this? How do I stop being like this?" she thought out loud. 'You know how,' her mind told her. 'You've always known how, you just didn't want to admit it.' Unfortunately, she did know. She just wasn't sure if she could. 'What about Josh? How would that be fair to him?' she thought feebly. No matter how angry with him she was, and she was still royally pissed at him, she still loved him. She would always love him; it was a simple fact of nature. 'But how is it fair to him now to be with you when you're not even sure who you are anymore?' she thought to herself. Donna stopped pacing and looked in the mirror again. The decision was made, painful as it was, the decision was made. She walked over to the night table to pick up the phone and dialed a number she'd used to call several times a month when she had been working in the White House, when she'd done something productive with herself. "Hello American Airlines.Yes, when is your earliest flight out of DC tomorrow morning.No, I don't care where it goes, I just want to know when it leaves.Fine, I'd like three tickets please. One adult and two children."  
  
The next morning, a tired and beleaguered Josh opened the door to his house and stepped inside. He'd driven around in circles for almost three hours last night before pulling over at some anonymous roadside hotel an hour outside DC. Thankfully it was a Sunday, a day he insisted on not working anyways. It gave him the perfect opportunity to go home and attempt to patch things up with Donna. He'd thought of nothing else last night except their disastrous fight and what he'd said to her and what had been said back. It had all made sense at the time to say those horrible things to her but now, with the gift of a clear head and several hours, he realized what a complete asshole he'd been to her. She'd told him about one of the most painful experiences of her life and he'd just thrown it back into her face. Granted, he was still upset that she hadn't told him in the first place but that was another issue for another day. Right now, all he wanted to do was apologize and try to talk out their problems with her, try to fix what had been broken last night.  
  
"Hello?" Josh called out from the foyer, shrugging off his coat and putting his bag down. "Donna? Are you awake?" He glanced at his watch, which read 9:35 am, which meant it was really about quarter past ten. Donna rarely slept in and even if she did, it was never this late. He walked up the stairs and went to their bedroom door, which was closed. Knocking lightly and getting no response, he pushed the door open and found the room empty. The room was clean and the bed was neatly made; actually it looked as if it hadn't been slept in at all. 'Maybe she slept on the couch waiting for me,' he thought absently. He left the room and went past Emma's room, remembering she'd slept at a friend's house the previous night, and went straight for Natalie's room. Opening the door, he found nothing again, except the crib had definitely been used last night. "Donna? Are you home?" he called out again, deciding to go back and explore downstairs, thinking as he went. 'Did she go out with Natalie? Take her grocery shopping or something?' Arriving downstairs and in the kitchen, he saw that the grocery theory was irrelevant. 'Maybe Donna took her to the park to get her own mind off things.' But hanging from the coat rack was Natalie's wrist strap thing that they used to keep her from wandering away, so the park was out. "Where in the hell.?" Josh thought out loud but was interrupted by the ringing phone. He jumped for it, hoping it was Donna, calling to explain her absence. "Hello?" he said hurriedly.  
  
"Hello Mr. Lyman? This is Karen Sachs, Melissa's mother," the slightly familiar female voice said on the other end.  
  
"Yes good morning, Mrs. Sachs. How are you?" Josh said politely, hoping to conceal his disappointment.  
  
"Fine thank you," she replied. "Listen, I know it's a Sunday and I won't keep you long but Emma left her toothbrush here and I was wondering if you or your wife want to come pick it up or if we should just throw it out."  
  
"I'm sorry, did you say Emma left something there? Left as in she's not there anymore?" Josh asked, confused. Whenever Emma spent the night at someone's house, he and Donna didn't usually pick her up until at least noon, giving her extra playtime with whomever she was with.  
  
"Yes, your wife picked her up this morning," Mrs. Sachs told him. "Early actually, around seven or so. She called and said she needed to pick up Emma early and I brought her out to Donna when she drove up."  
  
"Did she say why she got Emma so early?"  
  
"I assumed it was because you guys were going on a trip and you had a train or something to catch."  
  
"A trip?" He repeated his perplexity and panic growing by the second. "Why.why would you think that?"  
  
"Because of the suitcases I saw when she put Emma's bag in the trunk," Mrs. Sachs replied. "Is there something.?"  
  
For a moment Josh couldn't answer, his mind imploding with the reality he was being presented.  
  
"Mr. Lyman?" Mrs. Sachs repeated.  
  
"Oh, sorry," Josh stumbled. "I've just found the post-it Donna left for me," he lied, not really knowing what to say, but just wanting to end the conversation as soon as possible.  
  
"Sure, everything ok?"  
  
"Yeah, it's fine, just a family emergency. I'm sorry to be rude, but I have to." he trailed off, his mind replaying the events of this morning, walking into an empty house, searching for Donna only to be confronted with her absence. He stood rooted, saying goodbye and hanging up the phone, with no idea if he had the strength to face what was to come.  
  
Then something snapped and he raced back up the stairs to his bedroom. He ran to the closet and threw open the doors. He immediately stepped back, the sight before him almost causing him physical pain. Most of Donna's clothes were gone from the hangers and her luggage set was missing. Going over to her dresser drawers, he pulled each one open forcefully, finding clothes and undergarments in some of them but in far lesser numbers than there were yesterday. In a trance, he went into the rooms of his daughters and found mostly the same scene: Clothes and suitcases gone as well as toys and other knickknacks.  
  
'This is not happening,' his brain screamed at him as he struggled to get back downstairs. 'She's your wife, she wouldn't just up and leave with your kids like this.' He slowly made his way back into the kitchen, dropping himself down on one of the stools and slumping down on top of the island. 'She loves you; she wouldn't.'  
  
Something caught his eye on the fridge as he tried to convince himself of what had so obviously taken place. There, held up by a magnet and surrounded by various drawings and pictures, was a note that hadn't been there yesterday that Josh could tell from his spot was written in Donna's distinctive handwriting. Getting up and walking toward it as if he were approaching his execution, he pulled it down and cautiously began to read it. It said:  
  
Dear Josh,  
  
By the time you get this, the girls and I aren't going to be there. I'm sorry for doing this to you but I didn't know what else to do. Last night ranked as one of the worst nights of my life as I'm sure it did for you too, and I wish it had never happened but it did. And we can't go back to the way it was before, no matter how much we both want to. I'm going through a very scary and confusing time right now and I want nothing more than to just let you come in and fix it but I can't let you do that anymore. I've let you do it for too long and I need to learn how to do things again myself as opposed to letting you do them for me. And I need to do it away from you. I know you'll be angry that I took the girls but I need them with me now to get through this. I'm not going to tell you where we are because I know you'll just come after us and you need to be there to do your job. I know after last night you have no reason to but I need you to trust that I'll bring the girls home soon. I don't know what's going to happen to us anymore. After last night, I'm not sure of anything anymore. I never thought we'd hurt each other the way we did but it happened. Maybe for now, it's best if we stay apart for everyone's sakes. I don't hate you, Josh; I've just kind of forgotten that I love you too.  
  
I'm sorry, Donna  
  
Josh was not an emotional man by nature but as he read the note, he saw splotches of water hit the paper and he realized they were his own tears. Josh had never felt this weak in his entire life and rereading the note, he also realized that his family wasn't there to help get him through it.  
  
"Oh God," he croaked out, slumping back against the fridge and sliding to the ground, his body wracked with tears. "Oh God, Donna, I'm so sorry."  
  
Somewhere over Ohio, Donna was sitting in her first-class seat next to her daughters, who were both asleep in their seats, having suffered an exhausting morning of travel. Looking away from them and down at her left hand, she eyed the engagement ring and wedding band on her ring finger. Slowly, almost against her will, she removed them and placed them in her purse pocket. "I'm sorry, Josh," she whispered, tears sliding down her cheeks as she and the girls flew further and further away from him. 


End file.
